“OMG!!! We are so surprised! We don’t even know how this happened!!”

*Disclaimer* This is a ranty shouty post.*

That  was the caption that announced a Facebook pregnancy announcement accompanied by a picture of a positive pregnancy test.

___Side rant___  I will never not be grossed out by people who share pictures of a stick that they peed on with 895 of their closest friends. I feel differently about the blogs on here of course but there is something about your pastor and your aunt and your nephew you never really met who friended you and you couldn’t say no to seeing something that you urinated on. I could be being irrational *shrug*

Anyhow, after seeing this post, I could only see red for a couple reasons:

1. You don’t know how this happened? It happened because sex. I know.. that’s a hard concept to grasp but that’s how it works. You have the sex, you get babies. UNLESS…you are one of the infertiles who have the sex on our head, on the bed, on a chair, in the air (Dr. Seuss would be proud) and it still requires a football team worth of medical professionals and an act of God and a drop of rain from the first rainfall of the year in the Amazon for us to “fall” pregnant.
2. You are 24. You live at home. Your ‘boyfriend’ works at Target. You work at a gas station. Not that it is not possible but do you know how much babies cost? What is the plan here? I know you probably don’t have one because you are so surprised and still don’t know how this happened.
3. You peed on this stick this morning and you’re announcing to all the internets that you are 2 minutes pregnant. I envy your confidence. I enjoy the naivete that believes that 2 lines on a stick leads to a baby 9 months later. Because you know what, it doesn’t always work that way.

After I shared my ranting manic thoughts with Hubbins he reminded me that we ARE pregnant. So then I felt horrible. Because I am and I shouldn’t begrudge anyone that happiness. But I still feel angry because I know of so many people who have been on this fertility trek for YEARS and they are weary and scared and on the verge of giving up. They are risking their physical well beings, financial stability and mental sanity for even the CHANCE at getting pregnant and those are the people that I want the ‘surprise’ pregnancies for. So while I wish you the best, you are going to be muted while you figure this part of your life out. And now I feel like a bitter hag.

9 weeks, 5 days

I went for my checkup yesterday. The anxiety started around Sunday and built steadily till the time I walked into the ultrasound room.  This appointment was for sonogram and then regular checkup with my doctor. I love my ultrasound tech. She has always remembered me from the last time and I feel like she takes extra special care with me when I come in. Baby is doing well!!!! As soon as I saw the heartbeat, that is when I remembered to breathe. Every time this happens, it sinks in that try as I might to ‘not get attached’, the minute I saw that 2nd pink line, I was in love.

Back on track…

Baby is measuring exactly 9 weeks and 5 days and has a heart rate of 172. My cervix is nice and long at 4.56 cm and remains shut! I got a few nice pictures and as soon as I can figure out what is going on with my phone, I will add them to this post.

After sonogram, I had a checkup with Dr. H. We did a urine culture and what I think is gonorrhea culture.. I saw the swab but forgot to ask what specific culture it was. I am down 2 pounds from when I last saw her so she is happy about that. She doesn’t want me to gain any more than 20 pounds for this pregnancy so I’m trying my best to ‘save’ as much of that as I can for later 🙂 We reviewed my labs from last time and she said that everything looks good so far BUT I am anemic. This has always been an issue for me, but she said we need to try to get my hemoglobin up to around 12 for this pregnancy; I am currently at a 10 so she started me on an iron supplement that I need to add to my prenatal. We talked about my heartburn and she recommended Pepcid in addition to the TUMS that I have been popping like Tic-Tacs.

Next steps: My first appointment with maternal fetal medicine (MFM) is on the 28th of December. At that time we will do the blood work part of the NT scan (genetic testing). The following Monday, on the 4th, I go back to MFM for the NT ultrasound which measures the thickness of the fold on baby’s neck (another form of testing for genetic abnormalities). At that time, I will get a recommendation from them for the timing of cerclage placement as well as information about continuing progesterone in form of the shots (still taking the Endometrin vaginally). On the 5th, I go  back to Dr. H and review their recommendation and she will schedule my cerclage. I will say, I am getting nervous. Most preventative cerclages are placed around 15 weeks but since my last loss was at 14 weeks she wants to aim for 13 weeks if possible.

