They are here!!!

Overjoyed to announce that we welcomed our rainbow twins on 8/8/17 at 36 weeks 4 days. Avani Salene Eliana 6lbs 5.9oz. 20 1/2 inches long. 11:24am. Aidan Samuel Elliot 6lbs 3.5oz. 18 1/2 inches long. 11:22am. I ended up delivering a few days ahead of my scheduled date on Friday due to an increase in blood pressure and more intense Braxton Hicks. 

Will do a full post later but just wanted to share with my WordPress family. For now though I’m starting the road to recovery and basking in my two blessings.

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11 days left 

35 weeks and 3 days. My body is done. White flag up in surrender.  I somehow went from having gained  no weight in this pregnancy a few weeks ago to picking up 17 pounds of “water weight”. My legs look like tree trunks. My toes don’t bend anymore. There is an actual pouch that has the consistency of orange skin that is below my stomach that the doctor says is just swelling and water storage. Water. Storage. Am I a camel?!?! For what purpose am I storing water?!? She did say it should all work itself out a ‘few weeks’ after delivery but did also caution that with the extra fluids they give you during a c-section it may get worse before it gets better. 

Let’s see what else: still throwing up. They now think that I may have a stomach ulcer because getting sick isn’t associated with nausea but a few hours later it’s like hot acid is in my stomach and the only way for relief is up and out. This close to delivery however they don’t want to say for certain as it may resolve once babies get here.

At this point, we are literally just sitting and waiting. Cervix is showing no signs of labor. I have doctors appointments every 4 days for non stress tests starting last Thursday. The Braxton Hicks contractions have gotten more frequent but haven’t intensified. During my monitoring they make sure that babies heartbeats don’t drop during the contractions; they actually increase to mimic the contractions. It is pretty cool to see. 

I keep dreaming about my babies but it’s the weirdest thing. I can see them in their cribs and can make our details of their arms and legs but when it comes to their faces those aren’t clear. The suspense is driving me batty lol 

Everything is done. We put the video monitors up tonight. I’m going to do one last check of the baby bag this week and install the car seat bases. I can’t believe that in less than two weeks I’ll be bringing home my son and daughter. 

32 weeks 4 days 

I have been wanting to write but I have been so overwhelmed I haven’t known what to say. How did we get here? Are we really here? The feelings are so big and great. We have passed all the milestones.

I know I haven’t documented this pregnancy as much as I did with Langston and Lucas. I started a few times about week 24 to do weekly updates and couldn’t bring myself to it. This was for a few reasons: 

1. The fear. It still felt and feels like “maybe I will be back here in a few weeks with bad news”. You get to the point where you are tired of letting people down and tired of feeling like you’ve disappointed those who were excited. 

2. I haven’t wanted to complain. This pregnancy has been tough and I have always prided myself on being honest and open but I have felt guilty about writing about my aches and pains and such when I know SO many people would give anything to be where I am. That’s just one more of those things that pregnancy after loss brings; you feel so guilty when you’re not glowing and joyful and blissfully pregnant because this was LITERALLY what you prayed for. I’m glad I have a close friend who understands all this and lets me just say “I’m tired and this is hard” without feeling the need to beat me over the head with ‘this is a blessing’. 

So having said all of that here is the quick catch up: 

We officially have a c-section date. We meet our bundles of joy in exactly 30 days on August 11th. I will be 37 weeks on my scheduled c-section date. My TAC has held like a rock and I have had no cervical issues. My babies are gonna be little roly poly bunnies. At their last measurements they weighed 4lbs 12oz and 5lbs 5oz. For reference, average singletons weigh 3lbs 10oz at 32 weeks. My blood sugars have been in control so the doctor isn’t concerned that they are chunking up  because of the gestational diabetes. I on the other hand am still 10lbs less than I was when I got pregnant. That’s what happens when you’re still throwing up almost every other day due to acid reflux 😬😬 
My boss has been great and I’ve still been working from home; my last day is July 21 and after that I’ll just be sitting which sounds amazing. I feel like a house and moving isn’t the easiest. So I’ll just sit till I hatch 

It feels good to say everything is done. Bags are packed. Car seats are in. Rooms are prepped. Hospital tour is done. Pediatrician selected. I literally have my nail, hair and wax appointments to make sure I’m not a hairy fuzzy mess and embarrass my husband lol and we are ready!! 

Ok this got really long but I wanted to catch you guys up. Also: here is a pic…because why not. Guess this is me kind of breaking my annonymity? Meh 😊

Gratefulness

It is 3:12 am. I am up at my normal time because my children are having their early AM dance party and I would not change it for the world. I can’t believe this is me. I can’t believe that we made it here. I can’t believe that we are 2 days away from 28 weeks. That we have passed viability; that we are at that magical number where things should be ok. 
That doesn’t mean that the worry goes away. I won’t stop worrying till they are here; till I can hold them and we start the next phase of our journey where I worry because they are no longer with me. Worry because I can’t always keep them safe. Worry because the terrible world that I am bringing them into isn’t kind to little brown girls and little brown boys. 
Tonight though,  I’m not thinking about that. Tonight I’m just grateful. Grateful that He kept me. That He sustained me. That He didn’t allow me to lose my mind. That even when I wanted to give up He didn’t let me because He was building this story and preparing this blessing just for me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t feel equipped for it but I am so thankful for the opportunity to be their mommy. 
So I will sit in the dark every morning for 3-430 and just recount all the ways that God has been so good to me through the tears and the heartache….and I will continue to be grateful. 
Just a few more weeks bunnies. 

