I have been slacking on posting. We went on our cruise and it was AMAZING. Exactly what we needed. I was due to test on Thanksgiving day; it was negative.
Currently on cycle day 4. Had to scramble for my Letrozole prescription because we are still in Florida and I wasn’t prepared. So we will see what this month brings. Looks like I should be testing again on Christmas Eve. Sigh. I hope you guys all had a Happy Thanksgiving.
Know what happens when you haven’t had a cycle in almost 3 months and your first cycle you start your Letrozole amidst what feels like your uterus being forcefully ripped out and your whole life being drained out of you? You ugly cry when you get home and find out your husband ate the last of the ice cream. Big sobbing gulping tears.
Two more days of Femara then hopefully I won’t be big gaping sore of feel all the things.
*I understand that this is all dramatic as hell –insert shrug here–*
Just got back from my scan. We have one follicle…one. I will admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the increased meds would lead to more follicles but my RE said: “all I (yes I lol) need is one to make you a healthy baby”. It is a good sized follicle at 22mm so I’m going to trigger today and start progesterone on Saturday and then sit and wait.
It is 1:21 am and in a few hours I go in for my CD10 ultrasound. This is my first month on the increased Femara dose and I’m a little nervous. The first month, I had 3 good sized follicles (all between 17-22mm) by day 13 and nothing happened. Last month, I had one super follicle (20mm) on day 10 that I personally think was a fluke. Today I find out what my body has been doing with the new increased dose. The headaches are finally seeming to taper off and for that I’m thankful. The hardest part heading into a ‘new month’ is the fact that I don’t really have control over how my body responds. I could go in and have 2 follicles or I could have 7 (exaggerated) but there is nothing that I can really do to determine that.
I have always been a control freak. I over plan, over analyze and over organize. This journey to baby allows me to do none of those things and I am trying to be OK with that. Honestly, I don’t have any feelings either way about today’s scan. Part of the way I emotionally protect myself is that I don’t want to get too optimistic. I fell apart last month when we had a negative test and I can’t do that every month till our rainbow. So we will see what God has in store for us this time around.
Cycle Day 2.
A new month.
A new chance.
*I read the tittle in my Super Mario voice, I’m trying to be in a happier place*
Today I will start my Femara for the next 5 days. This will be my first month on an increased dose of 7.5mg as my RE wants to prompt, in her words, a “more robust response”. *As I have a vivid imagination, I pictured my ovaries as lumberjacks in red and black jackets…robust right?* Last month, I had one follicle measuring 20 and one measuring an 8 and while we triggered via the Ovidrel, I was skeptical about that 8. Dr. C did warn me that with increasing the Femara we slightly increased the risk of multiples which for me is quite risky due to my
lazy, do nothing incompetent cervix. We will cross that bridge when we reach it.
Step 1. Get pregnant.
Step 2. Profit *If you get this South Park reference, you are awesome*
So it looks like a big fat negative for this month.
I started spotting on Sunday and although I knew that this was a possible side effect of the Endometrin (progesterone suppository) I needed to know that that was all it was. I asked Hubbins to take me to the pharmacy to get the test and while I was a little nervous I was more so excited because I just KNEW that this was the month and that I was pregnant…and then I didn’t see the second line. And the tears came. We had done everything right this month: had the sects when we were supposed to, I took my meds faithfully, started my prenatal, abstained from caffeine and alcohol, ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND STILL NOTHING.
For the rest of the night, I just lay on the couch on his lap and cried silently. He was so strong for me but I couldn’t be strong last night. I am just tired. I know that compared to others, our journey has been relatively short and there is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting so badly to have another baby because it feels like I haven’t taken the right amount of time to grieve for our son. I feel defective and insufficient. I’ll test again on Wednesday just because that was the actual date that I was due to do it. I know there is a lesson in this all and I know that God will reveal it in time but for today, I’m just empty and sad.
I think I’ve been doing pretty OK in this month’s two week wait. I have been doing my best not to think about it. Starting this blog has helped as I have been spending time reading all of your stories and writing. Now it’s Sunday though…and I’m nervous.
I think this month is harder because I test exactly 5 months to the day of losing our boy and one month before what would have been his due date. Hubbins and I been reflecting recently on some of the things we have learned and different facets of how we have both
dealt are dealing with our loss.
We will see what happens. God is faithful and His timing is perfect.
Sight beyond what I see
You know what’s best for me
Prepare my mind, prepare my heart
For whatever comes, I’m gone’ be ready
~Yolanda Adams, I’m Gonna be Ready