I’ve decided to tell my mom on Christmas Day. I am still really apprehensive about telling anyone but I don’t feel comfortable going into having the procedure without her knowing. I’m excited about that. 🙂

Can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong

I know that I just saw my doctor on Wednesday and she said not to worry about the cramping. It is irrational to think that something could be wrong when I JUST SAW HER…but the cramping is still persistent. The only time I remember these cramps from last time was the day my water broke. That same day, I had an ultrasound and everything looked good and I didn’t insist on a manual exam to check the ultrasound. 6 hours later, my water broke. I am not scheduled to go back to see her until the 16th and I really don’t want to bother her and get the reputation of being ‘the lady who is a pain’.  I don’t know what to do other than keep hoping for the best and trying to keep the anxiety at bay.

Inner Musings

Hubbins and I had a great conversation last night over dinner about how I am feeling. It is weird…we really don’t talk about the baby. I update him on things that are happening with my appointments and he knows when I am nauseous or my chest is on fire from heartburn…but that’s mostly it. This point in our pregnancy last time, we were discussing names and spending every night looking baby clothes on Amazon. Losing a child makes you more jaded and cautious the second time around. So last night, we talked about how we were both feeling. Just as kind of check-in. And it was really good.

He told me he is excited but he is also very cautious. We have a set of couple friends who recently had a baby girl after having multiple miscarriages and he told me after we lost our son he spoke to the husband. The husband told him: “After the first one, I prepared myself to lose a few more. It sounds callous but I couldn’t fall apart every single time because I had to be there for her. Once we crossed the six month mark, then I let myself relax a little and it became more ‘real’ to me”.  So he has said that in his mind, he is taking it each day at a time. Today, we are pregnant. He is happy in that.

I spoke about having mixed feeling still. I am still very cautious and at times I try to ‘not think’ about being pregnant. I have been trying to take a very intellectual approach to this pregnancy and see it in milestones. My next milestone will be my appointment on the 8th. After that, my appointment on the 28th, then my appointment on the 4th. As each of those dates pass. I can breathe a little easier. The reality, however, is we can go through all the milestones. We can make it out of our first trimester, we can make it past 24 weeks, past 37 weeks. We can deliver..and that is not a guarantee that we will bring home a healthy baby. I realized during our talk that from the moment you find out you are pregnant, the worry begins and it does not end until you take your last breath. 5 years from now, I will worry about my child. 18 years from now, I will worry. And those feelings, those are what negate the intellectual part of my thinking because try as hard as I want, I already fiercely love this little speck of a being that I am carrying.

Appointment updates

I apologize again for not having updated in awhile. I have been madly decluttering my house in preparation for the holiday season when I knew there would be an influx of decorations and packages. This weekend, we cleared out a closet that has been packed since we moved in!! That was a big accomplishment for me and I realized I may have slight hoarder tendencies.

This past Wednesday I had back to back appointments with my RE and my OB.

RE Appointment:  I am officially cleared from Dr. C! I was able to see a heartbeat and was able to hold back the tears as there were  a total of 5 people in the room. (RE, Med student, sales/training rep for the new ultrasound machine that they received in the office, MA and myself…just a circus of people as I lay spread apart. The funny thing is: it didn’t bother me. ) After seeing the heartbeat, Dr. C confirmed my estimated due date and was adamant that the OB’s office not change it. Apparently, there is some sort of feudal war between OBs and REs because they date pregnancies different. The OB usually goes with the traditional calculation based on LMP but when a trigger shot is used the RE can date closer as they are able to pinpoint day of conception. When we were pregnant with our son, the OB’s office changed my due date to two weeks later than my RE and when I went to have the anatomy scan at 11 weeks, baby was already measuring too big. Dr. C. said that if they tried to change the date I should email her and she would sort it out.

