I go to see my regular OB tomorrow. She wasn’t on call this weekend so while I think she knows that I delivered, I’m not certain. I need her to clear me to go back to work because I can’t sit in my house slowly losing my mind. I love this lady. Loved, I guess. Now I feel betrayed. When I met her after Langston’s birth, she told me that after we would work together to make sure this didn’t happen again. I showed up at her office in December triumphant because I had gone through the work to get pregnant again (yes because it takes work for me to conceive) and now I was in her hands. I did everything she told me to do. I trusted her wholly when she said do the procedure. When she said do it again, I trusted her. When on Wednesday, I told her I was still having more discharge and she performed an exam and said “the stiches look good” and I asked about the slight opening that I could see on the ultrasound she explained to me about funneling and said that because of the stitches baby would be ok, I stopped worrying. And now, here I am again. I need to know how this happened. I need to know why my concerns about my water breaking were met with comments that it hadn’t broken but when it had there was nothing to do. I need to know why I waited two hours once I got to L&D to see a doctor. Two hours during which the fluid that was required to keep my baby alive drained out of me only to have a doctor come in 2 hours later and say there is no fluid. I know asshat. I know. I need answers. My son isn’t here. My second son. I am a mother to two sons and have never heard either of their cries. Someone needs to tell me why. Someone needs to give me a reason to consider trying this again. I don’t have any heart left to break.