Lab results are in and other thoughts

Yesterday, I got the third set of labs drawn for HCG/Progesterone. Progesterone is at 34 (yay Endometrin) and HCG is at 994!! 🙂

The day after the 2nd draw, y’all remember I was freaking out because I hadn’t gotten results back and/or a call from my doctor’s office. On Tuesday afternoon, I finally called because nothing was posted yet. I spoke to a wonderful nurse named Tracy and she was so understanding. I continually feel like I am doing the most and overreacting and she made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and encouraged me to call whenever I am uncertain about anything because they don’t want me worrying and causing undue stress; it takes a special person to be a nurse at an RE’s office and my office has the best ones 🙂

My placement scan is scheduled for next Wednesday. That’s when we make sure that the pregnancy has implanted in my uterus and not hanging out anywhere else. I don’t know what they see this early. I don’t remember from last time.

I should probably make this a separate post but.. laziness.

I don’t know how to move forward with my posts on here and tags and such. Let me explain: I feel guilty posting with some of the tags that I have been using such as “Miscarriage”. I don’t want to be a trigger for anyone with updates about this current pregnancy…but I feel like everything about this new pregnancy is colored by losing our son and there will be feelings about that interspersed with info about current things. I have been helped so much by the support that I have received from all your comments and knowing that my feelings are not alien. Please, take care of yourself. If you are one of my current followers and the posts are too much and you un-follow, I understand. If you come across a pregnancy post that is too much and need to write stern words, I understand that too.

Sorry this post diverged into lots of random things.. thanks for making it this far.

Still waiting 

I’m convinced that my doctor’s office likes to mess with my mind. ANY other time within mere hours (6 max) I get my email saying “you have new results listed in your chart”. Not this time. This time I have been a bundle of nerves waiting for my 2nd Hcg and Progesterone result since 4:49pm yesterday afternoon. Did they lose the sample? Did my numbers drop and they are afraid to tell me? My rational brain tells me that it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet. My crazy post loss OMG everything can go wrong and nothing is guaranteed brain tells me that something is horribly wrong. My faith brain tells me just be patient that if I can’t trust God with this little part of the whole process I’m not gonna make it through 9 months. Crazy brain is winning. 

The Gift

The last few days I have been a jumble of emotions over an unexpected gift that I received. A friend of mine (let’s call her M) messaged me on Wednesday and said that she had a poem that she had written for our son that she wanted to give to Hubbins and I. Some history: M and I have spoken briefly about my loss. She has always been a very supportive friend however more emotive than I. I am a functioning introvert who also has anxiety issues; I don’t really spew feelings readily as no matter how close I think we are I always have a fear of ‘what people will think about me’. Hubbins always knows what I’m feeling but outside of him, I don’t divulge feelings easily. One of the reasons this blog has been so therapeutic is because I can ‘talk’ to all of you all and not worry about what you think because you don’t know me *smile* M is the opposite; emotions come easily to her and there is part of me that feels like I have to ‘overshare’ when we talk about the loss of my son because she wants so much to ‘ be there for me’. Additionally, M has two children both of whom conceived with the ease of changing socks; the feelings there are ones that I am not proud of.

Back to Wednesday, after I received her message and she asked if she could drop off the poem, I asked her if she could mail it as I knew with my son’s birthdate drawing closer I have mentally and emotionally been in a rough place. Thursday evening, I got a message asking if I was home and I said yes. A few minutes later there was a knock at my door and when I opened the door there was  a gift bag with a frame. I immediately felt angry and sad at the same time. Angry because I felt like my wishes hadn’t been taken into consideration and now this gift was in my house where I would have to see it even if I didn’t open it. Sad because I felt ashamed of how I was feeling because knowing that she means well. I sent a text saying thank you and cautioned that I didn’t’ know when The bag remained unopened till the next day when I asked Hubbins to look at it first and I steeled myself for looking at it. He really loved it and said how thankful he was for the expression. I knew I couldn’t avoid it forever.

