Apprehension

13 weeks and 5 days. That’s how far along I was when I went into labor and we lost our son. Today I am 11 weeks and 4 days and as week 13 inches closer, I can feel the anxiety growing in my stomach. It doesn’t help that it has been almost two weeks since I was able to see Baby Nugget via ultrasound on the 16th. I won’t get another chance till the 4th. I understand this is a blessing; I recently learned that certain insurances/health care systems cover a limited amount of ultrasounds whether you are deemed high risk or not. For the sake of my sanity, I am glad this is not the case. I keep telling myself that once I make it to Wednesday January 14th I will be more pregnant than I ever have been. That seems so far away.

Today, I am still pregnant.

I have faith in God that this pregnancy will end with me bringing home a healthy baby.

11 Weeks (a day late)

Due Date: July 15, 2016

Baby Nugget is the size of a: Fig!

Total weight gain: -2.0 lbs. My home scale and doctor’s office scale differ from each other by about 3 lbs but I’m down 2 on both. Trying to hold off on my weight gain for as long as I can.

Maternity Clothes: None yet, but I have started wearing a Belly Band for my jeans just because I don’t like the buttons touching my stomach.

Stretch Marks: No new ones… I don’t think. #huskygirlproblems

Sleep:  Due to this cough that won’t go away, not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time. Right when I do fall asleep, it is time to get up for a bathroom break.

Best Moment of the Week: We told my mom about the baby yesterday on Christmas. She is excited but also reserved and that broke my heart a little. Her dancing around after made it better 😊

Miss Anything? Steak cooked to medium temp, hot dogs, lunch meat.

Movement: Too soon to tell.

Food cravings: All carbs. I had potatoes and a biscuit for breakfast one day. Noodles. Rice. Bread. Cooked spinach surprisingly.

Anything make you sick or queasy: The thought of all other vegetables other than cooked spinach. I tried to eat sweet potatoes the other night and they felt like they were trying to crawl down my throat.

Gender/Sex Prediction: I feel it is a girl. Planning to not find out till our reveal shower sometime in April/May.

Labor signs: Thankfully no!! I need these to not be a thing for a good long time.

Symptoms: Tiredness is still a big one. I can also smell everything. No nausea this week but the feeling of having too much saliva whenever I smell food isn’t pleasant. Dull pain on right side when I turn too quickly.

Belly button in or out: In.

Wedding rings on or off: On.

Bump: Meh.. who knows. I have been taking pictures but because I have a tummy already it’s kind of hard to tell what’s just regular fat and possible baby.

Happy or Moody: A good mix of both. Not quite moody; more so nostalgic. It is Christmas and I am enjoying time with Hubbins and family but thinking about the fact that Langston should be here.

Looking forward to: My first appointment for genetic testing with Maternal Fetal Medicine on Monday. Making it to the end of my first trimester on January 1st  🙂

Jumping all in

I made a decision today. Well actually, a few days ago..but it’s not official official till I share it here 🙂

I’m all in.

I have been trying to ‘not get too attached’ (yes that sounds horrible and I feel bad for even typing it) to this pregnancy. I am following all my doctor’s orders and doing all the right things but in the meantime, I haven’t been allowing my self to dream. To hope. To think about anything after today. To plan names. To pull out the pregnancy journal that I finally got the courage to buy. I haven’t done any of those things and I told myself it was because I was ‘shielding my heart’ from the ‘what ifs’.

I know I have blogged about this in the past and while I can’t remember who said it where, I do remember that one of you guys, my blog sisters, my ‘this journey is shitty but here we are’ companions said something like: “cherish every moment. Embrace the memories. Log all the things. God forbid, if something is to happen, you not cherishing the time you have will not change the outcome…it will just lead you to regret not having the memories that you could have because you spent your time planning for the future without enjoying what you have in the right now”. This sentiment has been echoed by a new found sister friend that was gifted to me via the TTC mug exchange. (Seriously, do this next year guys, it is so fun. My new girlfriend and I text all day lol)

As such, I’m going to be starting weekly (symptoms, appropriate fruit size comparisons) update posts on Baby Nugget. I will be borrowing my format from Caroline God’s Time, God’s Plan because I look forward to her updates 🙂

I want to say again that I understand if the weekly posts are a lot for some of you guys and there will be no hard feelings if you need to unfollow; I will understand. Self care above all else.

