It seems fitting that on the one year anniversary of this blog, I go back to my RE today. Yup y’all. We are starting again. I have been away for sometime. Gathering strength for the journey I guess? How do I feel? Today.. fortified. I’m ready. This weekend, I had a meltdown. It was the first in awhile and I COULD NOT STOP CRYING. A few hours later, I was all right. I think that is what this grief journey looks like for me. And I think it is a good place to be. I won’t ever ‘get over’ my Langston and Lucas. Some days will be hard. That is expected. But most of the days are good and I feel….optimistic? Hopeful is a strong word so I don’t think I’m at hopeful yet. But optimistic is good. I had my TAC. I waited. I have started working (yet AGAIN) on eating healthy and getting regular exercise. I have done my part to prepare to give any future babies the best chance that they can have at staying in and baking for as long as they need to. And above all, I trust God. Sometimes I catch myself planning timing and what happens with work and what happens with buying a house and and and and and I stop myself. I have worried through fertility treatments and pregnancies and it got me nowhere other than worked up. So this time, I’m going to try trust. Wholehearted. Unashamed. Nonsensical (at times) trust. I trust God. I gotta say it till it becomes second nature but till then when I am tempted to doubt, remind myself of the verse below. He has a plan. I just have to be brave enough to stick around to see what it is. So here we go!!!!!