So surgery is done. The last “thing” that I can do to increase my chances for carrying a baby to term has been done. How do I feel? Apathetic. That’s a good word. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because it is a blessing that I found a doctor, got approval from insurance and had a complication free procedure. But I honestly don’t feel anything yet.
One of my coworkers, was saying how excited she is for me to start trying again. Am I hopeful? Sure. Excited? Nah. I’ve been excited before and shit all came from it. It feels now like I’m gathering strength for the next phase. My RE appointment is scheduled for September 7th. The cycle of shots and pills and timed sects takes strength and I’m just gearing back up to jump into that again.
But if I can be totally honest, and I know this goes against the ‘speak positivism into the atmosphere’usual stance, I feel like I’m setting myself up. Like it will all be for nothing. I know that is doubt talking and I recognize that. But I feel like having a transparent journey as a Christian requires us to show that it isn’t always positive and strong. Sometimes I am scared. Sometimes, I don’t know if I can do anymore. Sometimes, my faith wavers. So for now, I’ll take tomorrow, head to the beach, think about my boys and then get ready for this next step in the journey.
faithhopefear 
It’s going to be hard. When I start trying again after Ethan, I was pissed. I was really pissed off. Because just like you, my thought was, ‘I shouldn’t have to do this. I should be nursing a newborn. I should be at Target getting some more diapers. I should be sleep-deprived because I was up all night with him.’
We started trying again after three months and close to his due date. In hindsight, we probably should’ve just rested that year for I ended up pregnant with Bear a year later.
Anyway, you’re going to feel those emotions and honestly, you’ll probably have them for the rest of your life. Whenever you hear about someone having a worry-free, carefree pregnancy, you’re going to be happy and a bit resentful. Whenever you hear about someone getting pregnant without trying, you’re going to be jealous. You’re going to have all of those emotions in some form. They might creep up on you or they might sock you in the face. How you deal with them makes the difference.
Right now, a part of you is still angry because you had to do this. It might seem like apathy but really, it’s a smoldering anger. Come later this year, you’ll be more excited. Just let all those emotions go through you because once again, when you’re pregnant with your rainbow, it’s going to be a tough emotional ride but you’ll get through it, sis.
Thinking of you and Lucas today. Give my love to Hubbins.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You always know exactly what I’m feeling. Exactly. 😘
LikeLike
You have every right to not be full of positivity. I am continuously amazed at your strength. I hope tomorrow being at the beach will offer you a tiny bit of distraction and comfort.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This beach day has been the best thing I could have done. I needed the time alone with my thoughts. My boys have changed me; I’m stronger. And no matter what happens next, I can do it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wishing you the best!
LikeLiked by 1 person