Quick update

I went in for my Day 10 US on Saturday. Not much to report. Right ovary has 2 follicles at 11 mm each and left ovary is lazily spinning in circles doing nothing lol. I go back tomorrow for another US. Hubbins is due to head to NY this weekend and I wasn’t initially planning to go but now I may have to in order to have all the sects. Will update when I know more 🙂

 

Feel all the things. 

Know what happens when you haven’t had a cycle in almost 3 months and your first cycle you start your Letrozole amidst what feels like your uterus being forcefully ripped out and your whole life being drained out of you? You ugly cry when you get home and find out your husband ate the last of the ice cream. Big sobbing gulping tears. 

Two more days of Femara then hopefully I won’t be big gaping sore of feel all the things. 

*I understand that this is all dramatic as hell –insert shrug here–*

Cycle Day 1!

Cycle Day 1!!!!!!

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I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to see my cycle begin. I was grinning like a fool in the bathroom. (The fertility process makes you crazy…mark my words.)My last day of Provera was on the 19th so I have been stalking my cycle ever since. Let’s get this show on the road! I start the Letrozole tomorrow; 7.5 mg for 5 days and I go in for my Day 10 monitoring US next Saturday on the 5th.

 

Progesterone Week

Progesterone Week

I am scatterbrained.

I just realized I didn’t update after the ultrasound last Wednesday. #Fail

So, as suspected, I needed to do a round of Progesterone to jump start things. I haven’t had a full cycle since….August maybe? I am so ready for my period. I feel…heavy/full. Ick. (Yeah that’s probably TMI and gross but that’s what we do here in the land of infertility and loss; you lose your filter…not that I ever had one, but I digress.)

Anyhow, I am currently on day 6 of my prescribed 7 day cycle  of medroxyprogesterone and then I should expect my cycle to start. Then we start Letrozole.

I would like this all to be timed perfectly so that my day 10-14 monitoring happens before we leave for the cruise on the 19th of November, but when has my body ever done what I asked it to? *smile*

Happy Waiting 🙂

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Screening US scheduled

This Wednesday, we have our next screening US. I still haven’t had a cycle since the one at the end of August so my RE thinks I haven’t ovulated. Spotting has been on and off…. that is about as fun as it sounds. .______. I am going in on Wednesday to do an US and possibly start my Letrozole for this month. I am nervous – not in a scared kind of way. Nervous in…anticipation? It feels like I am gearing up for a race…not that I have ever run a race but you know what I mean lol. I’m excited to see what comes next for us. I have been eating better and trying to get my general life in order. So here we go!!

All systems are go

Last week I saw both my RE and my OB/GYN. The RE was because I had no idea where I was in my cycle (spotting is fun.. YAY PCOS) and my OB/GYN to get a regular well woman check up as I haven’t seen anyone since surgery followup. I also wanted to talk to them both about our upcoming cruise in November in light of the Zika virus. They both said the same thing: you go nowhere if you are pregnant. If I’m not pregnant, the plan is to be cautious.. overly cautious…marinating in DEET cautious. Both feel like since it is a cruise and we aren’t staying on the island for an extended period of time they feel comfortable with us both travelling. I got my lab results back which show I haven’t ovulated this month so Dr. C (RE) said I could technically start Femara/Ovidrel this month. We have decided to hold off until October. We both need this cruise. NEED. One more month of waiting isn’t going to change much. I am looking forward to getting away and coming back refreshed and ready for this next leg of the journey.

What have your doctors been saying about Zika? My doctor’s both seem pretty laid back as I’m not pregnant.

Starting Over Again

It seems fitting that on the one year anniversary of this blog, I go back to my RE today. Yup y’all.  We are starting again. I have been away for sometime. Gathering strength for the journey I guess? How do I feel? Today.. fortified. I’m ready. This weekend, I had a meltdown. It was the first in awhile and I COULD NOT STOP CRYING. A few hours later, I was all right. I think that is what this grief journey looks like for me. And I think it is a good place to be. I won’t ever ‘get over’ my Langston and Lucas. Some days will be hard. That is expected. But most of the days are good and I feel….optimistic? Hopeful is a strong word so I don’t think I’m at hopeful yet. But optimistic is good. I had my TAC. I waited. I have started working (yet AGAIN) on eating healthy and getting regular exercise. I have done my part to prepare to give any future babies the best chance that they can have at staying in and baking for as long as they need to. And above all, I trust God. Sometimes I catch myself planning timing and what happens with work and what happens with buying a house and and and and and I stop myself. I have worried through fertility treatments and pregnancies and it got me nowhere other than worked up. So this time, I’m going to try trust. Wholehearted. Unashamed. Nonsensical (at times) trust. I trust God. I gotta say it till it becomes second nature but till then when I am tempted to doubt, remind myself of the verse below. He has a plan. I just have to be brave enough to stick around to see what it is. So here we go!!!!!

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Random thoughts about what’s next

So surgery is done. The last “thing” that I can do to increase my chances for carrying a baby to term has been done. How do I feel? Apathetic. That’s a good word. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because it is a blessing that I found a doctor, got approval from insurance and had a complication free procedure. But I honestly don’t feel anything yet.

One of my coworkers, was saying how excited she is for me to start trying again. Am I hopeful? Sure. Excited? Nah. I’ve been excited before and shit all came from it. It feels now like I’m gathering strength for the next phase. My RE appointment is scheduled for September 7th. The cycle of shots and pills and timed sects takes strength and I’m just gearing back up to jump into that again.

