So it looks like a big fat negative for this month.
I started spotting on Sunday and although I knew that this was a possible side effect of the Endometrin (progesterone suppository) I needed to know that that was all it was. I asked Hubbins to take me to the pharmacy to get the test and while I was a little nervous I was more so excited because I just KNEW that this was the month and that I was pregnant…and then I didn’t see the second line. And the tears came. We had done everything right this month: had the sects when we were supposed to, I took my meds faithfully, started my prenatal, abstained from caffeine and alcohol, ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND STILL NOTHING.
For the rest of the night, I just lay on the couch on his lap and cried silently. He was so strong for me but I couldn’t be strong last night. I am just tired. I know that compared to others, our journey has been relatively short and there is a part of me that feels guilty for wanting so badly to have another baby because it feels like I haven’t taken the right amount of time to grieve for our son. I feel defective and insufficient. I’ll test again on Wednesday just because that was the actual date that I was due to do it. I know there is a lesson in this all and I know that God will reveal it in time but for today, I’m just empty and sad.