 

 

 

“Enjoy this part, it gets shitty after this”

Yup. That’s what my eyebrow lady had to say to me today. She was complaining about the ends of my brows being gone and I said “well, my hormones have been all over the place. I was pregnant, then I wasn’t, now I am again”. After “you have been wanting to be pregnant for awhile now right?”, that was her response. I was stunned. My answer: “well I’m hoping sincerely to just make it to next week so I will give anything to be in the shitty phase of having my kid”. *cue crickets* I just want some people to have muzzles.

9 weeks, 5 days

I went for my checkup yesterday. The anxiety started around Sunday and built steadily till the time I walked into the ultrasound room.  This appointment was for sonogram and then regular checkup with my doctor. I love my ultrasound tech. She has always remembered me from the last time and I feel like she takes extra special care with me when I come in. Baby is doing well!!!! As soon as I saw the heartbeat, that is when I remembered to breathe. Every time this happens, it sinks in that try as I might to ‘not get attached’, the minute I saw that 2nd pink line, I was in love.

Back on track…

Baby is measuring exactly 9 weeks and 5 days and has a heart rate of 172. My cervix is nice and long at 4.56 cm and remains shut! I got a few nice pictures and as soon as I can figure out what is going on with my phone, I will add them to this post.

After sonogram, I had a checkup with Dr. H. We did a urine culture and what I think is gonorrhea culture.. I saw the swab but forgot to ask what specific culture it was. I am down 2 pounds from when I last saw her so she is happy about that. She doesn’t want me to gain any more than 20 pounds for this pregnancy so I’m trying my best to ‘save’ as much of that as I can for later 🙂 We reviewed my labs from last time and she said that everything looks good so far BUT I am anemic. This has always been an issue for me, but she said we need to try to get my hemoglobin up to around 12 for this pregnancy; I am currently at a 10 so she started me on an iron supplement that I need to add to my prenatal. We talked about my heartburn and she recommended Pepcid in addition to the TUMS that I have been popping like Tic-Tacs.

Next steps: My first appointment with maternal fetal medicine (MFM) is on the 28th of December. At that time we will do the blood work part of the NT scan (genetic testing). The following Monday, on the 4th, I go back to MFM for the NT ultrasound which measures the thickness of the fold on baby’s neck (another form of testing for genetic abnormalities). At that time, I will get a recommendation from them for the timing of cerclage placement as well as information about continuing progesterone in form of the shots (still taking the Endometrin vaginally). On the 5th, I go  back to Dr. H and review their recommendation and she will schedule my cerclage. I will say, I am getting nervous. Most preventative cerclages are placed around 15 weeks but since my last loss was at 14 weeks she wants to aim for 13 weeks if possible.

I’ve decided to tell my mom on Christmas Day. I am still really apprehensive about telling anyone but I don’t feel comfortable going into having the procedure without her knowing. I’m excited about that. 🙂

The thing about weekly updates…

I love reading all the weekly updates on here that list symptoms and feelings and such. It makes me feel like I am part of everyone’s journey.

However, I am hesitant to do these for my own pregnancy because:

1. What if something happens? That is my big one. I have the “What to Expect” Journal that I had started filling out for my son and although I have bought another one, I haven’t started writing down anything yet because I can’t bear the thought of having another incomplete book. I have all my sonogram pics so far just sitting in an envelope on the dresser for this same reason. Once I make it to 14 weeks, I will have been more pregnant than I ever have been and then maybe I may feel better about trying it.
2. I still feel kind of guilty about this pregnancy. I feel like I can’t just ‘start over’ with this new baby…as if I just hit the reset button. I don’t know if that makes sense.
3. My stomach is not cute. I have a pooch….well,,its a roll. I will never the one whose stomach is exposed for the mass populous to see. I also feel like because of my HUGE boobs, I’m going to make it to 7 months pregnant and still just look….fat. So the idea of belly pics aren’t really appealing to me. Even in this though, I’m conflicted. I don’t want to not document this pregnancy because of my own stupid self esteem issues.. meh.. thoughts.

