More fear, More faith

Since we lost our son and I have been exploring different blogs and forums, I have found so many more things to be afraid of if   when we get pregnant again. Before, I didn’t know about blighted ovums and chemical pregnancies and babies whose heart just stops beating and babies who have a great heartbeat and are born and stop breathing. All these things. My biggest worry was getting our future child to stay in and incubate till it was time for them to meet the world. Now I’m realizing there are so many other things that can go wrong in those 9 months that I can’t protect them from and that I have no control over. I believe this is where my faith sustains me. I don’t know how I would be able to approach pregnancy knowing that there was no one in control of things, no one who could have a hand in making sure that our child was healthy, developed properly and empowered my body to sustain life. In reality, my body is nothing; merely the vessel. The life of my unborn child  is in the hand of someone greater than I. He promises to hold my heart in His hand till the gift of our perfect child is ready. When that time comes, I know I can trust Him for the peace that I will need to make it through.

What would y’all say?

I need help. What would you guys do in this situation:

I have a coworker who is pregnant with her 6th child. SIXTH CHILD. She and I aren’t super close; we have a good working relationship but in the past, she has shared with me different issues that she has/had with her children’s fathers. Multiple fathers. I want to say there are 4 in all. Currently, 4 of her children do not live with her and are with her sister in another state as she was unable to care for them. What do I say when she has her baby daddy/pregnancy/woe is me stories? What I want to say is 1) unkind 2)profane.

Just want your opinions on how I address this..if at all. I could just ignore her I guess.

In the quiet 

It’s Sunday evening. We have had dinner and are relaxing contemplating the work week. Watching football. Just being quiet with each other. I absentmindedly placed my hand on my stomach…and I remember. I remembered that you should have been here. We should be busy making last minute preparations for your arrival. I miss you. This is the hardest feeling to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced this kind of loss. I never felt you move, didn’t get to know you but you were a part of me and I am absolutely aware of that part being gone. Most days, I’m ok. But sometimes, in the quiet times, I’m not. 

CD10 update

Just got back from my scan. We have one follicle…one. I will admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the increased meds would lead to more follicles but my RE said:  “all I (yes I lol) need is one to make you a healthy baby”. It is a good sized follicle at 22mm so I’m going to trigger today and start progesterone on Saturday and then sit and wait.

CD10

It is 1:21 am and in a few hours I go in for my CD10 ultrasound. This is my first month on the increased Femara dose and I’m a little nervous. The first month,  I had 3 good sized follicles (all between 17-22mm) by day 13 and nothing happened. Last month, I had one super follicle (20mm) on day 10 that I personally think was a fluke. Today I find out what my body has been doing with the new increased dose. The headaches are finally seeming to taper off and for that I’m thankful. The hardest part heading into a ‘new month’ is the fact that I don’t really have control over how my body responds. I could go in and have 2 follicles or I could have 7 (exaggerated) but there is nothing that I can really do to determine that.

I have always been a control freak. I over plan, over analyze and over organize. This journey to baby allows me to do none of those things and I am trying to be OK with that. Honestly, I don’t have any feelings either way about today’s scan. Part of the way I emotionally protect myself is that I don’t want to get too optimistic. I fell apart last month when we had a negative test and I can’t do that every month till our rainbow. So we will see what God has in store for us this time around.

The emptiness

As I get closer to what would have been our son’s due date on the 14th of November this empty feeling just gets bigger. It has always been there.  I felt it the afternoon I left the hospital with empty arms and the understanding that I came in pregnant and was leaving with nothing. I feel it when I look at the bag of maternity dresses in the corner that I bought for this summer/fall season in anticipation of my blossoming stomach. I feel it when I pass parents on the street with their new precious baby boys and I know that our son never got the chance to live. I feel it when Hubbins man friends cancel football watching plans because of a kiddie party…that he isn’t invited to. It is an ache that I can’t describe. A longing for something that I had . I don’t know how I can walk around daily when part of me no longer exists. I don’t know how to be a mother but not a mom.

Raging Monster Beast

*This is a purely angry ranty shouty post; consider yourself forewarned*

Listen…I don’t know what is going on. It could be the increased dose of Femara/Letrazole (upped to 7.5mg from 5.0mg) and the agonizing headaches that I’ve been having for the last 3 days. It could be I’m just tired because I worked the weekend and I’m currently in the middle of a 16 hour shift. It could be I’m just not in the mood to deal with anyone’s aintshittedness…but I am a rage machine today.

