I have been slacking on my writing. It feels like since we haven’t started treatment again (I’m going in for my screening US on the 12th), I don’t know what to write about. Today I stumbled upon JenJen06’s post about Carly Marie’s Capture Your Grief project for October and it was just what I needed. It is more of a photo project I think but I am going to write with it. The photo I will share on social media probably but as this is still largely anonymous,my other thoughts will go here. I like the idea of “mindful healing”. Sometimes it is easy to just ‘move’ through our grief; the bad days are bad and the rest of the days we just make it. I want to continue to heal. I want to honor the memory of my sons; I need to be whole for my future children.
Check out the link below and join me if you are interested!!
Capture Your Grief 2016
Last week I saw both my RE and my OB/GYN. The RE was because I had no idea where I was in my cycle (spotting is fun.. YAY PCOS) and my OB/GYN to get a regular well woman check up as I haven’t seen anyone since surgery followup. I also wanted to talk to them both about our upcoming cruise in November in light of the Zika virus. They both said the same thing: you go nowhere if you are pregnant. If I’m not pregnant, the plan is to be cautious.. overly cautious…marinating in DEET cautious. Both feel like since it is a cruise and we aren’t staying on the island for an extended period of time they feel comfortable with us both travelling. I got my lab results back which show I haven’t ovulated this month so Dr. C (RE) said I could technically start Femara/Ovidrel this month. We have decided to hold off until October. We both need this cruise. NEED. One more month of waiting isn’t going to change much. I am looking forward to getting away and coming back refreshed and ready for this next leg of the journey.
What have your doctors been saying about Zika? My doctor’s both seem pretty laid back as I’m not pregnant.
It seems fitting that on the one year anniversary of this blog, I go back to my RE today. Yup y’all. We are starting again. I have been away for sometime. Gathering strength for the journey I guess? How do I feel? Today.. fortified. I’m ready. This weekend, I had a meltdown. It was the first in awhile and I COULD NOT STOP CRYING. A few hours later, I was all right. I think that is what this grief journey looks like for me. And I think it is a good place to be. I won’t ever ‘get over’ my Langston and Lucas. Some days will be hard. That is expected. But most of the days are good and I feel….optimistic? Hopeful is a strong word so I don’t think I’m at hopeful yet. But optimistic is good. I had my TAC. I waited. I have started working (yet AGAIN) on eating healthy and getting regular exercise. I have done my part to prepare to give any future babies the best chance that they can have at staying in and baking for as long as they need to. And above all, I trust God. Sometimes I catch myself planning timing and what happens with work and what happens with buying a house and and and and and I stop myself. I have worried through fertility treatments and pregnancies and it got me nowhere other than worked up. So this time, I’m going to try trust. Wholehearted. Unashamed. Nonsensical (at times) trust. I trust God. I gotta say it till it becomes second nature but till then when I am tempted to doubt, remind myself of the verse below. He has a plan. I just have to be brave enough to stick around to see what it is. So here we go!!!!!
I got a notification that today was my one year anniversary on WordPress. Wow!! It simultaneously feels like an lifetime and an instant. So much has happened in that year. I remember when I first got here. I was so… heavy. I needed a way to escape the feeling of having lost Langston. Writing seemed like a good outlet. So I tentatively made that first post not knowing where it would go, if anyone would see it or if anyone would care. I found out I was wrong. What I found here was a community that I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams existed. Here I found acceptance and understanding. Here I didn’t have to be ashamed of my grief or guilt or jealousy or anger or the dark thoughts that came when I said I was ‘OK’.
I have developed friendships here that have helped me in this last year. When I got pregnant with Lucas my sisters here rejoiced with me. They held their breaths through every ultrasound, prayed through every sleepless night, helped me laugh when I was being cynical and cried with me when the anxiety threatened to overwhelm. And when the unthinkable happened, when we lost yet another son, my sisters grieved with me. Across miles, they held me in their hearts. They ranted and screamed and cried to a God who would do this again…..and then, little by little, we healed and accepted and returned to that same God who always restores. I know that I couldn’t have made it this last year without my community here. Thank you for taking me in when I was broken and for starting the healing process. Thank you for allowing me to glimpse your sorrow, your anger, your frustration but most importantly, your hope. Here’s to many more years.