I have been MIA. Well not really, I’ve been lurking in the background, liking posts here and there but I haven’t really been in the mood to post. I do need to write my surgery post; maybe that will happen today. Recovery has been more mentally hard than physically but that is for another post.
I think I haven’t written because I don’t know what to say. Yes, surgery went well and I should be happy for another chance to carry a child successfully…but I’ve been optimistic in the past and it has gotten me nowhere and nothing more than another hole in my heart. Also, I don’t like the person I am sometimes when I read posts on here. Being totally honest, I am jealous. Jealous. Envious. Angry. Guilty. Why Not Me syndrome is dangerous and I am not proud of it. It is a vicious cycle of longing for what other people have and then feeling guilty for not being able to put aside my longing far away enough to just be genuinely happy for everyone. I don’t always like the version of me that losing my sons has made me into. But I am trying to be better..sometimes that just looks like being numb and knowing that I can’t react or interact. But I miss the outlet that writing is, so I’m slowly making my way back.