Inner Musings

Hubbins and I had a great conversation last night over dinner about how I am feeling. It is weird…we really don’t talk about the baby. I update him on things that are happening with my appointments and he knows when I am nauseous or my chest is on fire from heartburn…but that’s mostly it. This point in our pregnancy last time, we were discussing names and spending every night looking baby clothes on Amazon. Losing a child makes you more jaded and cautious the second time around. So last night, we talked about how we were both feeling. Just as kind of check-in. And it was really good.

He told me he is excited but he is also very cautious. We have a set of couple friends who recently had a baby girl after having multiple miscarriages and he told me after we lost our son he spoke to the husband. The husband told him: “After the first one, I prepared myself to lose a few more. It sounds callous but I couldn’t fall apart every single time because I had to be there for her. Once we crossed the six month mark, then I let myself relax a little and it became more ‘real’ to me”.  So he has said that in his mind, he is taking it each day at a time. Today, we are pregnant. He is happy in that.

I spoke about having mixed feeling still. I am still very cautious and at times I try to ‘not think’ about being pregnant. I have been trying to take a very intellectual approach to this pregnancy and see it in milestones. My next milestone will be my appointment on the 8th. After that, my appointment on the 28th, then my appointment on the 4th. As each of those dates pass. I can breathe a little easier. The reality, however, is we can go through all the milestones. We can make it out of our first trimester, we can make it past 24 weeks, past 37 weeks. We can deliver..and that is not a guarantee that we will bring home a healthy baby. I realized during our talk that from the moment you find out you are pregnant, the worry begins and it does not end until you take your last breath. 5 years from now, I will worry about my child. 18 years from now, I will worry. And those feelings, those are what negate the intellectual part of my thinking because try as hard as I want, I already fiercely love this little speck of a being that I am carrying.

Appointment updates

I apologize again for not having updated in awhile. I have been madly decluttering my house in preparation for the holiday season when I knew there would be an influx of decorations and packages. This weekend, we cleared out a closet that has been packed since we moved in!! That was a big accomplishment for me and I realized I may have slight hoarder tendencies.

This past Wednesday I had back to back appointments with my RE and my OB.

RE Appointment:  I am officially cleared from Dr. C! I was able to see a heartbeat and was able to hold back the tears as there were  a total of 5 people in the room. (RE, Med student, sales/training rep for the new ultrasound machine that they received in the office, MA and myself…just a circus of people as I lay spread apart. The funny thing is: it didn’t bother me. ) After seeing the heartbeat, Dr. C confirmed my estimated due date and was adamant that the OB’s office not change it. Apparently, there is some sort of feudal war between OBs and REs because they date pregnancies different. The OB usually goes with the traditional calculation based on LMP but when a trigger shot is used the RE can date closer as they are able to pinpoint day of conception. When we were pregnant with our son, the OB’s office changed my due date to two weeks later than my RE and when I went to have the anatomy scan at 11 weeks, baby was already measuring too big. Dr. C. said that if they tried to change the date I should email her and she would sort it out.

OB Appointment: This was my first appointment with Dr. H. for this pregnancy and I was really happy to see her. She was outstanding during the delivery of our son and that entire ordeal and her compassion and care made all the difference to our family. When she walked in the room she gave me the biggest hug and told me how happy she was when she saw my name on her schedule.  After some small talk, she said : “Let’s get down to business. Where is your question sheet because I know you have one.” Yes. I had a sheet of typed questions. She remembered that I had shown up to my post D&C consult with one and she was ready for it this time. All of my questions dealt with info about the cerclage (when it would be placed, success rate, views on bedrest, how often cervical length will be checked). She gave me the timeline and answers for all of my questions. Around 11 weeks I am going to go get the NT blood work done (genetic testing). A week later at 12 weeks, I will have my early anatomy scan and the consult with MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine). Based on the results of those two appointments, she is expecting that cerclage will be done between 12 and 13 weeks. She doesn’t want to wait much longer than that as our loss last time was at 13 weeks and 6 days. The timing of the appointments will be slightly skewed earlier/later because that is right around Christmas/New Years. After she answered all my questions, I started to put on my coat and she reminded me that she still had other regular OB things to discuss with me! We spoke about my heartburn and nausea and that she wants me to aim to gain no more than 25lbs with this pregnancy. I left feeling confident in what she can do…more-so than in what my body can do…it’s bad, I know but my body has let me down before. I go back to see her on the 8th when I will be 8 weeks and 2 days. Just waiting in anticipation till then when I can see that little heartbeat again.