Till I’m ready, keep the updates coming and I will live vicariously through all your little ones. 🙂

Zombie eye

Fun lesson that I learned last night: If you throw up while you are congested, the pressure in your head builds up and you wake up the next morning having broken a blood vessel in your eye and looking like a zombie. You will then freak out all your coworkers who will think you have pink eye and ask you all day long if you should be at work.

That’s all that’s new here: zombie eye, congestion, throwing up.

Next appointment is on the 16th and hoping to be feeling better by then. Also: will be asking my doctor if weekly sonograms can be a thing because usually about a week and a half in is when I start wondering if everything is all right since last time we checked.

Just words

This post is really just rambling…a lot of thoughts in my head that I don’t know where to get out anywhere else so here they are. They may be dark and nonsensical.. I apologize in advance.

I’m tired. I’m not complaining because I know it is to be expected…but I am exhausted. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and slept till 5:30 and I am having a hard time functioning. I need to clean my house and start getting Christmas stuff done but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep my life away. I know that this isn’t being helped by the change in temperature and weather. It is dark at 5pm and I have no issues with getting in pajamas at 5:30. I know exercise could help with this depleted feeling but even though my doctor has given me the ok to do light walking and stretching I’m scared. I’m in the waiting period where it has been 6 days since I was able to see a heartbeat and I don’t have appointment till next Wednesday so I’m wondering if all is ok.

I’m kind of lonely. Hubbins started a new job a few months ago and while he loves it the hours are sporadic and long. He gets in most nights between 8:30/9 and sometimes as late at 10. When I am either in bed or on my way to bed or cranky because I’m trying to stay up. So we see each other on the weekends. I think I just need to find more things to occupy my time in the evening.

I’m having the worst dreams. I’m ashamed to even write them here but they are all very vivid and most involve the baby. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and have a hard time falling back asleep (probably accounting for my tiredness).

I’m over my coworkers. Today I am working with two women who have spent the entire morning complaining about their young children: “I wish I remember when I could sleep through the night. I would give anything to be able to have a weekend off. You are so lucky you have all this free time.” You would give anything? Would you give your kid? Cuz if you didn’t have one then you wouldn’t have all these ‘problems’ . I know that’s harsh and I know that every stage of this journey comes with its trials and problems but I am not in the mood to hear it from people who got pregnant “accidentally”.

Christmas is getting to me. I can’t stop feeling that I should be getting ready to celebrate with my newborn who isn’t here. I miss my son. Yes I know I never really had ‘time’ with him but I miss the possibility of what he could have been. Hubbins mentioned that we would have a baby next Christmas but I can no longer even hold onto to that hope. Because it is not guaranteed. I acknowledge that today is just a down day and I’ll be back to being optimistic and hopeful tomorrow but today..this is where I am.

Can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong

I know that I just saw my doctor on Wednesday and she said not to worry about the cramping. It is irrational to think that something could be wrong when I JUST SAW HER…but the cramping is still persistent. The only time I remember these cramps from last time was the day my water broke. That same day, I had an ultrasound and everything looked good and I didn’t insist on a manual exam to check the ultrasound. 6 hours later, my water broke. I am not scheduled to go back to see her until the 16th and I really don’t want to bother her and get the reputation of being ‘the lady who is a pain’.  I don’t know what to do other than keep hoping for the best and trying to keep the anxiety at bay.

All is well

We are both ok. I had a major meltdown when we walked in the ultrasound room because the last time I was there, we found out our son’s heartbeat was fading. So cue the hyperventilating and tears. The sono tech was amazing and took extra time reassuring me that baby was ok and letting me see the heartbeat. Doctor H. isn’t sure what caused the cramping; she suspects I overdid it putting up our tree yesterday and just told me take it easy and I follow up again in 2 weeks. I love that neither of them made me feel bad about freaking out for no reason. I want to thank you guys for all the prayers and positive thoughts you sent my way this morning and for bearing with me through my panic spurts.