Baby Blanket

I need to finish this baby blanket. I had told myself that I would finish it by Lucas’s due date on July 15th…and that date has come and gone and still I haven’t made any more progress on it since the Thursday before my water broke.

Oh, I’ve picked it up a few times and started working on a square, only to put it away within a few minutes. I can’t explain it. I feel like I’m at the place in my grief process where I can only deal in facts. My therapist loved to tell me “feelings are not facts” so now it feels safe to only operate based on facts. And the fact is, I don’t have a baby to make this blanket for. Yes, there is hope there, that one day I will have a little one who will use this blanket and I can tell them one day about their siblings. Right now though, the reality of where I am kind of keeps me grounded.  I’ll be pregnant again, I’m sure…and when that happens, I will pick up this blanket again and it will keep me hopeful. Hopeful that this time will be time it gets finished . Hopeful that this time it will get used.

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Sitting is hard 

So I need rules. I have realized this about myself. Telling me to “take it easy” means nothing to me. So until I see my doctor on Wednesay, I’m kind of having to come up with my own rules for ‘bedrest’. No more than 15-30 mins of standing every few hours. This stuff is hard because I don’t feel sick. I have so many things that I can be doing in the house. The Christmas tree is still up. I have a bookshelf to clear off. My bathtub needs cleaning. Overall, I realize this is a control issue. I own this. Hubbins went to the grocery store by himself tonight and I was so anxious….then I felt silly about feeling that way. This post has turned into rambling…but I have to get these thoughts out. Hubbins showed me this quote today and it was what I needed to give me a kick out of my funk. 

  There is nothing more important to me than making sure our Nugget gets a chance at life. I have 20 weeks to do what I can to make sure he/she is ok when they get here. I can sit till then. 

Wham, Bam, Thank you Sir

I feel like a bad wife. On the list of the myriad of things that TTC has changed for us, physical intimacy is one of them. On one hand, Hubbins and I are closer emotionally than we ever have been. In the short 3 years that we have been married, we have tackled sickness, job loss, two major accidents and most recently, the loss of our son. Some of this stuff would have driven other couples apart but aspects of our communication have grown. He seems to be in tune to what triggers me emotionally and will go out of his way to either shield me from it, remove me from the situation completely or do his best to inject humor and ultimately he will always make me laugh it out. That part has been great.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel like our sex life is suffering because of this TTC journey. We have lost a lot of the spontaneity. During our fertility window, I feel like I’m all in. I GO HARD Y’ALL….for 3 days. Then shortly after the Endometrin starts and I a) feel like a tired dishrag or b) just feel gushy all the time. After Endometrin for the month, then AF shows up and we are down for the count and the cycle starts all over again.

do-not-want-polar-bear

I desire my husband. I enjoy our sex life. There is just a part of me that sometimes mentally feels like “oh we can’t make a baby right now, I’m going to take a nap”. I don’t want my husband feeling like  I only desire sex with  him for his baby making ingredients. Am I the only one?

Dear Endometrin, 

I have things I need to do. I cannot sleep 10 hours a night and then come home and take a 3 hour nap.

I would like to wear fancy panties. Prior to you, I only had about one week a month when I was relegated to my utilitarian undies but alas, no more. 

You make me uncomfortable. It’s unpleasant to just feel ‘squishy’ all day long. 

Hubbins kind of hates you because it means even when we aren’t in our baby window, sexy time has to be planned with the precision of a train schedule. 

Endometrin, you aren’t my favorite but if you could mean that I get to bring home my baby someday, then you’re welcome to stick around. 

One more week

By this time next week I’ll know if my solo follicle was good enough.

I hate waiting. 

I work in a lab and it would be so easy to check my serum HCG but I’m holding off till the 7th when I’m supposed to test…going to try to keep my mind occupied till then. I’ve taken up crochet and I’m working on decluttering my house. 

I know this post was just rambling but I guess I just feel like you guys understand the nonsense that happens in my head.