I’ve been lurking

I just wanted to pop in and say I’m still here. I haven’t had the time to sit and write because between Frick and Frack, work and trying to turn my husband into a twin dad (HALP) I haven’t had time to breathe. But I have been scrolling and have been so happy seeing so many new rainbows loading.

We are currently in the car driving to NC to see dad so that’s why I’ve got a few minutes to update. So let’s see if I can do a bullet style catchup:

  • Babies- Ase and Avi are 5 months and 6 days old. I can’t even believe it has flown this quickly. They are doing amazingly. Ase is up to 14lbs and Avi is right on his heels at 13. Both are trying to sit up, holding their bottles, cooing and babbling up a storm. They stared cereal last month and are drinking 6oz of formula every meal. I feel like I put in a good solid effort with breastfeeding. We got to 5 months on 50/50 breastmilk but since I’ve gone back to work my supply has been dwindling and it started to get more stressful to keep pumping to where I was dreading it. I do still have some guilt because people have SO much to say about breastfeeding and what I should be doing. They are sleeping from 9-530 *insert praise hands*
  • Work- is pandemonium. We are doing construction in the lab. So essentially our space is cut in half while still trying to function. It’s a dumpster fire but I’m charged with maintaining operations and staff morale when most days I really just want to stay “I don’t care about your problems let me go home to my babies”.
  • Home – so you will remember we moved in with my mom when I got pregnant. As such my mom has been home with my children since birth. Last Friday she got an email that she had placed back to work effective Tuesday. My mother in law stepped in and showed up this past Sunday. It is a blessing. I know it is. But there are so many people in this house now and I am ready for our own space. I am really hoping we can buy by this summer.
  • Me- I’m exhausted. Blessed but exhausted. This is hard but I think we are finally hitting our stride. I go into autopilot most days. I am actively looking for a new therapist. It’s time to get back in. I’ve been in a weird headspace where I can’t reconcile having my twins here but also thinking about my boys who had they been here would mean I wouldn’t have my twins. Some days the what if’s are a lot. I also do feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop constantly. I have been so blessed and even in the exhaustion I have all I can ask for so I feel like I’m not enjoying it because I feel something is coming. Not sure if that makes sense. I think it is just the feeling like I don’t want to get too happy because something can always happen…but that feels ungrateful. Meh.

Ok here are pictures. Which is what y’all are here for anyway lol Miss you guys 😘😘

Advertisements

Sigh

I feel like I’ve failed you guys. I didn’t want to be one of the bloggers who just disappeared once they had their babies…but it happened. I just wanted to stop in and say we are all ok. I can’t believe my bunnies will be 3 months old on the 8th. It has been a whirlwind of us learning each other and figuring out sleep and going back to work and all but we are all doing well. I’ve got to do a detailed post soon but for now I’ll leave you guys with pics of my bunnies. 

They are here!!!

Overjoyed to announce that we welcomed our rainbow twins on 8/8/17 at 36 weeks 4 days. Avani Salene Eliana 6lbs 5.9oz. 20 1/2 inches long. 11:24am. Aidan Samuel Elliot 6lbs 3.5oz. 18 1/2 inches long. 11:22am. I ended up delivering a few days ahead of my scheduled date on Friday due to an increase in blood pressure and more intense Braxton Hicks. 

Will do a full post later but just wanted to share with my WordPress family. For now though I’m starting the road to recovery and basking in my two blessings.

11 days left 

35 weeks and 3 days. My body is done. White flag up in surrender.  I somehow went from having gained  no weight in this pregnancy a few weeks ago to picking up 17 pounds of “water weight”. My legs look like tree trunks. My toes don’t bend anymore. There is an actual pouch that has the consistency of orange skin that is below my stomach that the doctor says is just swelling and water storage. Water. Storage. Am I a camel?!?! For what purpose am I storing water?!? She did say it should all work itself out a ‘few weeks’ after delivery but did also caution that with the extra fluids they give you during a c-section it may get worse before it gets better. 

Let’s see what else: still throwing up. They now think that I may have a stomach ulcer because getting sick isn’t associated with nausea but a few hours later it’s like hot acid is in my stomach and the only way for relief is up and out. This close to delivery however they don’t want to say for certain as it may resolve once babies get here.

At this point, we are literally just sitting and waiting. Cervix is showing no signs of labor. I have doctors appointments every 4 days for non stress tests starting last Thursday. The Braxton Hicks contractions have gotten more frequent but haven’t intensified. During my monitoring they make sure that babies heartbeats don’t drop during the contractions; they actually increase to mimic the contractions. It is pretty cool to see. 

I keep dreaming about my babies but it’s the weirdest thing. I can see them in their cribs and can make our details of their arms and legs but when it comes to their faces those aren’t clear. The suspense is driving me batty lol 

Everything is done. We put the video monitors up tonight. I’m going to do one last check of the baby bag this week and install the car seat bases. I can’t believe that in less than two weeks I’ll be bringing home my son and daughter. 

32 weeks 4 days 

I have been wanting to write but I have been so overwhelmed I haven’t known what to say. How did we get here? Are we really here? The feelings are so big and great. We have passed all the milestones.

I know I haven’t documented this pregnancy as much as I did with Langston and Lucas. I started a few times about week 24 to do weekly updates and couldn’t bring myself to it. This was for a few reasons: 

1. The fear. It still felt and feels like “maybe I will be back here in a few weeks with bad news”. You get to the point where you are tired of letting people down and tired of feeling like you’ve disappointed those who were excited. 

