Don’t jinx it.

I have sat down to write this post so many times. I have wanted to write so many times. I miss the interaction of my community here. But it has felt like I would be jinxing it ya know? There are good things happening for us and I have been feeling distanced from my blog friends. I follow your stories and feel connected so the least I can do is return the favor by making sure I let you guys know whats up with me.

Work

I started a new job. I love it. I have a lot more autonomy and while the environment is stressful and I started at a time when big changes are critical to the organization’s success it feels good to know that I have this opportunity to prove myself. The previous person in my role set the bar pretty low and so while I have only been here for 3 months, it is already fulfilling to see how I am making a difference. It is a LONG road ahead for us here with quite a few big projects in the near future but even when the days are ridiculously long I leave work feeling fulfilled and it feels good.

Home Life

We are moving…in with my mom. I have mixed feelings. The timing is good and we will need the help soon. Our current lease is up in a month and while we are ALMOST there with our savings to be ready to buy, we aren’t quite where we want to be. So we are going to put our things in storage for a few months (till the end of the year) and go hang with her. She is SOOOOOO excited. I am a little nervous. Our relationship has gotten so much better compared to what it was when I was a teen and it feels a little like backtracking into the unknown. We have had a lot of good conversations about boundaries and I think in these last two years we both have grown and have a mutual shared respect now that may make the transition not as terrible as I think it could be…. I hope.

Babies

Yip. ies. As in two. As in more than one. As of today I am 16 weeks and 6 days pregnant with twins. It has been a whirlwind. I go from periods of forgetting I am pregnant to mind numbing bone chilling nights of anxiety and no sleep where I am sure that I am losing them. I have a new medical team and that has made the transition initially very difficult. I had to advocate for increased care and increased monitoring. As it stands, I have visits every 2 weeks alternating between my MFM and my OB. Both are becoming very understanding but I am starting to feel like the boy who cried wolf. My TAC appears to be doing it’s job. What I think I am annoyed with is because I have it and that is the ‘gold standard’ for losses due to incompetent cervix, they seem very laid back regarding my cervical status. I keep getting told that until I get to 24 weeks there really isn’t anything that can be done (YES, I KNOW,  HAVE BEEN HERE TWICE BEFORE). I guess I just want maybe a little more catering too. you know? I have been fortunate to meet two very understanding and sympathetic nurses in both doctor’s offices and they are great at assuaging my fears when I call freaking out. The honest truth is I hold my breath every two weeks till I can see my babies again. This next week is scary for me. We lost Lucas at 17/2. My mini goal has been to get to 18 weeks and then I can maybe exhale 1/8 of the way. I don’t think I will be at peace until they get here.

This pregnancy has been rough in that symptoms that I have I don’t know if they are due to having twins or if they are really things I should be worrying about. Round ligament pain showed up around week 12 and it has been a doozy. Getting to sleep takes an act of Congress and 4 pillows placed strategically. I keep thinking “what am I gonna do when I get to 24 weeks, or 30?” and then I immediately think “might not make it that far”. Also, I now have a gestational diabetes diagnosis. Gah. My doctor keeps saying that it is due to my higher hormone levels because of two but it feels like just ONE MORE THING to deal with. It is a complete and total up and down and all I can do for my sanity is remind myself that I don’t control any of this.

This got a lot longer than I expected but I was making up for months of not writing.

I have been toying with weekly updates.. but maybe when I get to 18 I will start.. or 20..or 24. Who knows.

 

14 thoughts on “Don’t jinx it.

  1. I’m so happy to hear this. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you and the twins. I thought once I reached viability my anxiety would lessen. It didn’t. I hope yours does but if it doesn’t I don’t want you to be surprised. Be gentle with yourself, you have been through so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so happy to hear about the twins but I’ll hold off the congrats until you’re past the safe period (because there are several).

    So let’s talk about how living with your mom is going…that must be quite the change…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😘😘 the more I think about the more I think it will work. The worst part will be that it increases Hubbins commute time to work by 25 mins…but just remembering my recovery from the Laparoscopic TAC this summer I KNOW I’m going to welcome the help!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have been thinking of you and hoping you were well and we would get a good update soon!!

    I am so glad to hear that you are expecting, and twins! Though I can’t imagine how much anxiety you are going through. I had a ton of horrible feelings and anxiety with my pregnancy and my losses were much earlier.

    I had Gestational Diabetes too… it’s no fun, but there is nothing we could have done to prevent it. It will be okay though.

    I know it is hard for you to get excited, but I am so excited for you. I really feel good about these babies making a beautiful appearance later this year!

    Do whatever you need to do as far as posting updates and otherwise. We will be here.

    Much love and happy wishes.
    S

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so excited for you and all of your wonderful news!! I will most definitely be praying for you and your babies!!! It’s so normal to feel all that you are feeling, I too had a goal of getting passed 18 weeks and then the beloved 24 weeks!!! Just take things one day at a time. Congrats!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m SO excited for you and understand the fear. Sending you so many hugs. We are currently living with my parents so I understand that anxiety as well – you do kinda regress back to teenage behaviour a bit, I think! I’m hoping it’ll be a positive thing for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I so badly want to say “wow twins” and get in to excited chatter…BUT I get the anxiety and so for now I’ll hold off on all the excited congratulations and just say; you’re doing amazingly focusing on all the positives. I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you and sending out lots of love and positivity. I look forward to hearing more and being able to congratulate you properly. 💕

    Like

      1. 😊 he’s beautiful and doing really well thanks! I really need to write an update for my blog but just haven’t found any time recently. I can’t wait to be able to get all excited for you! Two week count down…

        Liked by 1 person

  7. So glad to hear all this good news! And twins, wow!! I totally understand about not jinxing it. I didn’t announce on the blog until like 26 or 28’weeks. I totally understand what you are going through with the anxiety. As cliche as it sounds just take it one day at a time. I love that you are focusing on mini goals. that is perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

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