I don’t want to blame anyone. I just want to know why? Why me? Why again? What purpose of God’s could possibly require that something that I so earnestly prayed for be taken away again? Like this? Am I not supposed to have children? Is that the lesson? Are we done trying? Will I always feel this emptiness? Why me? Why again? 

11 thoughts on “Why? 

  1. I wonder that myself.

    I’m four, almost five years out from my loss of Ethan. Like you, I had two losses in a year. Unlike you, only one was a late-term. And it sucks, I’ll be frank about it. The tiniest things trigger overwhelming emotions still. I was shopping for some cute, hipster type clothing for Bear and I come across a ‘Big Brother’ shirt. He can’t wear that yet, but Ethan would’ve worn one. Certain movies make me emotional because of the life and death themes. My April 2012 moms are getting ready to celebrate their four year olds. I celebrated Ethan’s four year anniversary in heaven a couple months ago.

    And it really sucks because the people I know…the women I know who want to have a baby, who try to so hard, who go through all of these hoops, who I know will be amazing parents….we’re given the biggest struggles. And for why? Why us?

    After I loss Ethan, this scripture helped me: Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

    I know it’s hard now. Believe me, I know all too well. Do not blame yourself. Don’t feel guilty. You did everything you were supposed to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart breaks for you. Your faith is inspiring and I hope you’re finding some comfort in this dark time. I’m so very, very sorry you’re going through this again.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I thought about you all day yesterday. I really wanted to come up with something profound and helpful to say. Instead, I ranted on my own blog about the seeming unfairness of life. I doubt that will help you. I think the above quote from LB a good one. Sending you love and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve thought these same questions for you (Why does she have to go through this again? And why, when her faith is so strong and she’s a genuinely good person?) And I’ve thought them for myself as well, for both the good and the bad (Why did we lose our daughter? And why did her twin make it when every other baby in her situation has died? And why had my life been so unbelievably good and easy up until my loss when so many others deal with so, so much more?) Some days I accept that these questions have no answers and some days I still ask them. A nurse shared a Thomas Merton quote with me after our loss and I re-read it constantly: “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. […] Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” I still turn to this quote frequently since another consequence of our loss is that fear often dominates my life.

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