Well Here I Am

Not sure what I'm doing here. I just need a place to 
get it all out. A place where I can be afraid, angry, 
vulnerable and not be judged for it. 

Fear. That's what has me here. 
The crippling fear that it will happen again. 
When you lose a baby fear takes up residence. 
You give birth to an emotion that will be your constant companion for the rest of your life.
Fear that you won't get pregnant again. Fear that you 
will get pregnant again. You realize that you are 
forever changed. You realize that you will never be the carefree, happy, bubbly, expectant mom. 
And you are ashamed. 
You will be ashamed 
that you couldn't do it. You couldn't carry life for 9 
months. You couldn't' do the ONE THING that a woman was created to do. 
Because your body is inferior.

And because you are ashamed, you hide. You don't tell 
many people. You smile through the baby showers and 
first birthdays. You smile through the ultrasounds of 
people at work and the announcements of "guess what we are having". 
But you are bitter. You are angry... and then.... 
you feel guilty for feeling that way. 
You can't tell your husband this, your girlfriends, your family. 

So instead you find a way to scream it into the void 
that is the universe hoping that by doing that, you can keep going for 
one more day.