Lucas’s Due Date

Today, my 2nd son was due to be born. 

I spent the day in the sun. In the ocean. By myself. It was exactly what I needed. I cried a few times but they were tears of….acceptance? I have two sons. My life has changed in the last year and a half in ways I would have never expected. I am stronger. I am strong. I will never forget my sons. I am their mother and the lessons that I have learned loving them have made me stronger. 

I miss you sweet boy. I’ll see you someday soon. 

Gah-Easter

I have nothing against Easter. I love what it represents and I’m in awe of a God who sent His son to die so that I could have a chance at eternal life. 

This Easter is hard though. All these little people in cute outfits and too big bow ties and fluffy dresses is a lot. Langston would have been 6 months…perfect size for a too big bow tie. 

 Also: when some of your closest friends get together for an Easter Egg Hunt and you and Hubbins weren’t invited…because childless..it sucks. I have said and will continue to say: give me the opportunity to turn down an invite; don’t make me feel even more leperous by excluding me because of our ‘condition’. Grief isn’t contagious. 

I realize this turned into a snarky rant and I’m sorry. I do wish you guys a Happy Easter and I hope you spent it with loved ones. Chocolate bunnies for all 🐰

Rough day

I’ve had a series of allright days; not great, just allright. Today broke that streak. I’m not sure if it was the email about a free nursing cover, or the reminder that popped up on my phone about my growth appointment for Friday after I was sure I had turned those all off or the fact that when I weighted myself this morning I had only lost 2 pounds..but it was a cry in the bathroom day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. 

Therapy

I have an appointment for next Tuesday. This is a big step for me. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this here but I come from the Carribean. Growing up, depression wasn’t a real thing. It was something that if you were strong enough you could shake. This was even more true if you believed in God; He would carry you through. I believe all of this. I know God is able but I also know that depression is real and that it is dangerous for me to keep carrying all of this around and trying to work it all out in my own head. I need help. 

One month later

Yesterday was one month since the birth of our son Lucas. I didn’t remember till later in the evening.. and then I felt guilty that I hadn’t remembered. It was weird. There is a part of me that thinks about my boys everyday. It is especially hard because I seem submerged in pregnancy related things. Social media is in pregnancy season and there are announcements and pictures and such. Hubbins cousin had a baby shower this past Sunday (which we weren’t invited to..I don’t know how I feel.. I probably wouldn’t have gone but it feels bad to be left out intentionally) and I think I have mentioned before one of my  best friends from elementary school is pregnant; we would have been due two weeks apart. The grief isn’t as close to the surface as it usually is. Not all the time. It still feels fresh and catches me off guard. For example, scrolling through IG and seeing the pictures of the cousin’s baby shower.. who of course is expecting a baby boy and bursting into tears. Or standing at the time clock with a coworker who knew I was pregnant but still haven’t explicitly told about the loss. She asked if everything was alright and I said no.. and she looked and me and I shook my head.. and she started tearing up.. and I had to run away because I have a strict no crying at work where people can see you policy. I know that on some level though I am healing. I can talk about our sons easier now; my voice may waver but it is a lot stronger than it was a few weeks ago. At my MFM appointment yesterday we were able to discuss details of my delivery without me breaking down; on some level I think that when I talk about it to people, I try to think of it as something that happened to someone else and I’m just reporting facts. The feelings are there but they don’t have to apparent to everyone. I can’t break down at every doctor’s appointment. There are still things that are hard and the feelings come that I feel guilty for having. I have some dear friends in the blogverse who are pregnant and I find myself both longing for news that they are ok and their babies are doing well and at the same time feeling envious when I read the good reports. It is a jumble of things. I am actively searching for a therapist because I know that I need to talk to someone. Not willingly…but I know that for my overall health and to be as healthy for my future babies I need to heal from this and I need some help. So that is where we are.