But if I can be totally honest, and I know this goes against the ‘speak positivism into the atmosphere’usual stance, I feel like I’m setting myself up. Like it will all be for nothing. I know that is doubt talking and I recognize that. But I feel like having a transparent journey as a Christian requires us to show that it isn’t always positive and strong. Sometimes I am scared. Sometimes, I don’t know if I can do anymore. Sometimes, my faith wavers. So for now, I’ll take tomorrow, head to the beach, think about my boys and then get ready for this next step in the journey.

NT Scan and MFM Consult

I went in for the 2nd part of my NT scan today. Usually, the blood work and the ultrasound are done at the same visit but since they wanted to try to speed things along for me as we are approaching 13 weeks, I had the finger stick done last Monday and the ultrasound today.

Like I told you guys, my anxiety had been building about this appointment simply because it was going to be the first time seeing Nugget since the 16th of December. My appointment was at 3 pm and I got there around 2:45. Now for this ultrasound they tell you show up with a full bladder because it helps get a better picture for the tech. I showed up ready to burst because I am nothing if not an extremist…. and the staff let me know that they were running late. Apparently, babies don’t care that each appointment is scheduled for 30 minutes and they do what they want when they are good and ready. As such, I didn’t get called back till 3:40. Surprisingly, I wasn’t upset. Other than feeling like a balloon, I was comfortable. The staff was very good at updating me every 15 minutes regarding how many people were ahead of me.

Once I got back, the fun began. During the NT scan, they need to accomplish three things: 1. Measure the baby from crown to rump 2. Measure a fold at the back of the baby’s neck 3. Confirm the presence of the nasal bone. Nugget was fine with 1 and 2. Item 3 took a total of an hour and a half, 3 ultrasound techs and the doctor to accomplish. Baby was doing flips, potential handstands, covering their face, mooning the tech, EVERYTHING except presenting the profile view that was needed. FINALLY, the 3rd tech, who happened to be the Lead Sonographer, with much pressure and maneuvering was able to get a profile pic and we were done. All looks well. Measurements are within range. These measurements were then placed in the computer along with blood work results and used to calculate risks for Trisomy 13, 18 and 21. All of my numbers show a risk of 1 in 100,000 or greater!!! Hooray!

While all these games of hide and go seek were going on, I had plenty of time to speak with Dr. N who is the High Risk OB regarding her suggestions/recommendations regarding a cerclage. At this appointment my cervix was closed and measures 4.10cm. This is a great number and she said she sees no signs of incompetent cervix because usually when they ask you to bear down and you have IC, you should see the cervix opening and they didn’t see that. However, she did say that she could go either way on the cerclage and it really is up to me and how I feel. She will be doing biweekly cervical length measurements through week 32. I did tell her that I felt I wanted to do it because with losing our son, there was no warning; I had actually had an ultrasound done the afternoon that my water broke and everything had looked fine. While I understand the risks associated with surgery,  I would never be able to forgive myself for not doing everything preventative in my power to keep my baby. Dr. N. wholeheartedly agreed and stated that she would prefer to place it now while I have plenty cervix to work with vs. waiting till it shortens and attempting an emergent cerclage.

At the end of my appointment, I made all my biweekly appointments for cervical length and growth checks through the end of my pregnancy.Yes, it did cause anxiety to be planning that far ahead but I also felt hopeful because I know that she is taking my concerns very seriously. The next step today is the consult with my primary OB Dr. H where we will discuss the visit yesterday and decide how to proceed. It is quite possible that I will be having a procedure in the next few days *gasp*

This was a longer post than expected. Sorry guys. But I figure I have been lax in journaling so this blog serves dual purpose. I may just print these out and keep them in my baby journal.  I’ll post again once I know what is happening after I meet with Dr. H. today.
Baby dust to all 🙂

 

Jumping all in

I made a decision today. Well actually, a few days ago..but it’s not official official till I share it here 🙂

I’m all in.

I have been trying to ‘not get too attached’ (yes that sounds horrible and I feel bad for even typing it) to this pregnancy. I am following all my doctor’s orders and doing all the right things but in the meantime, I haven’t been allowing my self to dream. To hope. To think about anything after today. To plan names. To pull out the pregnancy journal that I finally got the courage to buy. I haven’t done any of those things and I told myself it was because I was ‘shielding my heart’ from the ‘what ifs’.

I know I have blogged about this in the past and while I can’t remember who said it where, I do remember that one of you guys, my blog sisters, my ‘this journey is shitty but here we are’ companions said something like: “cherish every moment. Embrace the memories. Log all the things. God forbid, if something is to happen, you not cherishing the time you have will not change the outcome…it will just lead you to regret not having the memories that you could have because you spent your time planning for the future without enjoying what you have in the right now”. This sentiment has been echoed by a new found sister friend that was gifted to me via the TTC mug exchange. (Seriously, do this next year guys, it is so fun. My new girlfriend and I text all day lol)

As such, I’m going to be starting weekly (symptoms, appropriate fruit size comparisons) update posts on Baby Nugget. I will be borrowing my format from Caroline God’s Time, God’s Plan because I look forward to her updates 🙂

I want to say again that I understand if the weekly posts are a lot for some of you guys and there will be no hard feelings if you need to unfollow; I will understand. Self care above all else.