I need help. What would you guys do in this situation:
I have a coworker who is pregnant with her 6th child. SIXTH CHILD. She and I aren’t super close; we have a good working relationship but in the past, she has shared with me different issues that she has/had with her children’s fathers. Multiple fathers. I want to say there are 4 in all. Currently, 4 of her children do not live with her and are with her sister in another state as she was unable to care for them. What do I say when she has her baby daddy/pregnancy/woe is me stories? What I want to say is 1) unkind 2)profane.
Just want your opinions on how I address this..if at all. I could just ignore her I guess.
Just got back from my scan. We have one follicle…one. I will admit I was a little disappointed because I thought the increased meds would lead to more follicles but my RE said: “all I (yes I lol) need is one to make you a healthy baby”. It is a good sized follicle at 22mm so I’m going to trigger today and start progesterone on Saturday and then sit and wait.
As I get closer to what would have been our son’s due date on the 14th of November this empty feeling just gets bigger. It has always been there. I felt it the afternoon I left the hospital with empty arms and the understanding that I came in pregnant and was leaving with nothing. I feel it when I look at the bag of maternity dresses in the corner that I bought for this summer/fall season in anticipation of my blossoming stomach. I feel it when I pass parents on the street with their new precious baby boys and I know that our son never got the chance to live. I feel it when Hubbins man friends cancel football watching plans because of a kiddie party…that he isn’t invited to. It is an ache that I can’t describe. A longing for something that I had . I don’t know how I can walk around daily when part of me no longer exists. I don’t know how to be a mother but not a mom.
So it looks like a big fat negative for this month.
I started spotting on Sunday and although I knew that this was a possible side effect of the Endometrin (progesterone suppository) I needed to know that that was all it was. I asked Hubbins to take me to the pharmacy to get the test and while I was a little nervous I was more so excited because I just KNEW that this was the month and that I was pregnant…and then I didn’t see the second line. And the tears came. We had done everything right this month: had the sects when we were supposed to, I took my meds faithfully, started my prenatal, abstained from caffeine and alcohol, ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND STILL NOTHING.
For the rest of the night, I just lay on the couch on his lap and cried silently. He was so strong for me but I couldn’t be strong last night. I am just tired. I know that compared to others, our journey has been relatively short and there is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting so badly to have another baby because it feels like I haven’t taken the right amount of time to grieve for our son. I feel defective and insufficient. I’ll test again on Wednesday just because that was the actual date that I was due to do it. I know there is a lesson in this all and I know that God will reveal it in time but for today, I’m just empty and sad.
“O, for a faith that will not shrink,
Though pressed by many a foe,
That will not tremble on the brink of poverty or woe.”
~William Bathurst, SDA Hymnal, No. 533
They say: “I admire your faith and the way you seem to just trust God to handle you in this”. They only see pieces of me; the hidden parts, those tell a different story. They don’t see me falling completely apart when a free sample of Similac shows up at my door with the words ‘Congrats Mom’ on the case. They don’t see the sadness in my eyes as I listen to yet another story of how “we weren’t even trying but guess what?? We’re pregnant “. They don’t hear the quiver in my voice when I respond to someone else saying: “You guys have been married for 3 years??! And no babies yet?? I know you want to focus on your career but time is ticking!!”. I have become a master at concealing and an expert at making quick escapes before the tears fall. Continue reading ““Oh for a faith…””
EVERYONE IS PREGNANT!!!!!
Well, everyone but me clearly. Current status of fertility happenings at my job: one girl has a 2 month old son, one girl getting induced Monday, one girl due December, one due January, one due March. Not sure what has been in the water here at
the plantation at work but everyone has been sipping it freely!
I feel like I have been dealing with it fairly ok overall. I do the requisite oohing and ahhing over ultrasound pictures, I inquire as to how they feeling often and ask the questions about nursery prep and such. Because they don’t all know. A few do but they don’t remember. They don’t realize that I should have/would have been right there along with them. My due date was November 14th. I should have been complaining about aching backs and swollen feet and numerous trips to the bathroom and not being able to sleep…….but I’m not. Continue reading “Attack of the Breeders”
I kind of forgot that I started this random blog/page/whats it. School was hectic and I felt like I was running around like a madwoman. Now I have nothing but time so I am going to be updating more often. Expect random rants interspresed with deep thoughts. Also…disclaimer…I love Jesus…but I cuss too. So.. now you know.