There is an old wive’s tale floating around somewhere that if you have a dream about fish, someone close to you is pregnant. Not sure where it came from or if it’s just an island people thing, but it is thing.
I’m in a group message with some family-friends (those people who aren’t related to you by blood but are close enough that you may as well be). For the past three months, every few weeks, someone has the fish dream and I get asked the question: ” Are the fish for you?”. I usually just don’t respond or say no. Two weeks ago, it happened again and I effectively dodged answering the question. Today it happened again and I responded: “No, still not pregnant from two weeks ago when you asked” and conversation has stopped in the chat.
I don’t know if it came off harsh. I don’t know if someone is offended. But I’m tired. I’m tired because every month since August when I get asked, I feel like a failure. I understand that they are excited for us to be pregnant again and that comes from a good place but I also want someone to understand that every month when I have to answer that I’m not pregnant it feels like I have failed again. Again because I failed them the first time when I couldn’t carry our son.
I’m also really torn because the truth is we are in our waiting period and I could possibly be pregnant and not know it yet (because I’m resisting the urge to not test till the 14th). Once I find out, how do I answer that question when I don’t want to tell anyone? I feel guilty about lying and saying I’m not because I feel like I would be discrediting the existence of my unborn child. The last time, we did what we were supposed to do and told everyone at 12 weeks after we were out of the ‘danger zone’…two weeks later, we lost our son. I don’t want to experience that publicly again.
Miscarriage robs you of the carefree joy of being pregnant because after that loss subsequent pregnancies become the constant waiting and watching game of: Is this one going to be ok? Can I do this right this time? Will they be among the first to know when we are ready to share the news? Yes. But till then I just want some understanding while we are as excited as everyone else is, our stark reality keeps us in check.