The anger 

I go to see my regular OB tomorrow. She wasn’t on call this weekend so while I think she knows that I delivered, I’m not certain. I need her to clear me to go back to work because I can’t sit in my house slowly losing my mind. I love this lady. Loved, I guess. Now I feel betrayed. When I met her after Langston’s birth, she told me that after we would work together to make sure this didn’t happen again. I showed up at her office in December triumphant because I had gone through the work to get pregnant again (yes because it takes work for me to conceive)  and now I was in her hands. I did everything she told me to do. I trusted her wholly when she said do the procedure. When she said do it again, I trusted her. When on Wednesday, I told her I was still having more discharge and she performed an exam and said “the stiches look good” and I asked about the slight opening that I could see on the ultrasound she explained to me about funneling and said that because of the stitches baby would be ok, I stopped worrying. And now, here I am again. I need to know how this happened. I need to know why my concerns about my water breaking were met with comments that it hadn’t broken but when it had there was nothing to do. I need to know why I waited two hours once I got to L&D to see a doctor. Two hours during which the fluid that was required to keep my baby alive drained out of me only to have a doctor come in 2 hours later and say there is no fluid. I know asshat. I know. I need answers. My son isn’t here. My second son. I am a mother to two sons and have never heard either of their cries. Someone needs to tell me why. Someone needs to give me a reason to consider trying this again. I don’t have any heart left to break.

7 thoughts on “The anger 

  1. I am so angry for you. It bubbles up in me daily. I know our losses were different, but I really felt that the doctors fobbed me off and ignored my concerns too. I know how frustrating that is and how much you blame yourself afterwards for not making more of a fuss or insisting more. The bottom line is though, it isn’t our jobs to know about that stuff. We trust them because they’re the trained professionals. I know my saying this won’t make it so, but please don’t blame yourself. Give your OB hell if it helps, I’m sure she can take it, but believe me when I say that you did nothing wrong.

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  2. I should add too that the discussions with my doctor about the cerclage really made it clear to me that the decision is more of an art than a science. We trusted our doctor’s best guess of what we should do and his intuition, which went against every study I could find.

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  3. Please don’t blame yourself for trusting your doctors. I did the same since I assumed that my overly anxious tendencies were distorting my perspective. I would ask your doctor why she elected not to do these follow-up tests; maybe she had a good reason. And maybe they’re not standard. I didn’t have a cerclage, but we spent a long, long time debating it with our doctor (like 4 weeks) and the possibility of infection came up a lot. Ultimately the patient should not be responsible for requesting tests and double checking a physician’s work, which is why I find the lack of tests in your case so heartbreaking. I hesitated to mention it here because I didn’t want you to feel that you had been negligent (you definitely were NOT).

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  4. I also felt very angry when I gave birth at 17 weeks. In the midst of excruciating labor pain, i called the on-call nurse bc labor could cause a uterine rupture for me, and she essentially said there was nothing that could be done aside from pain management since we hadn’t reached viability. I’ve never felt so utterly abandoned. Now I know there was, indeed, a lot they could’ve done and I should’ve gone to the hospital asap. I hope you were being monitored for infection post-cerclage (white blood cell counts, tracking temps for fever) or taking prophylactic antibiotics. It’s important to remember that you did everything you could have with the information you had at the time. I have to tell myself this daily as I re-live the decisions involved in our own loss.

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    1. I wasn’t and that’s what makes me angry. I know I should have been. I work in a lab; I should have been more insistent that those things were done. I didn’t get antibiotics after either procedure. I just feel negligent because I didn’t ask more questions.

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  5. I remember feeling the same way after my third miscarriage. The doctor was so sure I was ok and everything looked fine. I was told nor to worry and that we had cleared the twelve week mark. I came in for a routine appointment at 14 weeks and the baby had died a few days prior. I felt duped that the doctor had the audacity to be so sure everything was ok. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I agree it helps going back to work. I hope it’s not too bad talking to the doc to get clearance. Again I am so sorry.

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