Don’t jinx it.

I have sat down to write this post so many times. I have wanted to write so many times. I miss the interaction of my community here. But it has felt like I would be jinxing it ya know? There are good things happening for us and I have been feeling distanced from my blog friends. I follow your stories and feel connected so the least I can do is return the favor by making sure I let you guys know whats up with me.

Work

I started a new job. I love it. I have a lot more autonomy and while the environment is stressful and I started at a time when big changes are critical to the organization’s success it feels good to know that I have this opportunity to prove myself. The previous person in my role set the bar pretty low and so while I have only been here for 3 months, it is already fulfilling to see how I am making a difference. It is a LONG road ahead for us here with quite a few big projects in the near future but even when the days are ridiculously long I leave work feeling fulfilled and it feels good.

Home Life

We are moving…in with my mom. I have mixed feelings. The timing is good and we will need the help soon. Our current lease is up in a month and while we are ALMOST there with our savings to be ready to buy, we aren’t quite where we want to be. So we are going to put our things in storage for a few months (till the end of the year) and go hang with her. She is SOOOOOO excited. I am a little nervous. Our relationship has gotten so much better compared to what it was when I was a teen and it feels a little like backtracking into the unknown. We have had a lot of good conversations about boundaries and I think in these last two years we both have grown and have a mutual shared respect now that may make the transition not as terrible as I think it could be…. I hope.

Babies

Yip. ies. As in two. As in more than one. As of today I am 16 weeks and 6 days pregnant with twins. It has been a whirlwind. I go from periods of forgetting I am pregnant to mind numbing bone chilling nights of anxiety and no sleep where I am sure that I am losing them. I have a new medical team and that has made the transition initially very difficult. I had to advocate for increased care and increased monitoring. As it stands, I have visits every 2 weeks alternating between my MFM and my OB. Both are becoming very understanding but I am starting to feel like the boy who cried wolf. My TAC appears to be doing it’s job. What I think I am annoyed with is because I have it and that is the ‘gold standard’ for losses due to incompetent cervix, they seem very laid back regarding my cervical status. I keep getting told that until I get to 24 weeks there really isn’t anything that can be done (YES, I KNOW,  HAVE BEEN HERE TWICE BEFORE). I guess I just want maybe a little more catering too. you know? I have been fortunate to meet two very understanding and sympathetic nurses in both doctor’s offices and they are great at assuaging my fears when I call freaking out. The honest truth is I hold my breath every two weeks till I can see my babies again. This next week is scary for me. We lost Lucas at 17/2. My mini goal has been to get to 18 weeks and then I can maybe exhale 1/8 of the way. I don’t think I will be at peace until they get here.

This pregnancy has been rough in that symptoms that I have I don’t know if they are due to having twins or if they are really things I should be worrying about. Round ligament pain showed up around week 12 and it has been a doozy. Getting to sleep takes an act of Congress and 4 pillows placed strategically. I keep thinking “what am I gonna do when I get to 24 weeks, or 30?” and then I immediately think “might not make it that far”. Also, I now have a gestational diabetes diagnosis. Gah. My doctor keeps saying that it is due to my higher hormone levels because of two but it feels like just ONE MORE THING to deal with. It is a complete and total up and down and all I can do for my sanity is remind myself that I don’t control any of this.

This got a lot longer than I expected but I was making up for months of not writing.

I have been toying with weekly updates.. but maybe when I get to 18 I will start.. or 20..or 24. Who knows.

 

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Time to write again

Soon.

Life has been a whirlwind. New job. New responsibilities. New schedule. New medical team (Insert angry frustrated face here). New pregnancy. (Insert nail biting here) 

So I guess Happy New Year??

Details on everything will come later. 

I miss you guys. 

December 

I have mixed feelings. On one hand: I love Christmas. I always have. I am that girl who wants to keep the tree up till February and I have been playing Christmas music since mid-November. 

On the other hand: last Christmas, we sat next to our tree and talked about the baby I was carrying who would be due in June. We told close friends on Christmas. We told my mom in yet another cute reveal. And here we are again: no baby’s first Christmas ornaments. No cute family pajamas. No family photo shoot Christmas cards. Just us. 

New month. 

I have been slacking on posting. We went on our cruise and it was AMAZING. Exactly what we needed. I was due to test on Thanksgiving day; it was negative. 

Currently on cycle day 4. Had to scramble for my Letrozole prescription because we are still in Florida and I wasn’t prepared. So we will see what this month brings. Looks like I should be testing again on Christmas Eve. Sigh. I hope you guys all had a Happy Thanksgiving. 

Be at peace 

I am sick to my stomach. I have  been as I watched election results all night. The tears started this morning around 5am. This is a slap in the face of everything I am. An African American . A woman. An immigrant. The people of this country have waited 8 years to show their true colors and it hurts. I started reconsidering everything and all decisions. Do I change jobs now? Do I continue to try to have a child? 

As I was laying in bed, my mom sent me this devotional for today. I have this devotional. It is entitled “Jesus Calling”. 
It was exactly what I needed to see. I can’t worry myself to a better outcome. My God STILL sits on the throne and THAT is ALL I have to lean on. Be at peace today my friends. After my appointment, I’m going back home and cocooning myself in my apartment. Self care is necessary today. If you need to, log off. Disconnect. Fortify yourself for whatever the future holds. And as my pastor says: “We know how this story ends, so live in victory.”

Quick update

I went in for my Day 10 US on Saturday. Not much to report. Right ovary has 2 follicles at 11 mm each and left ovary is lazily spinning in circles doing nothing lol. I go back tomorrow for another US. Hubbins is due to head to NY this weekend and I wasn’t initially planning to go but now I may have to in order to have all the sects. Will update when I know more 🙂

 

Feel all the things. 

Know what happens when you haven’t had a cycle in almost 3 months and your first cycle you start your Letrozole amidst what feels like your uterus being forcefully ripped out and your whole life being drained out of you? You ugly cry when you get home and find out your husband ate the last of the ice cream. Big sobbing gulping tears. 

Two more days of Femara then hopefully I won’t be big gaping sore of feel all the things. 

*I understand that this is all dramatic as hell –insert shrug here–*