“Oh for a faith…”

“O, for a faith that will not shrink,
Though pressed by many a foe,
That will not tremble on the brink of poverty or woe.”
~William Bathurst, SDA Hymnal, No. 533

They say: “I admire your faith and the way you seem to just trust God to handle you in this”. They only see pieces of me; the hidden parts, those tell a different story.  They don’t see me falling completely apart when a free sample of Similac shows up at my door with the words ‘Congrats Mom’ on the case. They don’t see the sadness in my eyes as I listen to yet another story of how “we weren’t even trying but guess what?? We’re pregnant “. They don’t hear the quiver in my voice when I respond to someone else saying: “You guys have been married for 3 years??! And no babies yet?? I know you want to focus on your career but time is ticking!!”. I have become a master at concealing and an expert at making quick escapes before the tears fall.

But,

I haven’t given up. Yes, I have gotten angry, sad, angry again, sad some more, bitter and frustrated. I have raged against the God who, after so much time of trying, blessed us with our son and then saw fit to take him away. But I still trust Him. It hurts and I will never claim to understand but my trust doesn’t require me to know the why’s of my life in God’s hands.

Yes, I should have been 8 months pregnant. I should have been preparing for the arrival of our son. I should have never had to experience the trauma of delivering a baby who was too soon for the world. But I won’t blame God. Why? Because there are so many other things in my life that I should have had that He blocked me from. I should have died in that 6 car pileup on my way to work 3 years ago. I should have lost my mind dealing with grief.

But I haven’t.

I’m still here.

I still have faith.

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6 thoughts on ““Oh for a faith…”

  1. I just stared reading your blog so I’m not sure how things are at the present but I am so sorry about your loss. But I wanted to share some scriptures with you; “So listen to me, you men of understanding: It is unthinkable for the true God to act wickedly, For the Almighty to do wrong!” Job 34:10. This shows me that God is not responsible for taking away your child or anyone’s because doing so would be wrong. “Your eyes even saw me as an embryo; All its parts were written in your book Regarding the days when they were formed, Before any of them existed.” Psalms 139:16 Unfortunaly our bodies are imperfect and don’t work they why they were meant to. I will continue to read your blog and I pray you are successful in TTC.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for your loss. Our situations are different, but I’m happy to be a friend along the infertility faith journey. ❤ God bless you.

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  3. I’m so sorry for your loss. Its devastating. I pray you will heal in Gods time with his comfort and He will bless you again with a beautiful baby. Waiting is the hardest part! Have hope even though it seems impossible. Hugs.

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      1. Oh thank you! He is faithful and reading yours is encouraging as well. It’s a hard journey and sometimes we can lose our way but He is faithful for sure. I’m looking forward to following you and seeing what He blesses you with!

        Liked by 1 person

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