OB Appointment: This was my first appointment with Dr. H. for this pregnancy and I was really happy to see her. She was outstanding during the delivery of our son and that entire ordeal and her compassion and care made all the difference to our family. When she walked in the room she gave me the biggest hug and told me how happy she was when she saw my name on her schedule.  After some small talk, she said : “Let’s get down to business. Where is your question sheet because I know you have one.” Yes. I had a sheet of typed questions. She remembered that I had shown up to my post D&C consult with one and she was ready for it this time. All of my questions dealt with info about the cerclage (when it would be placed, success rate, views on bedrest, how often cervical length will be checked). She gave me the timeline and answers for all of my questions. Around 11 weeks I am going to go get the NT blood work done (genetic testing). A week later at 12 weeks, I will have my early anatomy scan and the consult with MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine). Based on the results of those two appointments, she is expecting that cerclage will be done between 12 and 13 weeks. She doesn’t want to wait much longer than that as our loss last time was at 13 weeks and 6 days. The timing of the appointments will be slightly skewed earlier/later because that is right around Christmas/New Years. After she answered all my questions, I started to put on my coat and she reminded me that she still had other regular OB things to discuss with me! We spoke about my heartburn and nausea and that she wants me to aim to gain no more than 25lbs with this pregnancy. I left feeling confident in what she can do…more-so than in what my body can do…it’s bad, I know but my body has let me down before. I go back to see her on the 8th when I will be 8 weeks and 2 days. Just waiting in anticipation till then when I can see that little heartbeat again.

 

The Fear

This fear is something new. I live in a place now of constant terror. This weekend I convinced myself three separate times that I was having a miscarriage. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am convinced that this will be the time there is blood. Hubbins told me today that I can’t live like this for 9 months….and you know what my first thought was? We may not get that far. I feel like a terrible person because I can’t dare hope for a normal 40 week pregnancy. In my mind, I can’t think that far ahead. All I can manage is hour by hour and moment by moment.

Lab results are in and other thoughts

Yesterday, I got the third set of labs drawn for HCG/Progesterone. Progesterone is at 34 (yay Endometrin) and HCG is at 994!! 🙂

The day after the 2nd draw, y’all remember I was freaking out because I hadn’t gotten results back and/or a call from my doctor’s office. On Tuesday afternoon, I finally called because nothing was posted yet. I spoke to a wonderful nurse named Tracy and she was so understanding. I continually feel like I am doing the most and overreacting and she made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and encouraged me to call whenever I am uncertain about anything because they don’t want me worrying and causing undue stress; it takes a special person to be a nurse at an RE’s office and my office has the best ones 🙂

My placement scan is scheduled for next Wednesday. That’s when we make sure that the pregnancy has implanted in my uterus and not hanging out anywhere else. I don’t know what they see this early. I don’t remember from last time.

I should probably make this a separate post but.. laziness.

I don’t know how to move forward with my posts on here and tags and such. Let me explain: I feel guilty posting with some of the tags that I have been using such as “Miscarriage”. I don’t want to be a trigger for anyone with updates about this current pregnancy…but I feel like everything about this new pregnancy is colored by losing our son and there will be feelings about that interspersed with info about current things. I have been helped so much by the support that I have received from all your comments and knowing that my feelings are not alien. Please, take care of yourself. If you are one of my current followers and the posts are too much and you un-follow, I understand. If you come across a pregnancy post that is too much and need to write stern words, I understand that too.

Sorry this post diverged into lots of random things.. thanks for making it this far.

Still waiting

I’m convinced that my doctor’s office likes to mess with my mind. ANY other time within mere hours (6 max) I get my email saying “you have new results listed in your chart”. Not this time. This time I have been a bundle of nerves waiting for my 2nd Hcg and Progesterone result since 4:49pm yesterday afternoon. Did they lose the sample? Did my numbers drop and they are afraid to tell me? My rational brain tells me that it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet. My crazy post loss OMG everything can go wrong and nothing is guaranteed brain tells me that something is horribly wrong. My faith brain tells me just be patient that if I can’t trust God with this little part of the whole process I’m not gonna make it through 9 months. Crazy brain is winning. 

Just a little bit

*trigger warning*

I was scared to come on and post this……..

But as of today…I’m just a little pregnant.

I did a home test on Thursday and the line was faint. Went to work Friday and did a blood test HCG at 88. Called doc, later that day she had me for the official test; 98. I go back Monday and Wednesday for HCG and progesterone levels.

I told my husband by saying : I’m a little pregnant. And he said : ok. That’s where we are now. This is our reality. We are terrified. I’m scared to be excited. I think I’m going to go Monday and my levels will have dropped. All manner of things can happen.

But for today, I’m a little pregnant.

One more week

By this time next week I’ll know if my solo follicle was good enough.

I hate waiting. 

I work in a lab and it would be so easy to check my serum HCG but I’m holding off till the 7th when I’m supposed to test…going to try to keep my mind occupied till then. I’ve taken up crochet and I’m working on decluttering my house. 

I know this post was just rambling but I guess I just feel like you guys understand the nonsense that happens in my head.