I want to say thank you. There are too many of you to mention…but I want to say thank you. I don’t have the words yet to respond to all your thoughts but I see them and they mean so much to me. There is something about having someone who has experienced this kind of loss saying “I hate that you are going through this” that means so much more than the “OMG. Let me know if you need anything 😘” from people who have never been in this place. I know that you guys, my blog sisters, understand this..and I feel your thoughts and prayers. I hate this experience and the fact that we are all here because of our loss but I am thankful that I am not here alone. Your virtual presence has been a matter of life or death. And I know that on the other side of this we will have our rainbows and we will smile again.
I don’t want to blame anyone. I just want to know why? Why me? Why again? What purpose of God’s could possibly require that something that I so earnestly prayed for be taken away again? Like this? Am I not supposed to have children? Is that the lesson? Are we done trying? Will I always feel this emptiness? Why me? Why again?
I’ll praise You in this storm , I will lift my hands.
You are who You are, no matter where I am.
Every tear I cry, You hold in Your hands.
You’ve never left my side and though my heart is torn, I’ll praise You in this storm.
I’m home. Once again, I left the hospital with empty arms and a heart that feels like it will never hold anything precious again. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what else I was supposed to do. I was at my doctors office 3 seperate times in the last week and mentioned the unusual discharge and no one checked for infection. I know that I can’t blame anybody but there has to be answer. I can’t keep thinking that my body keeps rejecting perfect babies for no reason. This hurts and I don’t know how to stop it from hurting.
Langston Sean 5/14/15
Lucas Ethan 2/7/16
My heart is shattered in a way I didn’t know was possible.
My God is faithful and I know He sees me, knows me and is building my testimony through this. The devil won’t get the glory in this.
Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and love. To my sister friends who are pregnant, don’t stress this. Please. I need your precious ones to make it and prove to me that there is always hope.
I am numb. My water broke this morning around 2am. The cerclage stitches have been removed. In L&D now, waiting for the cytotek to work and put me into labor. I have no more words and no feelings. I just hurt and I want to not hurt anymore.
As of today, I am officially on modified bed rest until 32-36 weeks when my cerclage is removed. I feel alright. I think my mantra of ‘prepare for the worst and then accept whatever better comes along’ has been helping. I have been mentally prepared for total bed rest; currently my bed rest plan is :
- Standing restricted to 30 mins every 2 hours.
- When not standing, I can be sitting with legs elevated or laying on my side.
- No lifting anything that weighs more than a gallon of milk. ( I picked up a friend’s son on Saturday and almost dropped him when I realized what I was doing)
- No bending when it can be avoided.
- I can leave the house when I’m certain to be seated wherever I go; this is a big one for me because it means I can still go to church weekly.
So it’s not terrible! This still allows me to cook every other day or so and do light chores around the house as long as I strategically plan my day. I have become a master at mapping my journey around the house and collecting items as I go on my way to my destination. I have a few activities that are keeping me busy right now. I have started tackling the registry and working on my address list so that when we are ready to send out announcements etc that information is all ready. We will make it through this!! My Nugget is a fighter and I am going to do all I can to fight along with them.