Checking in

It has been a while since I’ve posted and that is because I haven’t really known what to say. My HSG is scheduled for this Wednesday so I was planning to post after that. It has been tough y’all. Grieving this second time around has been so different. I hate that I even have to type that but tis what it is. I think when we lost Langston, it caught us off guard and it was easier to accept that this was just a fluke. With Lucas, we worked HARD and still got nothing.  Thursday I think was the first day that I finally started feeling like myself since probably the end of last month. Hubbins and I went to a late dinner and we talked, really talked, about our feelings and how we are literally trying to dig our way out from under this. We spoke about finding happiness in the little things. We are talking about buying a house and have been trying to be frugal but we are going to do little splurges. That means a new phone for him and a professional hair appointment with color for me. It seems simple but we have to be intentional in finding things that make us happy.

Therapy has been good. I guess it is helping just because we are talking things through but it is also bringing up a lot of old issues and I was just feeling like I have no emotions left to give for anything. The first few weeks of this month have been hard and I am DETERMINED not to get back to that place. I am a little nervous about the HSG and my consult with the robotics half of the surgery team is scheduled for the end of this month. I have lost 6 of the 30 pounds that I am supposed to be losing but I’m not really stressing the weight loss. We are joining a new gym and I will be getting a trainer; not even so much for the weight loss but just because my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. I have this tummy issue that kind of just has been hanging around (literally) and I just want to feel like me again; I know that losing weight will be a pleasant side effect. We have two weekend trips planned for this summer so I want to not be walrusy on the beach 🙂

One upside is that I have been reading my Bible a lot more and have been listening to more inspirational music as well as finding various devotionals to read. If you guys have the YouVersion Bible App there is a 7 day devotional on there about dealing with miscarriage that is soooo good. I do feel that if nothing else positive has come from this situation, I feel closer to God. It feels tangible. I talk to Him about being sad and angry and feeling disappointed and every time I get in the car  I hear a song that reminds me that in-spite of what our circumstances look like, He is in control and I just need to cling to that hope and not try to make sense of what my life looks like right now. I won’t say it is easy but I am learning to lean on Him and for that, I am thankful.

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