This post is really just rambling…a lot of thoughts in my head that I don’t know where to get out anywhere else so here they are. They may be dark and nonsensical.. I apologize in advance.
I’m tired. I’m not complaining because I know it is to be expected…but I am exhausted. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and slept till 5:30 and I am having a hard time functioning. I need to clean my house and start getting Christmas stuff done but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep my life away. I know that this isn’t being helped by the change in temperature and weather. It is dark at 5pm and I have no issues with getting in pajamas at 5:30. I know exercise could help with this depleted feeling but even though my doctor has given me the ok to do light walking and stretching I’m scared. I’m in the waiting period where it has been 6 days since I was able to see a heartbeat and I don’t have appointment till next Wednesday so I’m wondering if all is ok.
I’m kind of lonely. Hubbins started a new job a few months ago and while he loves it the hours are sporadic and long. He gets in most nights between 8:30/9 and sometimes as late at 10. When I am either in bed or on my way to bed or cranky because I’m trying to stay up. So we see each other on the weekends. I think I just need to find more things to occupy my time in the evening.
I’m having the worst dreams. I’m ashamed to even write them here but they are all very vivid and most involve the baby. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and have a hard time falling back asleep (probably accounting for my tiredness).
I’m over my coworkers. Today I am working with two women who have spent the entire morning complaining about their young children: “I wish I remember when I could sleep through the night. I would give anything to be able to have a weekend off. You are so lucky you have all this free time.” You would give anything? Would you give your kid? Cuz if you didn’t have one then you wouldn’t have all these ‘problems’ . I know that’s harsh and I know that every stage of this journey comes with its trials and problems but I am not in the mood to hear it from people who got pregnant “accidentally”.
Christmas is getting to me. I can’t stop feeling that I should be getting ready to celebrate with my newborn who isn’t here. I miss my son. Yes I know I never really had ‘time’ with him but I miss the possibility of what he could have been. Hubbins mentioned that we would have a baby next Christmas but I can no longer even hold onto to that hope. Because it is not guaranteed. I acknowledge that today is just a down day and I’ll be back to being optimistic and hopeful tomorrow but today..this is where I am.