He brought the frame over and it was an acrostic with the letters of our son’s name in different parts of each line of the poem. The poem speaks to how we know that we will see him again someday and that he was sorry that he didn’t get to spend time with us here on Earth. The tears began immediately and I silently let them fall. Mixed feelings. Part of me felt angry; our son was OUR’s. Our pain is our’s alone and I feel like someone who has never experienced the loss of a child doesn’t get to have a part in our grieving process. Even as I type this I realize that those emotions are selfish and sound a little self righteous. I also expressed to Hubbins that I felt like I was once again being forced to deal with emotions (which I have honestly been trying to keep at bay) ‘on demand’ because someone needed so much to share something with me.

Today though, now that the initial feelings have had time to cool off, I am thankful. One of my biggest regrets with our son is that aside from the pictures that we took of him in the hospital and our hospital bands, we don’t have anything that represents him. As he was not born ‘alive’, we don’t have a birth certificate or hand-prints or footprints or any of the things that represent that I had a baby. It feels like he isn’t acknowledged as being born. I had a ‘miscarriage’. That is in quotes because, for me, it takes away the fact that I delivered our boy. I went through labor. It was a 2 day process of labor at the end of which my boy was born. I had nothing to take away. And now I have something with his name…and for that I am thankful.

Just a little bit

*trigger warning*

I was scared to come on and post this……..

But as of today…I’m just a little pregnant.

I did a home test on Thursday and the line was faint. Went to work Friday and did a blood test HCG at 88. Called doc, later that day she had me for the official test; 98. I go back Monday and Wednesday for HCG and progesterone levels.

I told my husband by saying : I’m a little pregnant. And he said : ok. That’s where we are now. This is our reality. We are terrified. I’m scared to be excited. I think I’m going to go Monday and my levels will have dropped. All manner of things can happen.

But for today, I’m a little pregnant.

Wham, Bam, Thank you Sir

I feel like a bad wife. On the list of the myriad of things that TTC has changed for us, physical intimacy is one of them. On one hand, Hubbins and I are closer emotionally than we ever have been. In the short 3 years that we have been married, we have tackled sickness, job loss, two major accidents and most recently, the loss of our son. Some of this stuff would have driven other couples apart but aspects of our communication have grown. He seems to be in tune to what triggers me emotionally and will go out of his way to either shield me from it, remove me from the situation completely or do his best to inject humor and ultimately he will always make me laugh it out. That part has been great.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel like our sex life is suffering because of this TTC journey. We have lost a lot of the spontaneity. During our fertility window, I feel like I’m all in. I GO HARD Y’ALL….for 3 days. Then shortly after the Endometrin starts and I a) feel like a tired dishrag or b) just feel gushy all the time. After Endometrin for the month, then AF shows up and we are down for the count and the cycle starts all over again.

do-not-want-polar-bear

I desire my husband. I enjoy our sex life. There is just a part of me that sometimes mentally feels like “oh we can’t make a baby right now, I’m going to take a nap”. I don’t want my husband feeling like  I only desire sex with  him for his baby making ingredients. Am I the only one?

My feet fail 

I feel like I’m flailing. Not doing anything well just  being consumed by this journey while waiting for my rainbow. For it to be my turn…but I have to wait. I heard this song today again and it was what I needed. 

You call me out upon the watersThe great unknown, where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves 

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace; for I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger In the presence of my Savior

“Oceans” ~ Hillsong United

Dear Endometrin, 

I have things I need to do. I cannot sleep 10 hours a night and then come home and take a 3 hour nap.

I would like to wear fancy panties. Prior to you, I only had about one week a month when I was relegated to my utilitarian undies but alas, no more. 

You make me uncomfortable. It’s unpleasant to just feel ‘squishy’ all day long. 

Hubbins kind of hates you because it means even when we aren’t in our baby window, sexy time has to be planned with the precision of a train schedule. 

Endometrin, you aren’t my favorite but if you could mean that I get to bring home my baby someday, then you’re welcome to stick around.