More fear, More faith

Since we lost our son and I have been exploring different blogs and forums, I have found so many more things to be afraid of if   when we get pregnant again. Before, I didn’t know about blighted ovums and chemical pregnancies and babies whose heart just stops beating and babies who have a great heartbeat and are born and stop breathing. All these things. My biggest worry was getting our future child to stay in and incubate till it was time for them to meet the world. Now I’m realizing there are so many other things that can go wrong in those 9 months that I can’t protect them from and that I have no control over. I believe this is where my faith sustains me. I don’t know how I would be able to approach pregnancy knowing that there was no one in control of things, no one who could have a hand in making sure that our child was healthy, developed properly and empowered my body to sustain life. In reality, my body is nothing; merely the vessel. The life of my unborn child  is in the hand of someone greater than I. He promises to hold my heart in His hand till the gift of our perfect child is ready. When that time comes, I know I can trust Him for the peace that I will need to make it through.

Advertisements

What would y’all say?

I need help. What would you guys do in this situation:

I have a coworker who is pregnant with her 6th child. SIXTH CHILD. She and I aren’t super close; we have a good working relationship but in the past, she has shared with me different issues that she has/had with her children’s fathers. Multiple fathers. I want to say there are 4 in all. Currently, 4 of her children do not live with her and are with her sister in another state as she was unable to care for them. What do I say when she has her baby daddy/pregnancy/woe is me stories? What I want to say is 1) unkind 2)profane.

Just want your opinions on how I address this..if at all. I could just ignore her I guess.

In the quiet 

It’s Sunday evening. We have had dinner and are relaxing contemplating the work week. Watching football. Just being quiet with each other. I absentmindedly placed my hand on my stomach…and I remember. I remembered that you should have been here. We should be busy making last minute preparations for your arrival. I miss you. This is the hardest feeling to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced this kind of loss. I never felt you move, didn’t get to know you but you were a part of me and I am absolutely aware of that part being gone. Most days, I’m ok. But sometimes, in the quiet times, I’m not. 

CD10 update

Just got back from my scan. We have one follicle…one. I will admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the increased meds would lead to more follicles but my RE said:  “all I (yes I lol) need is one to make you a healthy baby”. It is a good sized follicle at 22mm so I’m going to trigger today and start progesterone on Saturday and then sit and wait.

CD10

It is 1:21 am and in a few hours I go in for my CD10 ultrasound. This is my first month on the increased Femara dose and I’m a little nervous. The first month,  I had 3 good sized follicles (all between 17-22mm) by day 13 and nothing happened. Last month, I had one super follicle (20mm) on day 10 that I personally think was a fluke. Today I find out what my body has been doing with the new increased dose. The headaches are finally seeming to taper off and for that I’m thankful. The hardest part heading into a ‘new month’ is the fact that I don’t really have control over how my body responds. I could go in and have 2 follicles or I could have 7 (exaggerated) but there is nothing that I can really do to determine that.

I have always been a control freak. I over plan, over analyze and over organize. This journey to baby allows me to do none of those things and I am trying to be OK with that. Honestly, I don’t have any feelings either way about today’s scan. Part of the way I emotionally protect myself is that I don’t want to get too optimistic. I fell apart last month when we had a negative test and I can’t do that every month till our rainbow. So we will see what God has in store for us this time around.

The emptiness

As I get closer to what would have been our son’s due date on the 14th of November this empty feeling just gets bigger. It has always been there.  I felt it the afternoon I left the hospital with empty arms and the understanding that I came in pregnant and was leaving with nothing. I feel it when I look at the bag of maternity dresses in the corner that I bought for this summer/fall season in anticipation of my blossoming stomach. I feel it when I pass parents on the street with their new precious baby boys and I know that our son never got the chance to live. I feel it when Hubbins man friends cancel football watching plans because of a kiddie party…that he isn’t invited to. It is an ache that I can’t describe. A longing for something that I had . I don’t know how I can walk around daily when part of me no longer exists. I don’t know how to be a mother but not a mom.

Raging Monster Beast

*This is a purely angry ranty shouty post; consider yourself forewarned*

Listen…I don’t know what is going on. It could be the increased dose of Femara/Letrazole (upped to 7.5mg from 5.0mg) and the agonizing headaches that I’ve been having for the last 3 days. It could be I’m just tired because I worked the weekend and I’m currently in the middle of a 16 hour shift. It could be I’m just not in the mood to deal with anyone’s aintshittedness…but I am a rage machine today.

Things that have taken me from zero to Hulk smash mode  today:

  • I dropped the knife I was using to make my peanut butter and jelly sandwich this morning and it landed on my scrub shirt…3 minutes before I needed to be out the door to avoid being late. I then had to drive ‘purposefully’ to work on a day where everyone decided it was a good day to sightsee along the highway and leisurely cruise at 40 miles an hour.
  • I am working in the Valley of Incompetence today. I don’t know who MIB flashy-thinged my coworkers when they went home last night but they came in this morning and had forgotten how to be medical technologists so I have had the privilege of baby bird feeding them today.
  • The valley of incompetence is adjacent to the Swamp of Laziness. Look, in your free time at work I don’t care if you look up catalogs selling socks for squirrels or watch YouTube videos featuring dancing caterpillars. HOWEVER, when there is work to be done we all need to get into ass kicking  mode and work with fervor till such a time as we have no samples to run and you can return to your idleness. There has been work sitting while I’m running samples and as soon as I then move to another analyzer to run them, I hear: “Oh I can do that”. Yes. You could have. In the last 8 minutes that it just sat there. Get out of my way.

angry-face

I know that I’m being cranky and I realize that maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today but I just want to build a cave and crawl into it and live in solitude with my pet rocks.