Things that have taken me from zero to Hulk smash mode  today:

  • I dropped the knife I was using to make my peanut butter and jelly sandwich this morning and it landed on my scrub shirt…3 minutes before I needed to be out the door to avoid being late. I then had to drive ‘purposefully’ to work on a day where everyone decided it was a good day to sightsee along the highway and leisurely cruise at 40 miles an hour.
  • I am working in the Valley of Incompetence today. I don’t know who MIB flashy-thinged my coworkers when they went home last night but they came in this morning and had forgotten how to be medical technologists so I have had the privilege of baby bird feeding them today.
  • The valley of incompetence is adjacent to the Swamp of Laziness. Look, in your free time at work I don’t care if you look up catalogs selling socks for squirrels or watch YouTube videos featuring dancing caterpillars. HOWEVER, when there is work to be done we all need to get into ass kicking  mode and work with fervor till such a time as we have no samples to run and you can return to your idleness. There has been work sitting while I’m running samples and as soon as I then move to another analyzer to run them, I hear: “Oh I can do that”. Yes. You could have. In the last 8 minutes that it just sat there. Get out of my way.

angry-face

I know that I’m being cranky and I realize that maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today but I just want to build a cave and crawl into it and live in solitude with my pet rocks.

Baby Dedications

We visited a different church yesterday and were blessed to witness a baby boy being dedicated. Baby dedications have always been nostalgic/difficult for me as they represented dreams I had for my life and future. Before I was married, I would see these little families stand up with their new addition and wonder if I would ever find someone to build that with. Once we began trying, I would wonder when it would be my turn to stand with my friends and family as we dedicated our baby back to the Lord that saw fit to give us this wonderful gift.  Since losing our son, I have been through two baby dedications with this being the second one. The first was very emotional. This precious child came after recurring miscarriages and there was not a dry eye in church as words were spoken about how this little one was prayed so fervently for daily. We all collectively held our breath as the days and months ticked by and we began to get more comfortable that this baby would make. And then she arrived, and she was perfect. That day I cried tears of joy as I witnessed the ability of God to provide restoration and completion after loss. The tears also represented hope because God is faithful and His promises are true that no good thing that we desire will He withhold from us.

The dedication yesterday found me getting misty eyed again but for a different reason this time. As I listened to the pastor speak of the importance of this day and the symbolism of committing your child’s life back into God’s hands I smiled. I smiled because I realized that dedication can happen at any stage in your child’s life. We are not yet pregnant but I am trusting God that this is not a blessing that He will withhold from us; getting pregnant the first time was difficult and we were blessed to be able to conceive our son. I cannot believe that a God who loves me so much as to allow me the privilege of co-laboring with Him to produce life would place this longing in me for a child only to see it unanswered. There are lessons of faith that I need to learn in this season and I’m trying to do just that.

While learning those lessons though, I can decide to dedicate my unborn and yet unconceived child back to their Heavenly Father. God sees and knows all. He knew my son while he was yet in my body; before I knew I was pregnant, God had already seen my baby and formed him in His perfect image. So to my yet unconceived child, I give you to God even now.  I entrust your conception and the circumstances under which you will be created to my Father. I trust Him to form you perfectly and to create every cell of your being in His perfect time. I trust Him to allow you the time you need to grow and to heal my body and equip it to be able to nurture and sustain you till you are ready for this world. Your Father sees and knows you and I trust that when He is ready, He will allow us to be blessed to serve as your earthly parents.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him. 

So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.

1 Samuel 1: 27-28

~faithhopefear

Month 3 here we go!

Cycle Day 2.

A new month.

A new chance.

*I read the tittle in my Super Mario voice, I’m trying to be in a happier place*

Today I will start my Femara for the next 5 days. This will be my first month on an increased dose of 7.5mg as my RE wants to prompt, in her words, a “more robust response”. *As I have a vivid imagination, I pictured my ovaries as lumberjacks in red and black jackets…robust right?* Last month, I had one follicle measuring 20 and one measuring an 8 and while we triggered via the Ovidrel, I was skeptical about that 8. Dr. C did warn me that with increasing the Femara we slightly increased the risk of multiples which for me is quite risky due to my lazy, do nothing incompetent cervix. We will cross that bridge when we reach it.
Step 1. Get pregnant.

Step 2. Profit *If you get this South Park reference, you are awesome*

October/November..let’s go!

mario

~faithhopefear

October 15th – We Remember

There is a part of me that is dreading this day. On my calendar, I have a note that says “We Remember” as it marks the National Day for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance. I just knew that on this day I would have gotten my positive test  the day before and while it would have been hard I would have still been hopeful. Truth is, I don’t need a day for remembering. I remember daily. I remember the endless nausea that would wake me in the middle of the night. I remember the excitement when our parents opened the surprise boxes that told them to expect their first Grandchild in November. I remember planning our gender- reveal shower and imagining how we would find out the sex of our baby surrounded by so much love. I also remember the terror of my water breaking and the sleepless night that I spent knowing something was wrong but praying fervently that God would make it be OK. I remember heading to the hospital that morning in my work clothes because I was sure that I would have a quick checkup and be on my way. I remember the silence in the room as they listened for a heartbeat that was slowly fading. Continue reading “October 15th – We Remember”