2. I haven’t wanted to complain. This pregnancy has been tough and I have always prided myself on being honest and open but I have felt guilty about writing about my aches and pains and such when I know SO many people would give anything to be where I am. That’s just one more of those things that pregnancy after loss brings; you feel so guilty when you’re not glowing and joyful and blissfully pregnant because this was LITERALLY what you prayed for. I’m glad I have a close friend who understands all this and lets me just say “I’m tired and this is hard” without feeling the need to beat me over the head with ‘this is a blessing’. 

So having said all of that here is the quick catch up: 

We officially have a c-section date. We meet our bundles of joy in exactly 30 days on August 11th. I will be 37 weeks on my scheduled c-section date. My TAC has held like a rock and I have had no cervical issues. My babies are gonna be little roly poly bunnies. At their last measurements they weighed 4lbs 12oz and 5lbs 5oz. For reference, average singletons weigh 3lbs 10oz at 32 weeks. My blood sugars have been in control so the doctor isn’t concerned that they are chunking up  because of the gestational diabetes. I on the other hand am still 10lbs less than I was when I got pregnant. That’s what happens when you’re still throwing up almost every other day due to acid reflux 😬😬 
My boss has been great and I’ve still been working from home; my last day is July 21 and after that I’ll just be sitting which sounds amazing. I feel like a house and moving isn’t the easiest. So I’ll just sit till I hatch 

It feels good to say everything is done. Bags are packed. Car seats are in. Rooms are prepped. Hospital tour is done. Pediatrician selected. I literally have my nail, hair and wax appointments to make sure I’m not a hairy fuzzy mess and embarrass my husband lol and we are ready!! 

Ok this got really long but I wanted to catch you guys up. Also: here is a pic…because why not. Guess this is me kind of breaking my annonymity? Meh 😊

Gratefulness

It is 3:12 am. I am up at my normal time because my children are having their early AM dance party and I would not change it for the world. I can’t believe this is me. I can’t believe that we made it here. I can’t believe that we are 2 days away from 28 weeks. That we have passed viability; that we are at that magical number where things should be ok. 
That doesn’t mean that the worry goes away. I won’t stop worrying till they are here; till I can hold them and we start the next phase of our journey where I worry because they are no longer with me. Worry because I can’t always keep them safe. Worry because the terrible world that I am bringing them into isn’t kind to little brown girls and little brown boys. 
Tonight though,  I’m not thinking about that. Tonight I’m just grateful. Grateful that He kept me. That He sustained me. That He didn’t allow me to lose my mind. That even when I wanted to give up He didn’t let me because He was building this story and preparing this blessing just for me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t feel equipped for it but I am so thankful for the opportunity to be their mommy. 
So I will sit in the dark every morning for 3-430 and just recount all the ways that God has been so good to me through the tears and the heartache….and I will continue to be grateful. 
Just a few more weeks bunnies. 

All the Updates

23 WEEKS!!!!!!! Y’all.. I think this is happening. *cue excitement*

My excitement has been building. I feel a little more secure but even in saying that feeling anxious. That is the reality of pregnancy after loss; you always have the fear lurking in the background no matter what is going on.  I’ve been alternating between my MFM and regular OB to where I see someone every two weeks. We had our first anatomy ultrasound at 19 weeks and have needed a subsequent appointment because Frick and Frack REFUSED to cooperate. The doctor is finally comfortable that she has seen everything that she needed.  I am going back next Friday at 24 weeks for one last check of the chambers of their hearts. One of the perks of a twin pregnancy is supposed to be all of the ultrasound pics that you get. Meanwhile, I have one set of pics from their 12 week appointment. One. At my OB’s office, the equipment is so substandard that everything that she prints me looks like it was drawn on an etch a sketch. Next week I am HOPING they cooperate so I can get some decent pics for the baby books. Other good news from the ultrasound.. GENDERS!! We found out we are having a boy and a girl :))))))) I literally couldn’t ask for anything more.

That’s all the good news. For the not so great news, this pregnancy has been kicking my ASS. I am officially on modified bed-rest because of something called SPD Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction. The short summary is my pelvis has prepped itself for delivery too early. So in essence it always feels like my groin is ripping apart. This is a common complication with twins supposedly. Walking, getting in and out of the car, rolling over in bed are all TORTUROUS. But again, trying to take it all in stride. Last night I spent half of the night sleeping propped up in the recliner because laying on my sides (like you’re supposed to) makes my hips go numb. Laying on my stomach is a nono and laying on my back is miserable for my heartburn.

Hmm what else? My Sis in Law is having a shower for us in NY on the 20th of this month. My other shower is on the 4th of June. Invites went out this week and my anxiety peaked to an all time high. Next weekend Hubbins wants to do an official social media announcement. I’m excited but there is always that nagging voice that says  “am I setting people up to let them down again?”? Trying my best to quiet that voice.

My MFM and I had a talk this last week about what timing of positive outcomes looks like for the twins. We have mini goals. First goal is 24 weeks. Then 28 weeks. Our ultimate goal is 38 weeks but she is comfortable with 36. I can’t think that far ahead. I’m still going day by day and week by week. It is flying and dragging all at the same time. I think that is all for now. Will update again soon.