It is 3:12 am. I am up at my normal time because my children are having their early AM dance party and I would not change it for the world. I can’t believe this is me. I can’t believe that we made it here. I can’t believe that we are 2 days away from 28 weeks. That we have passed viability; that we are at that magical number where things should be ok.
That doesn’t mean that the worry goes away. I won’t stop worrying till they are here; till I can hold them and we start the next phase of our journey where I worry because they are no longer with me. Worry because I can’t always keep them safe. Worry because the terrible world that I am bringing them into isn’t kind to little brown girls and little brown boys.
Tonight though, I’m not thinking about that. Tonight I’m just grateful. Grateful that He kept me. That He sustained me. That He didn’t allow me to lose my mind. That even when I wanted to give up He didn’t let me because He was building this story and preparing this blessing just for me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t feel equipped for it but I am so thankful for the opportunity to be their mommy.
So I will sit in the dark every morning for 3-430 and just recount all the ways that God has been so good to me through the tears and the heartache….and I will continue to be grateful.
Just a few more weeks bunnies.
One of my sisters shared this with me this morning and it struck such a resounding chord with me that I needed to share.
I love how this just sounds…determined. My mom has a saying: “Ban yuh belly and bear yuh grind”. She would say it to mean reinforce yourself and do your work. This is just that. Gird up yourself. Do what you have to do. That’s what we do as women. Hard times, disappointment, sadness, grief, strife. We mourn and then we find a new way to accomplish what we want. I’m doing my best as we go into a new journey not to focus on circumstances. I don’t trust my circumstances. I trust the God who can do the impossible in spite of what my current situation looks like.
I got a notification that today was my one year anniversary on WordPress. Wow!! It simultaneously feels like an lifetime and an instant. So much has happened in that year. I remember when I first got here. I was so… heavy. I needed a way to escape the feeling of having lost Langston. Writing seemed like a good outlet. So I tentatively made that first post not knowing where it would go, if anyone would see it or if anyone would care. I found out I was wrong. What I found here was a community that I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams existed. Here I found acceptance and understanding. Here I didn’t have to be ashamed of my grief or guilt or jealousy or anger or the dark thoughts that came when I said I was ‘OK’.
I have developed friendships here that have helped me in this last year. When I got pregnant with Lucas my sisters here rejoiced with me. They held their breaths through every ultrasound, prayed through every sleepless night, helped me laugh when I was being cynical and cried with me when the anxiety threatened to overwhelm. And when the unthinkable happened, when we lost yet another son, my sisters grieved with me. Across miles, they held me in their hearts. They ranted and screamed and cried to a God who would do this again…..and then, little by little, we healed and accepted and returned to that same God who always restores. I know that I couldn’t have made it this last year without my community here. Thank you for taking me in when I was broken and for starting the healing process. Thank you for allowing me to glimpse your sorrow, your anger, your frustration but most importantly, your hope. Here’s to many more years.
It has been a while since I’ve posted and that is because I haven’t really known what to say. My HSG is scheduled for this Wednesday so I was planning to post after that. It has been tough y’all. Grieving this second time around has been so different. I hate that I even have to type that but tis what it is. I think when we lost Langston, it caught us off guard and it was easier to accept that this was just a fluke. With Lucas, we worked HARD and still got nothing. Thursday I think was the first day that I finally started feeling like myself since probably the end of last month. Hubbins and I went to a late dinner and we talked, really talked, about our feelings and how we are literally trying to dig our way out from under this. We spoke about finding happiness in the little things. We are talking about buying a house and have been trying to be frugal but we are going to do little splurges. That means a new phone for him and a professional hair appointment with color for me. It seems simple but we have to be intentional in finding things that make us happy.
Therapy has been good. I guess it is helping just because we are talking things through but it is also bringing up a lot of old issues and I was just feeling like I have no emotions left to give for anything. The first few weeks of this month have been hard and I am DETERMINED not to get back to that place. I am a little nervous about the HSG and my consult with the robotics half of the surgery team is scheduled for the end of this month. I have lost 6 of the 30 pounds that I am supposed to be losing but I’m not really stressing the weight loss. We are joining a new gym and I will be getting a trainer; not even so much for the weight loss but just because my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. I have this tummy issue that kind of just has been hanging around (literally) and I just want to feel like me again; I know that losing weight will be a pleasant side effect. We have two weekend trips planned for this summer so I want to not be walrusy on the beach 🙂
One upside is that I have been reading my Bible a lot more and have been listening to more inspirational music as well as finding various devotionals to read. If you guys have the YouVersion Bible App there is a 7 day devotional on there about dealing with miscarriage that is soooo good. I do feel that if nothing else positive has come from this situation, I feel closer to God. It feels tangible. I talk to Him about being sad and angry and feeling disappointed and every time I get in the car I hear a song that reminds me that in-spite of what our circumstances look like, He is in control and I just need to cling to that hope and not try to make sense of what my life looks like right now. I won’t say it is easy but I am learning to lean on Him and for that, I am thankful.
Sometimes having faith seems futile. No really! Sometimes saying that “I know God has a plan” and that “I’m trusting Him even in the middle of this” seems trite, like what I’m supposed to say. Sometimes I want the BIG testimonies of “I prayed after my water broke and God sustained our son for 15 more weeks and my faith was strengthened”. But God doesn’t always show up in the big ways and honestly, sometimes I say these things to myself because I’m trying to convince myself that it’s true. The beauty in it is, I do still have faith. I am optimistic. I just read a post from one of my blog sisters and it oozed positivity and hopefulness. THAT is what my faith gives me. There are bad days; yesterday was one. But today, I’m driving to work and I’m hopeful. The people going through this journery yeah, we are a little crazy sometimes, but that little bit of crazy, sometimes wavering, but still optimistic beyond all odds faith, that faith is what makes us strong and what gives us hope.