All the Updates

23 WEEKS!!!!!!! Y’all.. I think this is happening. *cue excitement*

My excitement has been building. I feel a little more secure but even in saying that feeling anxious. That is the reality of pregnancy after loss; you always have the fear lurking in the background no matter what is going on.  I’ve been alternating between my MFM and regular OB to where I see someone every two weeks. We had our first anatomy ultrasound at 19 weeks and have needed a subsequent appointment because Frick and Frack REFUSED to cooperate. The doctor is finally comfortable that she has seen everything that she needed.  I am going back next Friday at 24 weeks for one last check of the chambers of their hearts. One of the perks of a twin pregnancy is supposed to be all of the ultrasound pics that you get. Meanwhile, I have one set of pics from their 12 week appointment. One. At my OB’s office, the equipment is so substandard that everything that she prints me looks like it was drawn on an etch a sketch. Next week I am HOPING they cooperate so I can get some decent pics for the baby books. Other good news from the ultrasound.. GENDERS!! We found out we are having a boy and a girl :))))))) I literally couldn’t ask for anything more.

That’s all the good news. For the not so great news, this pregnancy has been kicking my ASS. I am officially on modified bed-rest because of something called SPD Symphysis Pubic Dysfunction. The short summary is my pelvis has prepped itself for delivery too early. So in essence it always feels like my groin is ripping apart. This is a common complication with twins supposedly. Walking, getting in and out of the car, rolling over in bed are all TORTUROUS. But again, trying to take it all in stride. Last night I spent half of the night sleeping propped up in the recliner because laying on my sides (like you’re supposed to) makes my hips go numb. Laying on my stomach is a nono and laying on my back is miserable for my heartburn.

Hmm what else? My Sis in Law is having a shower for us in NY on the 20th of this month. My other shower is on the 4th of June. Invites went out this week and my anxiety peaked to an all time high. Next weekend Hubbins wants to do an official social media announcement. I’m excited but there is always that nagging voice that says  “am I setting people up to let them down again?”? Trying my best to quiet that voice.

My MFM and I had a talk this last week about what timing of positive outcomes looks like for the twins. We have mini goals. First goal is 24 weeks. Then 28 weeks. Our ultimate goal is 38 weeks but she is comfortable with 36. I can’t think that far ahead. I’m still going day by day and week by week. It is flying and dragging all at the same time. I think that is all for now. Will update again soon.

Don’t jinx it.

I have sat down to write this post so many times. I have wanted to write so many times. I miss the interaction of my community here. But it has felt like I would be jinxing it ya know? There are good things happening for us and I have been feeling distanced from my blog friends. I follow your stories and feel connected so the least I can do is return the favor by making sure I let you guys know whats up with me.

Work

I started a new job. I love it. I have a lot more autonomy and while the environment is stressful and I started at a time when big changes are critical to the organization’s success it feels good to know that I have this opportunity to prove myself. The previous person in my role set the bar pretty low and so while I have only been here for 3 months, it is already fulfilling to see how I am making a difference. It is a LONG road ahead for us here with quite a few big projects in the near future but even when the days are ridiculously long I leave work feeling fulfilled and it feels good.

Home Life

We are moving…in with my mom. I have mixed feelings. The timing is good and we will need the help soon. Our current lease is up in a month and while we are ALMOST there with our savings to be ready to buy, we aren’t quite where we want to be. So we are going to put our things in storage for a few months (till the end of the year) and go hang with her. She is SOOOOOO excited. I am a little nervous. Our relationship has gotten so much better compared to what it was when I was a teen and it feels a little like backtracking into the unknown. We have had a lot of good conversations about boundaries and I think in these last two years we both have grown and have a mutual shared respect now that may make the transition not as terrible as I think it could be…. I hope.

Babies

Yip. ies. As in two. As in more than one. As of today I am 16 weeks and 6 days pregnant with twins. It has been a whirlwind. I go from periods of forgetting I am pregnant to mind numbing bone chilling nights of anxiety and no sleep where I am sure that I am losing them. I have a new medical team and that has made the transition initially very difficult. I had to advocate for increased care and increased monitoring. As it stands, I have visits every 2 weeks alternating between my MFM and my OB. Both are becoming very understanding but I am starting to feel like the boy who cried wolf. My TAC appears to be doing it’s job. What I think I am annoyed with is because I have it and that is the ‘gold standard’ for losses due to incompetent cervix, they seem very laid back regarding my cervical status. I keep getting told that until I get to 24 weeks there really isn’t anything that can be done (YES, I KNOW,  HAVE BEEN HERE TWICE BEFORE). I guess I just want maybe a little more catering too. you know? I have been fortunate to meet two very understanding and sympathetic nurses in both doctor’s offices and they are great at assuaging my fears when I call freaking out. The honest truth is I hold my breath every two weeks till I can see my babies again. This next week is scary for me. We lost Lucas at 17/2. My mini goal has been to get to 18 weeks and then I can maybe exhale 1/8 of the way. I don’t think I will be at peace until they get here.

This pregnancy has been rough in that symptoms that I have I don’t know if they are due to having twins or if they are really things I should be worrying about. Round ligament pain showed up around week 12 and it has been a doozy. Getting to sleep takes an act of Congress and 4 pillows placed strategically. I keep thinking “what am I gonna do when I get to 24 weeks, or 30?” and then I immediately think “might not make it that far”. Also, I now have a gestational diabetes diagnosis. Gah. My doctor keeps saying that it is due to my higher hormone levels because of two but it feels like just ONE MORE THING to deal with. It is a complete and total up and down and all I can do for my sanity is remind myself that I don’t control any of this.

This got a lot longer than I expected but I was making up for months of not writing.

I have been toying with weekly updates.. but maybe when I get to 18 I will start.. or 20..or 24. Who knows.