The Fear 

This fear is something new. I live in a place now of constant terror. This weekend I convinced myself three separate times that I was having a miscarriage. Every time I go to the bathroom, I am convinced that this will be the time there is blood. Hubbins told me today that I can’t live like this for 9 months….and you know what my first thought was? We may not get that far. I feel like a terrible person because I can’t dare hope for a normal 40 week pregnancy. In my mind, I can’t think that far ahead. All I can manage is hour by hour and moment by moment.

11 thoughts on “The Fear 

  1. Aww Hun I totally get this!! Just take it one day at a time. Sometimes even one day at a time is too much and all you can do is one minute at a time. That’s ok!!! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep the faith! Praying for you!

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  2. What helped me was repeating this mantra: this pregnancy will have a different outcome. I said that as often as I could; daily, hourly, whenever. Being PgAL is so difficult so you have every right to feel on edge. I can’t wait to read updates on your progression!!!

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  3. You know I am right there with you. For whatever reason, deciding that I’m going to believe I won’t miscarry for just the day I’m on is working for me so far. I can’t allow myself to believe I will make it 9 months but I can decide that I am going to make it through the day. Granted, I’m only 3 days in but for now it is working. I hope we both make it! Wouldn’t that be lovely?


  4. I was going to comment and try offer words of support or encouragement but the woman above has absolutely nailed it. So I cant say much more to you.
    I have absolutely every limb in my body crossed for you tho. I hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy and an even happier and healthier little baby!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I also lived in terror of something happening during my pregnancy — and then the horrific *did* happen, and worse than I had even been imagining. It didn’t help, not one iota, that I’d braced myself for something to go wrong. I just have a deep regret now that I didn’t enjoy those complication-free weeks of the pregnancy. I’d encourage you to tell your little one that you love him or her, send your baby all of the love that you feel, and celebrate life. So maybe live moment to moment, but focus on the wonder of your baby being alive in this moment. That’s what I wish I had done with my baby when she was still alive. I completely understand your fears, of course.

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  6. i feel for you. i have never been pg but have often said to my fertile friends that as an infertile you’re hyper aware of all that can go wrong. is it possible for you to talk to a professional about this? it would be a shame for you not to be able to feel the joy of this pregnancy because of the fear. sending you prayers and hugs. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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