I want to sleep but I can’t.
I remember laying here every night rubbing my belly and once Hubbins drifted off, I would talk to my little one. I would tell him how much he meant to us. I would tell him what kind of day I had. I would tell him how excited we were to meet him. I would tell him that I wished he was growing strong.
I would pray. I would pray over his mind and his eyes and his hands and his feet. Hubbins suspected he was a boy; I thought he would be a girl so I would alternate my prayers.
I would pray that my daughter would grow up to be a graceful woman of God. I would pray she wouldn’t inherit my quick sometimes sharp tongue. I prayed that she knew she was beautiful and she would hold her head up high confident in what she could do. I prayed she would know her value. I prayed that she would see all the love she needed in her Daddy’s eyes and realize that there was no acceptance from any other man that mattered because her daddy loved her enough.
I would pray for my son. I would pray that he have a gentle spirit and grow to be a strong man of God. I prayed he would inherit his fathers patience and long suffering. I prayed that he would be safe. I prayed that as a young black man he would understand his power and the importance of his voice for right and for the things of God. I prayed that I would know how to raise him in a world that everyday told him he wasn’t good enough; wasn’t smart enough; wasn’t talented enough.
I asked God for knowledge on how to raise this child for Him. I prayed that in my feebleness I would be strong enough to raise a child who grew to love Jesus and would seek Him each day.
Now I don’t know what to pray for…
You ever have a song that sums up exactly what you are feeling and seems to speak directly to your situation? This has been that song for me over the past few days.
People ask me
Isn’t it crazy
To believe in something you can’t see?
And people wonder
Why do I still ponder
Over an old dream
That appears will never be
You see my faith is strong and anchored
My faith cannot be wavered
My faith makes the unknown reality
And one day, if I pray
I know my dream will come to be
I believe God
He is incredible, invincible
He can crumble the impossible
Yes, I believe God
Although my faith sometimes is tested
On this shaky road I trod
I, oh I believe God
When life’s storm is harsh and bitter
And my ambition starts to wither
I wont be driven to crumble or complain
You see, doubting God is never
The option to consider
I’ve seen too many miracles
Hidden inside my pain
Oh, now faith is the substance of things hoped for
The evidence of things not seen
God works in mysterious ways
By faith my miracle and my breakthrough
Are going to spring forth from my pain Continue reading “I believe God”
I heard this song on Sabbath and have been humming it since then. This song speaks to so many phases that we have been through in our life when we didn’t know how we would make it out and God came through and made a way out of NOTHING. A few examples:
—-The time we had back to back car accidents in our family resulting in both cars totaled within a week of each other. This led up to us having to purchase two new vehicles while having two vehicle loans still open. What bank would touch that? God made a way.
—-The time Hubbins lost his job for a period of almost a year. Newly married, facing expenses on one income. What marriage would survive the financial stress that situation brings? God made a way.
—-Losing our son. This has been the hardest. There were times I thought I was going to lose my mind and I had no idea how I would ever feel anything or how I would find the strength to even want to live another day. I didn’t want to give God another chance to prove to me that He could make a way out of the dark pit of grief that I was feeling. God made a way. He is still making a way. There are times I cry and times I feel sad but I am never hopeless.
As I face this current pregnancy, am I worried? Yes. Am I afraid? Yes. But I know a God who specializes in making a way and if He can bring us through all of that, seeing me and our child through this pregnancy is nothing to Him. He can and will make a way.
Since we lost our son and I have been exploring different blogs and forums, I have found so many more things to be afraid of
if when we get pregnant again. Before, I didn’t know about blighted ovums and chemical pregnancies and babies whose heart just stops beating and babies who have a great heartbeat and are born and stop breathing. All these things. My biggest worry was getting our future child to stay in and incubate till it was time for them to meet the world. Now I’m realizing there are so many other things that can go wrong in those 9 months that I can’t protect them from and that I have no control over. I believe this is where my faith sustains me. I don’t know how I would be able to approach pregnancy knowing that there was no one in control of things, no one who could have a hand in making sure that our child was healthy, developed properly and empowered my body to sustain life. In reality, my body is nothing; merely the vessel. The life of my unborn child is in the hand of someone greater than I. He promises to hold my heart in His hand till the gift of our perfect child is ready. When that time comes, I know I can trust Him for the peace that I will need to make it through.
It is 1:21 am and in a few hours I go in for my CD10 ultrasound. This is my first month on the increased Femara dose and I’m a little nervous. The first month, I had 3 good sized follicles (all between 17-22mm) by day 13 and nothing happened. Last month, I had one super follicle (20mm) on day 10 that I personally think was a fluke. Today I find out what my body has been doing with the new increased dose. The headaches are finally seeming to taper off and for that I’m thankful. The hardest part heading into a ‘new month’ is the fact that I don’t really have control over how my body responds. I could go in and have 2 follicles or I could have 7 (exaggerated) but there is nothing that I can really do to determine that.
I have always been a control freak. I over plan, over analyze and over organize. This journey to baby allows me to do none of those things and I am trying to be OK with that. Honestly, I don’t have any feelings either way about today’s scan. Part of the way I emotionally protect myself is that I don’t want to get too optimistic. I fell apart last month when we had a negative test and I can’t do that every month till our rainbow. So we will see what God has in store for us this time around.