Scared to update

I realized today that I haven’t updated on anything that has been going on with this pregnancy. Thinking about it today I realized that I’m scared to update; I still feel like waiting on the other shoe to drop….I don’t think that feeling will go away but Hubbins talked to me today about making sure I enjoy this pregnancy and not spend it in fear. After I get through this holiday weekend, I’ll be back to share current happenings with the little one.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend. Remember: be kind to yourself this holiday season.

You made a way

I heard this song on Sabbath and have been humming it since then. This song speaks to so many phases that we have been through in our life when we didn’t know how we would make it out and God came through and made a way out of NOTHING. A few examples:

—-The time we had back to back car accidents in our family resulting in both cars totaled within a week of each other. This led up to us having to purchase two new vehicles while having two vehicle loans still open. What bank would touch that? God made a way.

—-The time Hubbins lost his job for a period of almost a year. Newly married, facing expenses on one income. What marriage would survive the financial stress that situation brings? God made a way.

—-Losing our son. This has been the hardest. There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind and I had no idea how I would ever feel anything or how I would find the strength to even want to live another day. I didn’t want to give God another chance to prove to me that He could make a way out of the dark pit of grief that I was feeling. God made a way. He is still making a way. There are times I cry and times I feel sad but I am never hopeless.

As I face this current pregnancy, am I worried? Yes. Am I afraid? Yes. But I know a God who specializes in making a way and if He can bring us through all of that, seeing me and our child through this pregnancy is nothing to Him. He can and will make  a way.

In which I emotion all over my Supervisor

*Pretty long post*

I have one Cardinal work rule: don’t cry at work. The moment you cry at work, you will forever be’the girl who cries’. This is sometimes hard because I cry when I’m frustrated and/or overwhelmed. Well yesterday I was the emotional equivalent of a baby seal at work. Tears EVERYWHERE.

It began that morning when I was setting up my instrument for the day. ( I think I have shared on here that I am a Clinical Lab Scientist. Basically, we do all the testing of the blood that comes through the laboratory) So, setting up the instrument involves loading reagents and running quality control  (QC) prior to patient samples being analyzed for the next 24 hour period. I pride myself in being efficient in this process and when issues occur being able to resolve them in a timely manner. Yesterday, my instrument did not want to cooperate with me in meeting this goal. QC problems everywhere. Re-calibrations needed etc. In the middle of this, my lead comes over and says: “You need to go to the staff meeting”. I told her I would prefer to go to one next week as I knew I had a lot of pieces in the air at that time. She grabs the QC sheet from me and says: “tell D what you are doing and go. I’m not arguing with you”. Now usually I would have had a smart answer and that would have been that. Not yesterday. D comes over and I start to endorse my work to her and the whole time my eyes are watering and my voice is shaking. I make my escape before full fledged tears.

Continue reading “In which I emotion all over my Supervisor”

The Fear 

This fear is something new. I live in a place now of constant terror. This weekend I convinced myself three separate times that I was having a miscarriage. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am convinced that this will be the time there is blood. Hubbins told me today that I can’t live like this for 9 months….and you know what my first thought was? We may not get that far. I feel like a terrible person because I can’t dare hope for a normal 40 week pregnancy. In my mind, I can’t think that far ahead. All I can manage is hour by hour and moment by moment.

Due Date

My due date was tomorrow. I have so many emotions but they all just come out as tears. I’m broken. I wanted my son. He was my perfect boy. When the doctor handed him to us I was amazed at how  even with him being that tiny I could see that he had his Daddy’s nose and my cheeks.  I’m shocked I made it to this date. There were days in the time after we lost him that  I considered ending it all because the pain was too much. I feel lonely. Tomorrow, life will go on and besides my husband and I, no one will acknowledge that he was supposed to be here. I can’t explain what it feels like to miss someone that you never really knew. Because that is the truth. I don’t know who my son would have been. And yet, I’m thankful. I’m thankful that God chose me to be his mother for the 14 weeks that he called my body His home. 

I know that one day I will see my boy. One day the angels will present Langston to us and I will recognize him without hesitation…because although we never met, he is my son and I will always be his mother. 

Lab results are in and other thoughts

Yesterday, I got the third set of labs drawn for HCG/Progesterone. Progesterone is at 34 (yay Endometrin) and HCG is at 994!! 🙂

The day after the 2nd draw, y’all remember I was freaking out because I hadn’t gotten results back and/or a call from my doctor’s office. On Tuesday afternoon, I finally called because nothing was posted yet. I spoke to a wonderful nurse named Tracy and she was so understanding. I continually feel like I am doing the most and overreacting and she made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and encouraged me to call whenever I am uncertain about anything because they don’t want me worrying and causing undue stress; it takes a special person to be a nurse at an RE’s office and my office has the best ones 🙂

My placement scan is scheduled for next Wednesday. That’s when we make sure that the pregnancy has implanted in my uterus and not hanging out anywhere else. I don’t know what they see this early. I don’t remember from last time.

