One Year Blog Anniversary

I got a notification that today was my one year anniversary on WordPress. Wow!! It simultaneously feels like an lifetime and an instant. So much has happened in that year. I remember when I first got here. I was so… heavy. I needed a way to escape the feeling of having lost Langston. Writing seemed like a good outlet. So I tentatively made that first post not knowing where it would go, if anyone would see it or if anyone would care. I found out I was wrong. What I found here was a community that I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams existed. Here I found acceptance and understanding. Here I didn’t have to be ashamed of my grief or guilt or jealousy or anger or the dark thoughts that came when I said I was ‘OK’.

I have developed friendships here that have helped me in this last year. When I got pregnant with Lucas my sisters here rejoiced with me. They held their breaths through every ultrasound, prayed through every sleepless night, helped me laugh when I was being cynical and cried with me when the anxiety threatened to overwhelm. And when the unthinkable happened, when we lost yet another son, my sisters grieved with me. Across miles, they held me in their hearts. They ranted and screamed and cried to a God who would do this again…..and then, little by little, we healed and accepted and returned to that same God who always restores. I know that I couldn’t have made it this last year without my community here. Thank you for taking me in when I was broken and for starting the healing process. Thank you for allowing me to glimpse your sorrow, your anger, your frustration but most importantly, your hope. Here’s to many more years.

The anger 

I go to see my regular OB tomorrow. She wasn’t on call this weekend so while I think she knows that I delivered, I’m not certain. I need her to clear me to go back to work because I can’t sit in my house slowly losing my mind. I love this lady. Loved, I guess. Now I feel betrayed. When I met her after Langston’s birth, she told me that after we would work together to make sure this didn’t happen again. I showed up at her office in December triumphant because I had gone through the work to get pregnant again (yes because it takes work for me to conceive)  and now I was in her hands. I did everything she told me to do. I trusted her wholly when she said do the procedure. When she said do it again, I trusted her. When on Wednesday, I told her I was still having more discharge and she performed an exam and said “the stiches look good” and I asked about the slight opening that I could see on the ultrasound she explained to me about funneling and said that because of the stitches baby would be ok, I stopped worrying. And now, here I am again. I need to know how this happened. I need to know why my concerns about my water breaking were met with comments that it hadn’t broken but when it had there was nothing to do. I need to know why I waited two hours once I got to L&D to see a doctor. Two hours during which the fluid that was required to keep my baby alive drained out of me only to have a doctor come in 2 hours later and say there is no fluid. I know asshat. I know. I need answers. My son isn’t here. My second son. I am a mother to two sons and have never heard either of their cries. Someone needs to tell me why. Someone needs to give me a reason to consider trying this again. I don’t have any heart left to break.

Why? 

I don’t want to blame anyone. I just want to know why? Why me? Why again? What purpose of God’s could possibly require that something that I so earnestly prayed for be taken away again? Like this? Am I not supposed to have children? Is that the lesson? Are we done trying? Will I always feel this emptiness? Why me? Why again? 

I’ll praise You in this storm , I will lift my hands.

You are who You are, no matter where I am.

Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands. 

You’ve never left my side and though my heart is torn, I’ll praise You in this storm. 

Numb

I’m home. Once again, I left the hospital with empty arms and a heart that feels like it will never hold anything precious again. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do. I was at my doctors office 3 seperate times in the last week and mentioned the unusual discharge and no one checked for infection. I know that I can’t blame anybody but there has to be answer. I can’t keep thinking that my body keeps rejecting perfect babies for no reason. This hurts and I don’t know how to stop it from hurting. 

My two sons 

Langston Sean 5/14/15 

Lucas Ethan 2/7/16 

My heart is shattered in a way I didn’t know was possible. 

My God is faithful and I know He sees me, knows me and is building my testimony through this. The devil won’t get the glory in this. 

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and love. To my sister friends who are pregnant, don’t stress this. Please. I need your precious ones to make it and prove to me that there is always hope. 

Apprehension

13 weeks and 5 days. That’s how far along I was when I went into labor and we lost our son. Today I am 11 weeks and 4 days and as week 13 inches closer, I can feel the anxiety growing in my stomach. It doesn’t help that it has been almost two weeks since I was able to see Baby Nugget via ultrasound on the 16th. I won’t get another chance till the 4th. I understand this is a blessing; I recently learned that certain insurances/health care systems cover a limited amount of ultrasounds whether you are deemed high risk or not. For the sake of my sanity, I am glad this is not the case. I keep telling myself that once I make it to Wednesday January 14th I will be more pregnant than I ever have been. That seems so far away.

Today, I am still pregnant.

I have faith in God that this pregnancy will end with me bringing home a healthy baby.

Just words

This post is really just rambling…a lot of thoughts in my head that I don’t know where to get out anywhere else so here they are. They may be dark and nonsensical.. I apologize in advance.

I’m tired. I’m not complaining because I know it is to be expected…but I am exhausted. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and slept till 5:30 and I am having a hard time functioning. I need to clean my house and start getting Christmas stuff done but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep my life away. I know that this isn’t being helped by the change in temperature and weather. It is dark at 5pm and I have no issues with getting in pajamas at 5:30. I know exercise could help with this depleted feeling but even though my doctor has given me the ok to do light walking and stretching I’m scared. I’m in the waiting period where it has been 6 days since I was able to see a heartbeat and I don’t have appointment till next Wednesday so I’m wondering if all is ok.

I’m kind of lonely. Hubbins started a new job a few months ago and while he loves it the hours are sporadic and long. He gets in most nights between 8:30/9 and sometimes as late at 10. When I am either in bed or on my way to bed or cranky because I’m trying to stay up. So we see each other on the weekends. I think I just need to find more things to occupy my time in the evening.

I’m having the worst dreams. I’m ashamed to even write them here but they are all very vivid and most involve the baby. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and have a hard time falling back asleep (probably accounting for my tiredness).

I’m over my coworkers. Today I am working with two women who have spent the entire morning complaining about their young children: “I wish I remember when I could sleep through the night. I would give anything to be able to have a weekend off. You are so lucky you have all this free time.” You would give anything? Would you give your kid? Cuz if you didn’t have one then you wouldn’t have all these ‘problems’ . I know that’s harsh and I know that every stage of this journey comes with its trials and problems but I am not in the mood to hear it from people who got pregnant “accidentally”.

Christmas is getting to me. I can’t stop feeling that I should be getting ready to celebrate with my newborn who isn’t here. I miss my son. Yes I know I never really had ‘time’ with him but I miss the possibility of what he could have been. Hubbins mentioned that we would have a baby next Christmas but I can no longer even hold onto to that hope. Because it is not guaranteed. I acknowledge that today is just a down day and I’ll be back to being optimistic and hopeful tomorrow but today..this is where I am.