Apprehension

13 weeks and 5 days. That’s how far along I was when I went into labor and we lost our son. Today I am 11 weeks and 4 days and as week 13 inches closer, I can feel the anxiety growing in my stomach. It doesn’t help that it has been almost two weeks since I was able to see Baby Nugget via ultrasound on the 16th. I won’t get another chance till the 4th. I understand this is a blessing; I recently learned that certain insurances/health care systems cover a limited amount of ultrasounds whether you are deemed high risk or not. For the sake of my sanity, I am glad this is not the case. I keep telling myself that once I make it to Wednesday January 14th I will be more pregnant than I ever have been. That seems so far away.

Today, I am still pregnant.

I have faith in God that this pregnancy will end with me bringing home a healthy baby.

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11 Weeks (a day late) 

Due Date: July 15, 2016

Baby Nugget is the size of a: Fig!

Total weight gain: -2.0 lbs. My home scale and doctor’s office scale differ from each other by about 3 lbs but I’m down 2 on both. Trying to hold off on my weight gain for as long as I can.

Maternity Clothes: None yet, but I have started wearing a Belly Band for my jeans just because I don’t like the buttons touching my stomach.

Stretch Marks: No new ones… I don’t think. #huskygirlproblems

Sleep:  Due to this cough that won’t go away, not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. Right when I do fall asleep, it is time to get up for a bathroom break.

Best Moment of the Week: We told my mom about the baby yesterday on Christmas. She is excited but also reserved and that broke my heart a little. Her dancing around after made it better 😊

Miss Anything? Steak cooked to medium temp, hot dogs, lunch meat.

Movement: Too soon to tell.

Food cravings: All carbs. I had potatoes and a biscuit for breakfast one day. Noodles. Rice. Bread. Cooked spinach surprisingly.

Anything make you sick or queasy: The thought of all other vegetables other than cooked spinach. I tried to eat sweet potatoes the other night and they felt like they were trying to crawl down my throat.

Gender/Sex Prediction: I feel it is a girl. Planning to not find out till our reveal shower sometime in April/May.

Labor signs: Thankfully no!! I need these to not be a thing for a good long time.

Symptoms: Tiredness is still a big one. I can also smell everything. No nausea this week but the feeling of having too much saliva whenever I smell food isn’t pleasant. Dull pain on right side when I turn too quickly.

Belly button in or out: In.

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Bump: Meh.. who knows. I have been taking pictures but because I have a tummy already it’s kind of hard to tell what’s just regular fat and possible baby.

Happy or Moody: A good mix of both. Not quite moody; more so nostalgic. It is Christmas and I am enjoying time with Hubbins and family but thinking about the fact that Langston should be here.

Looking forward to: My first appointment for genetic testing with Maternal Fetal Medicine on Monday. Making it to the end of my first trimester on January 1st  🙂

Jumping all in

I made a decision today. Well actually, a few days ago..but it’s not official official till I share it here 🙂

I’m all in.

I have been trying to ‘not get too attached’ (yes that sounds horrible and I feel bad for even typing it) to this pregnancy. I am following all my doctor’s orders and doing all the right things but in the meantime, I haven’t been allowing my self to dream. To hope. To think about anything after today. To plan names. To pull out the pregnancy journal that I finally got the courage to buy. I haven’t done any of those things and I told myself it was because I was ‘shielding my heart’ from the ‘what ifs’.

I know I have blogged about this in the past and while I can’t remember who said it where, I do remember that one of you guys, my blog sisters, my ‘this journey is shitty but here we are’ companions said something like: “cherish every moment. Embrace the memories. Log all the things. God forbid, if something is to happen, you not cherishing the time you have will not change the outcome…it will just lead you to regret not having the memories that you could have because you spent your time planning for the future without enjoying what you have in the right now”. This sentiment has been echoed by a new found sister friend that was gifted to me via the TTC mug exchange. (Seriously, do this next year guys, it is so fun. My new girlfriend and I text all day lol)

As such, I’m going to be starting weekly (symptoms, appropriate fruit size comparisons) update posts on Baby Nugget. I will be borrowing my format from Caroline God’s Time, God’s Plan because I look forward to her updates 🙂

I want to say again that I understand if the weekly posts are a lot for some of you guys and there will be no hard feelings if you need to unfollow; I will understand. Self care above all else.

