I have been slacking on my writing. It feels like since we haven’t started treatment again (I’m going in for my screening US on the 12th), I don’t know what to write about. Today I stumbled upon JenJen06’s post about Carly Marie’s Capture Your Grief project for October and it was just what I needed. It is more of a photo project I think but I am going to write with it. The photo I will share on social media probably but as this is still largely anonymous,my other thoughts will go here. I like the idea of “mindful healing”. Sometimes it is easy to just ‘move’ through our grief; the bad days are bad and the rest of the days we just make it. I want to continue to heal. I want to honor the memory of my sons; I need to be whole for my future children.
Check out the link below and join me if you are interested!!
Capture Your Grief 2016
I got a notification that today was my one year anniversary on WordPress. Wow!! It simultaneously feels like an lifetime and an instant. So much has happened in that year. I remember when I first got here. I was so… heavy. I needed a way to escape the feeling of having lost Langston. Writing seemed like a good outlet. So I tentatively made that first post not knowing where it would go, if anyone would see it or if anyone would care. I found out I was wrong. What I found here was a community that I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams existed. Here I found acceptance and understanding. Here I didn’t have to be ashamed of my grief or guilt or jealousy or anger or the dark thoughts that came when I said I was ‘OK’.
I have developed friendships here that have helped me in this last year. When I got pregnant with Lucas my sisters here rejoiced with me. They held their breaths through every ultrasound, prayed through every sleepless night, helped me laugh when I was being cynical and cried with me when the anxiety threatened to overwhelm. And when the unthinkable happened, when we lost yet another son, my sisters grieved with me. Across miles, they held me in their hearts. They ranted and screamed and cried to a God who would do this again…..and then, little by little, we healed and accepted and returned to that same God who always restores. I know that I couldn’t have made it this last year without my community here. Thank you for taking me in when I was broken and for starting the healing process. Thank you for allowing me to glimpse your sorrow, your anger, your frustration but most importantly, your hope. Here’s to many more years.
I need to finish this baby blanket. I had told myself that I would finish it by Lucas’s due date on July 15th…and that date has come and gone and still I haven’t made any more progress on it since the Thursday before my water broke.
Oh, I’ve picked it up a few times and started working on a square, only to put it away within a few minutes. I can’t explain it. I feel like I’m at the place in my grief process where I can only deal in facts. My therapist loved to tell me “feelings are not facts” so now it feels safe to only operate based on facts. And the fact is, I don’t have a baby to make this blanket for. Yes, there is hope there, that one day I will have a little one who will use this blanket and I can tell them one day about their siblings. Right now though, the reality of where I am kind of keeps me grounded. I’ll be pregnant again, I’m sure…and when that happens, I will pick up this blanket again and it will keep me hopeful. Hopeful that this time will be time it gets finished . Hopeful that this time it will get used.
Today, my 2nd son was due to be born.
I spent the day in the sun. In the ocean. By myself. It was exactly what I needed. I cried a few times but they were tears of….acceptance? I have two sons. My life has changed in the last year and a half in ways I would have never expected. I am stronger. I am strong. I will never forget my sons. I am their mother and the lessons that I have learned loving them have made me stronger.
I miss you sweet boy. I’ll see you someday soon.
So surgery is done. The last “thing” that I can do to increase my chances for carrying a baby to term has been done. How do I feel? Apathetic. That’s a good word. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way because it is a blessing that I found a doctor, got approval from insurance and had a complication free procedure. But I honestly don’t feel anything yet.
One of my coworkers, was saying how excited she is for me to start trying again. Am I hopeful? Sure. Excited? Nah. I’ve been excited before and shit all came from it. It feels now like I’m gathering strength for the next phase. My RE appointment is scheduled for September 7th. The cycle of shots and pills and timed sects takes strength and I’m just gearing back up to jump into that again.
But if I can be totally honest, and I know this goes against the ‘speak positivism into the atmosphere’usual stance, I feel like I’m setting myself up. Like it will all be for nothing. I know that is doubt talking and I recognize that. But I feel like having a transparent journey as a Christian requires us to show that it isn’t always positive and strong. Sometimes I am scared. Sometimes, I don’t know if I can do anymore. Sometimes, my faith wavers. So for now, I’ll take tomorrow, head to the beach, think about my boys and then get ready for this next step in the journey.
I have been MIA. Well not really, I’ve been lurking in the background, liking posts here and there but I haven’t really been in the mood to post. I do need to write my surgery post; maybe that will happen today. Recovery has been more mentally hard than physically but that is for another post.
I think I haven’t written because I don’t know what to say. Yes, surgery went well and I should be happy for another chance to carry a child successfully…but I’ve been optimistic in the past and it has gotten me nowhere and nothing more than another hole in my heart. Also, I don’t like the person I am sometimes when I read posts on here. Being totally honest, I am jealous. Jealous. Envious. Angry. Guilty. Why Not Me syndrome is dangerous and I am not proud of it. It is a vicious cycle of longing for what other people have and then feeling guilty for not being able to put aside my longing far away enough to just be genuinely happy for everyone. I don’t always like the version of me that losing my sons has made me into. But I am trying to be better..sometimes that just looks like being numb and knowing that I can’t react or interact. But I miss the outlet that writing is, so I’m slowly making my way back.
I don’t remember who posted about this but I remember someone talking about “silent goodbyes” in social media groups and how when you announce that you’re leaving everyone else behind it is salt in the wound. Well I’m feeling like that today. I am part of a group for moms of loss as well as those struggling with infertility. I’ve noticed a pattern and it GRINDS MY GEARS. There is one lady who has been trying for about a year after an early loss. The last 8-9 months we have all supported her monthly and even DAILY when she posted. Assuaging her fears. Cheering her on. Comforting her when she was feeling doubt. Being excited during the 2ww. She recently found out she was pregnant about 9 weeks ago. Since then she pops in every few weeks to update us on how her life is now usually with the flippant “sorry guys, being pregnant has me wiped out, I used to have so much more time to post on here” and it pisses me off!!!! We have held your hand and forgotten about our own situations temporarily and now you just traipse back in here ever so often to update us on your fabulous pregnancy. I think today it got to me because one of the members had a loss a week ago and here she comes with “I’ll probably be leaving this group soon because I joined another one”. I am not begrudging this woman her happiness; I just want her to be better and somehow remember a few short months ago when she was in our place and the support that everyone gave her. Ok I’m done.