“O, for a faith that will not shrink,
Though pressed by many a foe,
That will not tremble on the brink of poverty or woe.”
~William Bathurst, SDA Hymnal, No. 533
They say: “I admire your faith and the way you seem to just trust God to handle you in this”. They only see pieces of me; the hidden parts, those tell a different story. They don’t see me falling completely apart when a free sample of Similac shows up at my door with the words ‘Congrats Mom’ on the case. They don’t see the sadness in my eyes as I listen to yet another story of how “we weren’t even trying but guess what?? We’re pregnant “. They don’t hear the quiver in my voice when I respond to someone else saying: “You guys have been married for 3 years??! And no babies yet?? I know you want to focus on your career but time is ticking!!”. I have become a master at concealing and an expert at making quick escapes before the tears fall.
I haven’t given up. Yes, I have gotten angry, sad, angry again, sad some more, bitter and frustrated. I have raged against the God who, after so much time of trying, blessed us with our son and then saw fit to take him away. But I still trust Him. It hurts and I will never claim to understand but my trust doesn’t require me to know the why’s of my life in God’s hands.
Yes, I should have been 8 months pregnant. I should have been preparing for the arrival of our son. I should have never had to experience the trauma of delivering a baby who was too soon for the world. But I won’t blame God. Why? Because there are so many other things in my life that I should have had that He blocked me from. I should have died in that 6 car pileup on my way to work 3 years ago. I should have lost my mind dealing with grief.
But I haven’t.
I’m still here.
I still have faith.