Just words

This post is really just rambling…a lot of thoughts in my head that I don’t know where to get out anywhere else so here they are. They may be dark and nonsensical.. I apologize in advance.

I’m tired. I’m not complaining because I know it is to be expected…but I am exhausted. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and slept till 5:30 and I am having a hard time functioning. I need to clean my house and start getting Christmas stuff done but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep my life away. I know that this isn’t being helped by the change in temperature and weather. It is dark at 5pm and I have no issues with getting in pajamas at 5:30. I know exercise could help with this depleted feeling but even though my doctor has given me the ok to do light walking and stretching I’m scared. I’m in the waiting period where it has been 6 days since I was able to see a heartbeat and I don’t have appointment till next Wednesday so I’m wondering if all is ok.

I’m kind of lonely. Hubbins started a new job a few months ago and while he loves it the hours are sporadic and long. He gets in most nights between 8:30/9 and sometimes as late at 10. When I am either in bed or on my way to bed or cranky because I’m trying to stay up. So we see each other on the weekends. I think I just need to find more things to occupy my time in the evening.

I’m having the worst dreams. I’m ashamed to even write them here but they are all very vivid and most involve the baby. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and have a hard time falling back asleep (probably accounting for my tiredness).

I’m over my coworkers. Today I am working with two women who have spent the entire morning complaining about their young children: “I wish I remember when I could sleep through the night. I would give anything to be able to have a weekend off. You are so lucky you have all this free time.” You would give anything? Would you give your kid? Cuz if you didn’t have one then you wouldn’t have all these ‘problems’ . I know that’s harsh and I know that every stage of this journey comes with its trials and problems but I am not in the mood to hear it from people who got pregnant “accidentally”.

Christmas is getting to me. I can’t stop feeling that I should be getting ready to celebrate with my newborn who isn’t here. I miss my son. Yes I know I never really had ‘time’ with him but I miss the possibility of what he could have been. Hubbins mentioned that we would have a baby next Christmas but I can no longer even hold onto to that hope. Because it is not guaranteed. I acknowledge that today is just a down day and I’ll be back to being optimistic and hopeful tomorrow but today..this is where I am.

10 thoughts on “Just words

  1. Hubby and I have been trying for over three years and my boss’s daughter who got pregnant the month after they got married and is several years younger than me, brings her newborn to the office everyday. She is supposed to be working, but mostly all she does is complain about everything, this baby is always crying, I never sleep anymore, all she wants to do is eat and poop. And she is one of those moms that won’t let anyone touch or hold the baby. Anyway, just wanted you to know, I feel you on the co worker front. I have never been able to get pregnant, so I can’t even imagine how it feels to go through that kind of loss, but I’m sure this time around, with your team of doctors, it’s going to be smooth sailing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Totally understand! First, I was so tired at the beginning of my pregnancy with Jordan. I think it is just bad timing of first trimester exhaustion with the Christmas holiday. Try no to beat yourself up over it. Second, people are idiots. They take their gifts for granted. Though i’m surprised they said those things around you. Do they know about you losing your son? Seems an insensitive conversation. Lastly, you will always miss your son. You don’t need to apologize for it,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You definitely do not sound ungrateful. For woman who have been through that kind of a lose being pregnant the goal anymore. So I can understand that it might be hard to stay positive. I hope it gets easier for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Aw, hon. I know what you mean. I am struggling physically at the moment and it is taking an emotional toll too but I feel like if I admit that or complain I am being ungrateful because at least for the moment I am pregnant but we both know being pregnant isn’t a guarantee so it’s hard for me to be excited this early. I haven’t written about it because my thoughts are all jumbled and I don’t want to say something insensitive but it helped me to come on here and see that it’s not all roses for you too. Thanks for making me feel not so alone. I hope things get better and you’re able to get some rest.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for responding because the whole time I was writing I thought “I’m going to come off sounding the most ungrateful and I know there are those who would give ANYTHING to be in my shoes”. I am thankful for you.. and you are never alone. We will make it through one more day 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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