Just the two of us 

This last week Hubbins and I have been home together. This time was so needed. When we lost Langston, I don’t think we took the time to grieve together. I went back to work 3 days later and I believe he did the same. This time we took the week off. This week we laughed and cried together. I realized this week that it is so easy when you’re on this infertility/loss journey to lose sight of your spouse…your relationship becomes a discussion of appointments and symptoms and spotting and cramping and other such sexy things. Even when I was pregnant, in the beginning the baby was kind of something we abstractly discussed. We spoke of appointments and shots and ticked off the weeks as they went by; I think on some level we were trying to insulate ourselves against anything happening….and then it happened again. This week we took the time to honor Lucas. We spoke about our feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt and most importantly, love. We loved our son. We love our sons. There were days we stayed in bed and he held me while I cried. He has lain on the couch holding a hot pad on my stomach as cramps grabbed hold of me. We spent days laughing at YouTube videos. This was all important to us, this week in our cave. We declined many of our visitors who wanted to stop by because we needed to process this for us….as parents, as lovers and as two people trying to decide on our future. We talked about trying again. We talked about next steps. We talked about how many more losses we were willing to risk.
Today to end our week together, we got tattoos to remember our boys. The details may be hard to see on his because it was pretty swollen but I’ll put a picture here. They are two kids building blocks and on the side of each is a name and the date our boys came to us. The die hard Giants fan wanted that reflected there as well as it is something he would have shared with his boys.

Mine represents that my boys hearts will always be one with mine and the L’s are for their first names.

This week we get back to ‘normal’ life; he returns to work tomorrow and I go back on Thursday. I am so glad that we took the time for us to start our healing process.

11 thoughts on “Just the two of us 

  1. I can’t tell you how much I can relate to this post. My boyfriend and I have been off together for this entire week. He returns Monday and I am afraid of being alone. I am also welcoming the alone time in a way. I need time to just be with my emotions. I love reading your blogs. I can relate so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You need both! Your time together and your time in your cocoon. Since I didn’t get cleared for work I’m home till Thursday; I know I need to go somewhere cuz being home solo I can feel the walls closing in. Let us know how you’re doing Monday after your first day.


      1. You want to hear something funny? When I was about 18,19.. I wanted to get my family’s initials. My brother David, mum Sally and dad Trevor. Jotted it all down and was almost set… until I realised however you looked at it, it would inevitability read S.T.D
        Hahaha 🙂

        So yeah… LOL isn’t too bad 😉 I genuinely can’t see it though. I think people really focus on the hearts straightaway so don’t think anyone would think of it as an ‘O’



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