One Year Blog Anniversary

I got a notification that today was my one year anniversary on WordPress. Wow!! It simultaneously feels like an lifetime and an instant. So much has happened in that year. I remember when I first got here. I was so… heavy. I needed a way to escape the feeling of having lost Langston. Writing seemed like a good outlet. So I tentatively made that first post not knowing where it would go, if anyone would see it or if anyone would care. I found out I was wrong. What I found here was a community that I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams existed. Here I found acceptance and understanding. Here I didn’t have to be ashamed of my grief or guilt or jealousy or anger or the dark thoughts that came when I said I was ‘OK’.

I have developed friendships here that have helped me in this last year. When I got pregnant with Lucas my sisters here rejoiced with me. They held their breaths through every ultrasound, prayed through every sleepless night, helped me laugh when I was being cynical and cried with me when the anxiety threatened to overwhelm. And when the unthinkable happened, when we lost yet another son, my sisters grieved with me. Across miles, they held me in their hearts. They ranted and screamed and cried to a God who would do this again…..and then, little by little, we healed and accepted and returned to that same God who always restores. I know that I couldn’t have made it this last year without my community here. Thank you for taking me in when I was broken and for starting the healing process. Thank you for allowing me to glimpse your sorrow, your anger, your frustration but most importantly, your hope. Here’s to many more years.

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The anger 

I go to see my regular OB tomorrow. She wasn’t on call this weekend so while I think she knows that I delivered, I’m not certain. I need her to clear me to go back to work because I can’t sit in my house slowly losing my mind. I love this lady. Loved, I guess. Now I feel betrayed. When I met her after Langston’s birth, she told me that after we would work together to make sure this didn’t happen again. I showed up at her office in December triumphant because I had gone through the work to get pregnant again (yes because it takes work for me to conceive)  and now I was in her hands. I did everything she told me to do. I trusted her wholly when she said do the procedure. When she said do it again, I trusted her. When on Wednesday, I told her I was still having more discharge and she performed an exam and said “the stiches look good” and I asked about the slight opening that I could see on the ultrasound she explained to me about funneling and said that because of the stitches baby would be ok, I stopped worrying. And now, here I am again. I need to know how this happened. I need to know why my concerns about my water breaking were met with comments that it hadn’t broken but when it had there was nothing to do. I need to know why I waited two hours once I got to L&D to see a doctor. Two hours during which the fluid that was required to keep my baby alive drained out of me only to have a doctor come in 2 hours later and say there is no fluid. I know asshat. I know. I need answers. My son isn’t here. My second son. I am a mother to two sons and have never heard either of their cries. Someone needs to tell me why. Someone needs to give me a reason to consider trying this again. I don’t have any heart left to break.

Why? 

I don’t want to blame anyone. I just want to know why? Why me? Why again? What purpose of God’s could possibly require that something that I so earnestly prayed for be taken away again? Like this? Am I not supposed to have children? Is that the lesson? Are we done trying? Will I always feel this emptiness? Why me? Why again? 

I’ll praise You in this storm , I will lift my hands.

You are who You are, no matter where I am.

Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands. 

You’ve never left my side and though my heart is torn, I’ll praise You in this storm. 

Numb

I’m home. Once again, I left the hospital with empty arms and a heart that feels like it will never hold anything precious again. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do. I was at my doctors office 3 seperate times in the last week and mentioned the unusual discharge and no one checked for infection. I know that I can’t blame anybody but there has to be answer. I can’t keep thinking that my body keeps rejecting perfect babies for no reason. This hurts and I don’t know how to stop it from hurting. 

My two sons 

Langston Sean 5/14/15 

Lucas Ethan 2/7/16 

My heart is shattered in a way I didn’t know was possible. 

My God is faithful and I know He sees me, knows me and is building my testimony through this. The devil won’t get the glory in this. 

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and love. To my sister friends who are pregnant, don’t stress this. Please. I need your precious ones to make it and prove to me that there is always hope.