I am sick to my stomach. I have been as I watched election results all night. The tears started this morning around 5am. This is a slap in the face of everything I am. An African American . A woman. An immigrant. The people of this country have waited 8 years to show their true colors and it hurts. I started reconsidering everything and all decisions. Do I change jobs now? Do I continue to try to have a child?
As I was laying in bed, my mom sent me this devotional for today. I have this devotional. It is entitled “Jesus Calling”.
It was exactly what I needed to see. I can’t worry myself to a better outcome. My God STILL sits on the throne and THAT is ALL I have to lean on. Be at peace today my friends. After my appointment, I’m going back home and cocooning myself in my apartment. Self care is necessary today. If you need to, log off. Disconnect. Fortify yourself for whatever the future holds. And as my pastor says: “We know how this story ends, so live in victory.”
One of my sisters shared this with me this morning and it struck such a resounding chord with me that I needed to share.
I love how this just sounds…determined. My mom has a saying: “Ban yuh belly and bear yuh grind”. She would say it to mean reinforce yourself and do your work. This is just that. Gird up yourself. Do what you have to do. That’s what we do as women. Hard times, disappointment, sadness, grief, strife. We mourn and then we find a new way to accomplish what we want. I’m doing my best as we go into a new journey not to focus on circumstances. I don’t trust my circumstances. I trust the God who can do the impossible in spite of what my current situation looks like.
I heard this song on Sabbath and have been humming it since then. This song speaks to so many phases that we have been through in our life when we didn’t know how we would make it out and God came through and made a way out of NOTHING. A few examples:
—-The time we had back to back car accidents in our family resulting in both cars totaled within a week of each other. This led up to us having to purchase two new vehicles while having two vehicle loans still open. What bank would touch that? God made a way.
—-The time Hubbins lost his job for a period of almost a year. Newly married, facing expenses on one income. What marriage would survive the financial stress that situation brings? God made a way.
—-Losing our son. This has been the hardest. There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind and I had no idea how I would ever feel anything or how I would find the strength to even want to live another day. I didn’t want to give God another chance to prove to me that He could make a way out of the dark pit of grief that I was feeling. God made a way. He is still making a way. There are times I cry and times I feel sad but I am never hopeless.
As I face this current pregnancy, am I worried? Yes. Am I afraid? Yes. But I know a God who specializes in making a way and if He can bring us through all of that, seeing me and our child through this pregnancy is nothing to Him. He can and will make a way.
I feel like I’m flailing. Not doing anything well just being consumed by this journey while waiting for my rainbow. For it to be my turn…but I have to wait. I heard this song today again and it was what I needed.
You call me out upon the watersThe great unknown, where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep my faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace; for I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior
“Oceans” ~ Hillsong United
Since we lost our son and I have been exploring different blogs and forums, I have found so many more things to be afraid of
if when we get pregnant again. Before, I didn’t know about blighted ovums and chemical pregnancies and babies whose heart just stops beating and babies who have a great heartbeat and are born and stop breathing. All these things. My biggest worry was getting our future child to stay in and incubate till it was time for them to meet the world. Now I’m realizing there are so many other things that can go wrong in those 9 months that I can’t protect them from and that I have no control over. I believe this is where my faith sustains me. I don’t know how I would be able to approach pregnancy knowing that there was no one in control of things, no one who could have a hand in making sure that our child was healthy, developed properly and empowered my body to sustain life. In reality, my body is nothing; merely the vessel. The life of my unborn child is in the hand of someone greater than I. He promises to hold my heart in His hand till the gift of our perfect child is ready. When that time comes, I know I can trust Him for the peace that I will need to make it through.
We visited a different church yesterday and were blessed to witness a baby boy being dedicated. Baby dedications have always been nostalgic/difficult for me as they represented dreams I had for my life and future. Before I was married, I would see these little families stand up with their new addition and wonder if I would ever find someone to build that with. Once we began trying, I would wonder when it would be my turn to stand with my friends and family as we dedicated our baby back to the Lord that saw fit to give us this wonderful gift. Since losing our son, I have been through two baby dedications with this being the second one. The first was very emotional. This precious child came after recurring miscarriages and there was not a dry eye in church as words were spoken about how this little one was prayed so fervently for daily. We all collectively held our breath as the days and months ticked by and we began to get more comfortable that this baby would make. And then she arrived, and she was perfect. That day I cried tears of joy as I witnessed the ability of God to provide restoration and completion after loss. The tears also represented hope because God is faithful and His promises are true that no good thing that we desire will He withhold from us.
The dedication yesterday found me getting misty eyed again but for a different reason this time. As I listened to the pastor speak of the importance of this day and the symbolism of committing your child’s life back into God’s hands I smiled. I smiled because I realized that dedication can happen at any stage in your child’s life. We are not yet pregnant but I am trusting God that this is not a blessing that He will withhold from us; getting pregnant the first time was difficult and we were blessed to be able to conceive our son. I cannot believe that a God who loves me so much as to allow me the privilege of co-laboring with Him to produce life would place this longing in me for a child only to see it unanswered. There are lessons of faith that I need to learn in this season and I’m trying to do just that.
While learning those lessons though, I can decide to dedicate my unborn and yet unconceived child back to their Heavenly Father. God sees and knows all. He knew my son while he was yet in my body; before I knew I was pregnant, God had already seen my baby and formed him in His perfect image. So to my yet unconceived child, I give you to God even now. I entrust your conception and the circumstances under which you will be created to my Father. I trust Him to form you perfectly and to create every cell of your being in His perfect time. I trust Him to allow you the time you need to grow and to heal my body and equip it to be able to nurture and sustain you till you are ready for this world. Your Father sees and knows you and I trust that when He is ready, He will allow us to be blessed to serve as your earthly parents.
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.
1 Samuel 1: 27-28
“O, for a faith that will not shrink,
Though pressed by many a foe,
That will not tremble on the brink of poverty or woe.”
~William Bathurst, SDA Hymnal, No. 533
They say: “I admire your faith and the way you seem to just trust God to handle you in this”. They only see pieces of me; the hidden parts, those tell a different story. They don’t see me falling completely apart when a free sample of Similac shows up at my door with the words ‘Congrats Mom’ on the case. They don’t see the sadness in my eyes as I listen to yet another story of how “we weren’t even trying but guess what?? We’re pregnant “. They don’t hear the quiver in my voice when I respond to someone else saying: “You guys have been married for 3 years??! And no babies yet?? I know you want to focus on your career but time is ticking!!”. I have become a master at concealing and an expert at making quick escapes before the tears fall. Continue reading ““Oh for a faith…””