We visited a different church yesterday and were blessed to witness a baby boy being dedicated. Baby dedications have always been nostalgic/difficult for me as they represented dreams I had for my life and future. Before I was married, I would see these little families stand up with their new addition and wonder if I would ever find someone to build that with. Once we began trying, I would wonder when it would be my turn to stand with my friends and family as we dedicated our baby back to the Lord that saw fit to give us this wonderful gift. Since losing our son, I have been through two baby dedications with this being the second one. The first was very emotional. This precious child came after recurring miscarriages and there was not a dry eye in church as words were spoken about how this little one was prayed so fervently for daily. We all collectively held our breath as the days and months ticked by and we began to get more comfortable that this baby would make. And then she arrived, and she was perfect. That day I cried tears of joy as I witnessed the ability of God to provide restoration and completion after loss. The tears also represented hope because God is faithful and His promises are true that no good thing that we desire will He withhold from us.
The dedication yesterday found me getting misty eyed again but for a different reason this time. As I listened to the pastor speak of the importance of this day and the symbolism of committing your child’s life back into God’s hands I smiled. I smiled because I realized that dedication can happen at any stage in your child’s life. We are not yet pregnant but I am trusting God that this is not a blessing that He will withhold from us; getting pregnant the first time was difficult and we were blessed to be able to conceive our son. I cannot believe that a God who loves me so much as to allow me the privilege of co-laboring with Him to produce life would place this longing in me for a child only to see it unanswered. There are lessons of faith that I need to learn in this season and I’m trying to do just that.
While learning those lessons though, I can decide to dedicate my unborn and yet unconceived child back to their Heavenly Father. God sees and knows all. He knew my son while he was yet in my body; before I knew I was pregnant, God had already seen my baby and formed him in His perfect image. So to my yet unconceived child, I give you to God even now. I entrust your conception and the circumstances under which you will be created to my Father. I trust Him to form you perfectly and to create every cell of your being in His perfect time. I trust Him to allow you the time you need to grow and to heal my body and equip it to be able to nurture and sustain you till you are ready for this world. Your Father sees and knows you and I trust that when He is ready, He will allow us to be blessed to serve as your earthly parents.
I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.
So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.
1 Samuel 1: 27-28
Cycle Day 2.
A new month.
A new chance.
*I read the tittle in my Super Mario voice, I’m trying to be in a happier place*
Today I will start my Femara for the next 5 days. This will be my first month on an increased dose of 7.5mg as my RE wants to prompt, in her words, a “more robust response”. *As I have a vivid imagination, I pictured my ovaries as lumberjacks in red and black jackets…robust right?* Last month, I had one follicle measuring 20 and one measuring an 8 and while we triggered via the Ovidrel, I was skeptical about that 8. Dr. C did warn me that with increasing the Femara we slightly increased the risk of multiples which for me is quite risky due to my
lazy, do nothing incompetent cervix. We will cross that bridge when we reach it.
Step 1. Get pregnant.
Step 2. Profit *If you get this South Park reference, you are awesome*
There is a part of me that is dreading this day. On my calendar, I have a note that says “We Remember” as it marks the National Day for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance. I just knew that on this day I would have gotten my positive test the day before and while it would have been hard I would have still been hopeful. Truth is, I don’t need a day for remembering. I remember daily. I remember the endless nausea that would wake me in the middle of the night. I remember the excitement when our parents opened the surprise boxes that told them to expect their first Grandchild in November. I remember planning our gender- reveal shower and imagining how we would find out the sex of our baby surrounded by so much love. I also remember the terror of my water breaking and the sleepless night that I spent knowing something was wrong but praying fervently that God would make it be OK. I remember heading to the hospital that morning in my work clothes because I was sure that I would have a quick checkup and be on my way. I remember the silence in the room as they listened for a heartbeat that was slowly fading. Continue reading “October 15th – We Remember”
So it looks like a big fat negative for this month.
I started spotting on Sunday and although I knew that this was a possible side effect of the Endometrin (progesterone suppository) I needed to know that that was all it was. I asked Hubbins to take me to the pharmacy to get the test and while I was a little nervous I was more so excited because I just KNEW that this was the month and that I was pregnant…and then I didn’t see the second line. And the tears came. We had done everything right this month: had the sects when we were supposed to, I took my meds faithfully, started my prenatal, abstained from caffeine and alcohol, ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND STILL NOTHING.
For the rest of the night, I just lay on the couch on his lap and cried silently. He was so strong for me but I couldn’t be strong last night. I am just tired. I know that compared to others, our journey has been relatively short and there is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting so badly to have another baby because it feels like I haven’t taken the right amount of time to grieve for our son. I feel defective and insufficient. I’ll test again on Wednesday just because that was the actual date that I was due to do it. I know there is a lesson in this all and I know that God will reveal it in time but for today, I’m just empty and sad.
I think I’ve been doing pretty OK in this month’s two week wait. I have been doing my best not to think about it. Starting this blog has helped as I have been spending time reading all of your stories and writing. Now it’s Sunday though…and I’m nervous.
I think this month is harder because I test exactly 5 months to the day of losing our boy and one month before what would have been his due date. Hubbins and I been reflecting recently on some of the things we have learned and different facets of how we have both
dealt are dealing with our loss.
We will see what happens. God is faithful and His timing is perfect.
Sight beyond what I see
You know what’s best for me
Prepare my mind, prepare my heart
For whatever comes, I’m gone’ be ready
~Yolanda Adams, I’m Gonna be Ready
There is an old wive’s tale floating around somewhere that if you have a dream about fish, someone close to you is pregnant. Not sure where it came from or if it’s just an island people thing, but it is thing.
I’m in a group message with some family-friends (those people who aren’t related to you by blood but are close enough that you may as well be). For the past three months, every few weeks, someone has the fish dream and I get asked the question: ” Are the fish for you?”. I usually just don’t respond or say no. Two weeks ago, it happened again and I effectively dodged answering the question. Today it happened again and I responded: “No, still not pregnant from two weeks ago when you asked” and conversation has stopped in the chat. Continue reading “Nope, still not pregnant .______.”
I thought that I would be ready to share his name and share our full story but I’m not. One day I will be strong enough to share our boy’s name and the 48 hour journey that signaled the end of his life…but I’m not there yet.
I still want to keep that part of him to myself.