 

 

 

“Enjoy this part, it gets shitty after this”

Yup. That’s what my eyebrow lady had to say to me today. She was complaining about the ends of my brows being gone and I said “well, my hormones have been all over the place. I was pregnant, then I wasn’t, now I am again”. After “you have been wanting to be pregnant for awhile now right?”, that was her response. I was stunned. My answer: “well I’m hoping sincerely to just make it to next week so I will give anything to be in the shitty phase of having my kid”. *cue crickets* I just want some people to have muzzles.

9 weeks, 5 days

I went for my checkup yesterday. The anxiety started around Sunday and built steadily till the time I walked into the ultrasound room.  This appointment was for sonogram and then regular checkup with my doctor. I love my ultrasound tech. She has always remembered me from the last time and I feel like she takes extra special care with me when I come in. Baby is doing well!!!! As soon as I saw the heartbeat, that is when I remembered to breathe. Every time this happens, it sinks in that try as I might to ‘not get attached’, the minute I saw that 2nd pink line, I was in love.

Back on track…

Baby is measuring exactly 9 weeks and 5 days and has a heart rate of 172. My cervix is nice and long at 4.56 cm and remains shut! I got a few nice pictures and as soon as I can figure out what is going on with my phone, I will add them to this post.

After sonogram, I had a checkup with Dr. H. We did a urine culture and what I think is gonorrhea culture.. I saw the swab but forgot to ask what specific culture it was. I am down 2 pounds from when I last saw her so she is happy about that. She doesn’t want me to gain any more than 20 pounds for this pregnancy so I’m trying my best to ‘save’ as much of that as I can for later 🙂 We reviewed my labs from last time and she said that everything looks good so far BUT I am anemic. This has always been an issue for me, but she said we need to try to get my hemoglobin up to around 12 for this pregnancy; I am currently at a 10 so she started me on an iron supplement that I need to add to my prenatal. We talked about my heartburn and she recommended Pepcid in addition to the TUMS that I have been popping like Tic-Tacs.

Next steps: My first appointment with maternal fetal medicine (MFM) is on the 28th of December. At that time we will do the blood work part of the NT scan (genetic testing). The following Monday, on the 4th, I go back to MFM for the NT ultrasound which measures the thickness of the fold on baby’s neck (another form of testing for genetic abnormalities). At that time, I will get a recommendation from them for the timing of cerclage placement as well as information about continuing progesterone in form of the shots (still taking the Endometrin vaginally). On the 5th, I go  back to Dr. H and review their recommendation and she will schedule my cerclage. I will say, I am getting nervous. Most preventative cerclages are placed around 15 weeks but since my last loss was at 14 weeks she wants to aim for 13 weeks if possible.

I’ve decided to tell my mom on Christmas Day. I am still really apprehensive about telling anyone but I don’t feel comfortable going into having the procedure without her knowing. I’m excited about that. 🙂

The thing about weekly updates…

I love reading all the weekly updates on here that list symptoms and feelings and such. It makes me feel like I am part of everyone’s journey.

However, I am hesitant to do these for my own pregnancy because:

  1. What if something happens? That is my big one. I have the “What to Expect” Journal that I had started filling out for my son and although I have bought another one, I haven’t started writing down anything yet because I can’t bear the thought of having another incomplete book. I have all my sonogram pics so far just sitting in an envelope on the dresser for this same reason. Once I make it to 14 weeks, I will have been more pregnant than I ever have been and then maybe I may feel better about trying it.
  2. I still feel kind of guilty about this pregnancy. I feel like I can’t just ‘start over’ with this new baby…as if I just hit the reset button. I don’t know if that makes sense.
  3. My stomach is not cute. I have a pooch….well,,its a roll. I will never the one whose stomach is exposed for the mass populous to see. I also feel like because of my HUGE boobs, I’m going to make it to 7 months pregnant and still just look….fat. So the idea of belly pics aren’t really appealing to me. Even in this though, I’m conflicted. I don’t want to not document this pregnancy because of my own stupid self esteem issues.. meh.. thoughts.

Till I’m ready, keep the updates coming and I will live vicariously through all your little ones. 🙂

Zombie eye

Fun lesson that I learned last night: If you throw up while you are congested, the pressure in your head builds up and you wake up the next morning having broken a blood vessel in your eye and looking like a zombie. You will then freak out all your coworkers who will think you have pink eye and ask you all day long if you should be at work.

That’s all that’s new here: zombie eye, congestion, throwing up.

Next appointment is on the 16th and hoping to be feeling better by then. Also: will be asking my doctor if weekly sonograms can be a thing because usually about a week and a half in is when I start wondering if everything is all right since last time we checked.