I should probably make this a separate post but.. laziness.

I don’t know how to move forward with my posts on here and tags and such. Let me explain: I feel guilty posting with some of the tags that I have been using such as “Miscarriage”. I don’t want to be a trigger for anyone with updates about this current pregnancy…but I feel like everything about this new pregnancy is colored by losing our son and there will be feelings about that interspersed with info about current things. I have been helped so much by the support that I have received from all your comments and knowing that my feelings are not alien. Please, take care of yourself. If you are one of my current followers and the posts are too much and you un-follow, I understand. If you come across a pregnancy post that is too much and need to write stern words, I understand that too.

Sorry this post diverged into lots of random things.. thanks for making it this far.

Still waiting 

I’m convinced that my doctor’s office likes to mess with my mind. ANY other time within mere hours (6 max) I get my email saying “you have new results listed in your chart”. Not this time. This time I have been a bundle of nerves waiting for my 2nd Hcg and Progesterone result since 4:49pm yesterday afternoon. Did they lose the sample? Did my numbers drop and they are afraid to tell me? My rational brain tells me that it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet. My crazy post loss OMG everything can go wrong and nothing is guaranteed brain tells me that something is horribly wrong. My faith brain tells me just be patient that if I can’t trust God with this little part of the whole process I’m not gonna make it through 9 months. Crazy brain is winning. 

The Gift

The last few days I have been a jumble of emotions over an unexpected gift that I received. A friend of mine (let’s call her M) messaged me on Wednesday and said that she had a poem that she had written for our son that she wanted to give to Hubbins and I. Some history: M and I have spoken briefly about my loss. She has always been a very supportive friend however more emotive than I. I am a functioning introvert who also has anxiety issues; I don’t really spew feelings readily as no matter how close I think we are I always have a fear of ‘what people will think about me’. Hubbins always knows what I’m feeling but outside of him, I don’t divulge feelings easily. One of the reasons this blog has been so therapeutic is because I can ‘talk’ to all of you all and not worry about what you think because you don’t know me *smile* M is the opposite; emotions come easily to her and there is part of me that feels like I have to ‘overshare’ when we talk about the loss of my son because she wants so much to ‘ be there for me’. Additionally, M has two children both of whom conceived with the ease of changing socks; the feelings there are ones that I am not proud of.

Back to Wednesday, after I received her message and she asked if she could drop off the poem, I asked her if she could mail it as I knew with my son’s birthdate drawing closer I have mentally and emotionally been in a rough place. Thursday evening, I got a message asking if I was home and I said yes. A few minutes later there was a knock at my door and when I opened the door there was  a gift bag with a frame. I immediately felt angry and sad at the same time. Angry because I felt like my wishes hadn’t been taken into consideration and now this gift was in my house where I would have to see it even if I didn’t open it. Sad because I felt ashamed of how I was feeling because knowing that she means well. I sent a text saying thank you and cautioned that I didn’t’ know when The bag remained unopened till the next day when I asked Hubbins to look at it first and I steeled myself for looking at it. He really loved it and said how thankful he was for the expression. I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever.

He brought the frame over and it was an acrostic with the letters of our son’s name in different parts of each line of the poem. The poem speaks to how we know that we will see him again someday and that he was sorry that he didn’t get to spend time with us here on Earth. The tears began immediately and I silently let them fall. Mixed feelings. Part of me felt angry; our son was OUR’s. Our pain is our’s alone and I feel like someone who has never experienced the loss of a child doesn’t get to have a part in our grieving process. Even as I type this I realize that those emotions are selfish and sound a little self righteous. I also expressed to Hubbins that I felt like I was once again being forced to deal with emotions (which I have honestly been trying to keep at bay) ‘on demand’ because someone needed so much to share something with me.

Today though, now that the initial feelings have had time to cool off, I am thankful. One of my biggest regrets with our son is that aside from the pictures that we took of him in the hospital and our hospital bands, we don’t have anything that represents him. As he was not born ‘alive’, we don’t have a birth certificate or hand-prints or footprints or any of the things that represent that I had a baby. It feels like he isn’t acknowledged as being born. I had a ‘miscarriage’. That is in quotes because, for me, it takes away the fact that I delivered our boy. I went through labor. It was a 2 day process of labor at the end of which my boy was born. I had nothing to take away. And now I have something with his name…and for that I am thankful.