SO.. my abdominal cerclage is officially scheduled for June 20th!
I don’t quite know how I feel. Yes I’m excited but I’m also nervous because this is the highest level of intervention that we can do for me to carry my child to term. I also think I haven’t processed my feelings about it yet because I’m smack dab in the middle of May and really just trying to navigate through this month.
I am glad that I am going under full anesthesia for it because..*NEW DEVELOPMENT* I now have slight anxiety attacks whenever I have to put on a hospital gown. It isn’t terrible.. but the last few times, I have burst into tears whenever they ask me to change and then I sit there in the gown and I can’t breathe. It’s a lot.
It is an outpatient procedure and while I’ve taken a week off of work, most of the Abbylooper ladies said they were up to working/back to normal within 2-3 days. So we shall see!!
I don’t remember who posted about this but I remember someone talking about “silent goodbyes” in social media groups and how when you announce that you’re leaving everyone else behind it is salt in the wound. Well I’m feeling like that today. I am part of a group for moms of loss as well as those struggling with infertility. I’ve noticed a pattern and it GRINDS MY GEARS. There is one lady who has been trying for about a year after an early loss. The last 8-9 months we have all supported her monthly and even DAILY when she posted. Assuaging her fears. Cheering her on. Comforting her when she was feeling doubt. Being excited during the 2ww. She recently found out she was pregnant about 9 weeks ago. Since then she pops in every few weeks to update us on how her life is now usually with the flippant “sorry guys, being pregnant has me wiped out, I used to have so much more time to post on here” and it pisses me off!!!! We have held your hand and forgotten about our own situations temporarily and now you just traipse back in here ever so often to update us on your fabulous pregnancy. I think today it got to me because one of the members had a loss a week ago and here she comes with “I’ll probably be leaving this group soon because I joined another one”. I am not begrudging this woman her happiness; I just want her to be better and somehow remember a few short months ago when she was in our place and the support that everyone gave her. Ok I’m done.
May has become a literal mind field of triggers for me. It’s funny how I now see everything in light of “before” and “after” babies. I’ll look at my wedding pictures or pictures with friends at various events and immediately I’ll know if it was ‘before’, or during one of my pregnancies or ‘since’. The ‘since’ pictures are the hardest because I can clearly see a difference in my smile…I’m not that person in the before pictures and I honestly don’t know when, if ever, I’ll get back to that.
And here comes May.
May is birthday (1st), MOTHER’S DAY( yes all CAPS because the world has been shouting it at me), the anniversary of Langston’s birth (14th) and what was supposed to be the baby shower for Lucas (30th). Even before this month started, I was ready for June. Last week building up to my birthday I felt the heaviness approaching. How is it possible that in a year I have lost two sons?? How is that my life? It seems so surreal.
I gave Hubbins a heads up that this month would be hard and in the special way he has, he took care of me. Friday we spent the day together, had breakfast at a little café (amazing French Toast)and he sent me for a manicure and pedicure. That night we had pizza on the couch and caught up on our tv shows (THE BEST PIZZA EVER after coming off a green smoothie cleanse lol) Saturday was church, lunch and then that night he organized for my close girlfriends and their spouses to join us to see The Jungle Book ( I am huge Disney fan). Sunday while he went to church, I slept. Really slept. Until 1pm. And then I took a nap from 5-6. That evening we tried a new Thai restaurant near us. The weekend was just what I needed. Time with Hubbins, close friends who always know what to say and food ( I like to eat friends.. tis what it is). I feel fortified for the upcoming two weekends. They are going to be hard. But I’ve survived 366 days of hard so I know I can do it.